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Sobertime

on 22 February 2014 at 21:50:27 MST

Nights pass remarkably slower when sober. I think drink is essential to so many people who crave human connection but are just terrified of saying emotionally revealing things without a nip of gin. Anxious-avoidants. That describes writers in general. I've gone off drink for 8 days now and that's probably the longest I've gone in 2 years. Maybe this is an ugly thing to admit about myself.

Depending on how much damage I've done to my body -- and my doc will tell me that soon -- this will be it for me and drinking. I've been having more than 4 drinks every other day for 10 years going, ever since I moved to USA, no shit something's gonna go wrong. And that was the grease for me passing through all stages of impostership, being drunker and more eloquent than my fellow nerdy foreign students, then ingratiating myself to great soulmate friends who have nothing to do with what an average Taiwanese kid grew up thinking he could mix himself up with.

I'm a much calmer person than I was 3 years ago, so maybe I can stand unsauced without biting my nails to shreds. I'm drinking coffee instead of wine at parties, and find that so far I'm okay with that, but I can't stand loudness or crowds.

Most everyone is stumbling from one hangover to the next in New York. No one hikes or looks to the sky on weekends. Another reason to ditch this town.

I got mum visiting me, which helps with living healthier. I got her to talk to at night. When she's not here, though, that will be the test. I got a lot of staring at the wall after I come home from work. I tend to hate that, but the same paradox: people terrify me, but I want to know them better.

Sober nights by yourself sprawl very long. And they remind me of being a hermit in my teens, basically having zero social life and staying up til 3am every day drawing and writing as an anxiety valve. Maybe anxiety is an energy source not to be wasted. I've wasted enough time being drunk. Again I'm not sure I'm calm enough to be teetotalling without scaling back my extroversion considerably. Maybe I am! I hope so! Never tried it. But wish me luck.

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