There are some low cost and free therapy places here. not sure if it's like that where you are. ;o;

Ib wish I could tell you how to alleviate stress, but I can't even do that. Laying awake every night with anxiety just hanging there. it does not help my chronic insomnia. >:I

hugs you affectonately
I definately need to go to into therapy, but I just can't grow the balls to finally do it. I've had a terrible childhood and have only started talking about my issues mayber 3 years ago. And my mental health has been spiralling downward all year through. Ugh. It's gonna be my new years resolution to finally go that step. sighs deeply
How did you manage to seek out help?
And I usually alleviate stress by listening to music and drinking tea, reading a book or watching a movie.

You need to stop focusing on "being creative" and just fuck about.
Just get a block of clay and fuck about with it. Flatten it, roll it up, peel it out, squish it around in your hands.
Just do things because it feels weird in your hands, because it's fun. You need to learn how to play again.
The rest will follow.

That's really rough, man.... I certainly know how you feel when it comes to money vs. pursuing mental health, as well as not drawing. It's been the same for me for months now, but I think I'm starting to recover a bit in that department. Right now I'm in the process of switching off amitriptyline and eventually I'll start taking this relatively new med called Brintellix (that's the brand name, the med itself is vortioxetine). My doctor says it's a relatively new improvement on Celexa/citalopram, so we're gonna see how that goes. :o Maybe you could look into it too, though I'm a little worried if /might/ be expensive since my doctor gave me a lot of free sample bottles to start and a discount card.... uh. Oh wow. I just looked it up, um... well. Here's hoping that discount card and a Rite Aid health and wellness card take a chunk out of that. X_X; It might not be viable for you, but maybe your insurance helps covers meds? I'm uninsured so I have no idea how it works.

But I mean, if you can find a way to squeak past that pricetag I hear really good things about it- it apparently makes people very peppy and energetic, and it seems commonly prescribed for very severe depression/major depression disorders. The really common side effects for this are nausea, being kinda jittery and apparently itching!

KInda wordy so I'll break this up, haha.

Oh I just saw you wrote that medication is covered by your insurance! :> That's awesome! In that case if you're considering it, maybe see if Brintellix is a good fit? I'm not on it yet so I can't really vouch for it yet, and everyone is different, but who knows? Maybe it will be a good fit and help you manage your depression a bit.

But yes as for the other stuff- I am a very emotionally retentive person like, I bottle things up so I'm terrible about really healthy venting and allowing myself to get through those emotions. I'm slowly learning that showing vulnerability and weakness and asking for help isn't a bad thing though. Sincerely one of the best things I've started doing is letting myself cry when I need to, it just helps so much and being honest about my distress goes a really long way towards helping me.

When it comes to alleviating stress, aside from just doing stuff that is fun/getting out of the house some of the best things to do is just finding a way to communicate. By this I mean, journaling! I've always been a big diary writer, physically writing in a paper journal is surprisingly cathartic. IDK something about it just feels better than typing it out on a computer, I guess because it's physically /there/. When I was working, when I was stressed out I'd just write out stuff on a little post-it-note pad just to get it out and shoved them in my purse, just helps.

Similarly, investing in a small moleskine or just a little composition book and doodling in it can be great, anything that keeps your hands busy really. You don't have to draw-draw, just drawing dumb little faces or random patterns can help alleviate anxiety. If you're a crafty person, you could try doing stuff like origami, bead art, knitting- stuff that's creative but not really drawing, so you get out that creative urge without feeling that same kind of performance anxiety. I'd personally love to take up sewing because its just such a practical and helpful hobby- you could try making some blankets, since they're nice and warm and also make great gifts for others! :>

Another thing I do when I am very distressed, and I find this really helps with episodes of depersonalization/derealization (idk if you have trouble with that) is investing in a microphone and just recording yourself talk. Every computer has a default sound recorder (seriously just type "sound recorder" in your little start menu search bar and it pops right up), so if you have a headset it can really be great to just talk out your feelings without having to worry about another person.

Gosh, I'm so glad therapy has helped so far. I'm sorry it cannot go on (without a bucketload of money) but it IS an importnat and awesome thing that it has guided you enough that you know where to start looking for ways to make it better. Congratulations! ^ ^

Regarding personal experiences I have something on the lines of Thaily's advice up there.

I haven't had negative experiences such as yours, but a very close friend of mine uses some particular strategies to get through heavy peaks of stress.
She basically gets on hand-working hobbies which require more mechanical dexterity and rules-following rather than intellectual creativity, while still being activity that produces things. We have been talking about this kinda recently, and she said what she appreciate the most was that it was creative/producing-oriented activities (which to her were deeply satisfying exactly because of that, and I figure that must hit close to home for you) that non the less let the mind rest a bit, unlike stuff like painting/drawing/sculpting/writing, which requires the mind to do a lot of brain-to-hand translating effort.

I think she's already done in this pseudo-therapeutic was needle felting, crocheting, cooking/baking, plush making (with already existing patterns), macrame, clothes dying, and probably more that I can't remember at this point, but those give you an idea of what I mean.

I personally do something like that when I need to mentally rest from too much arting, or too long periods of time doing commissions/classwork. Anything manual from small furniture building to plush making has worked for me, but it's really about whatever allows your hands to do the thinking for you.

The one nice thing I notice when I do this less thought-centric object creation is that I give my creations less emotional value. I have much less the sensation of 'I have spent two bazillion hours on this, THIS IS MY BABY, WHAT DO'. The things I make that can be used I use. The things that are pretty, I put the in the house on display, or I give them away to people I appreciate. The things I don't like, I give them away anyways, or I throw them away, depending on the level of Eww of each thing (I have given what to me where HORRID plushies to my little nieces, but they are 5ish year old, so they were delighted anyways xD).

With them I find i have much less... idk how to put it other than 'duty of getting it right with the universe' or something. I hope I'm making sense. i w i

On that same note, I find it extremely satisfying to start doing something new because I allow myself a much wider failure margin. It's like my mind has this short period of grace where it goes 'It's ok if you frag up now, you are still learning'. Self-exigience can be one horrible brain-bug for me sometimes so stuff like this helps me to trick myself I guess. <=)

:Hug: Stay safe, and I wish you a swift return to the feeling-good days.

(Last one because I am wayyyyyy too wordy lmao)

I do have a troubled past too, just unhappy teen years, bad friends, that kind of thing... I'm not sure what revelations I can offer, since I'm still on the road to recovery myself and I sometimes have to relearn past lessons. The thing about epiphanies is when you're mentally ill, there will never be a final lesson that fixes the problem for good. I think that was the toughest thing for me to accept- I spent a long time thinking, "Eureka, I've got it, now I'm fixed!" thinking every new revelation was gonna put me on the road to victory. But a lot of the time, I was either coming to the same conclusions over and over again (and they say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...), or I'd try to delude myself into believing things that weren't true to protect myself.

For instance, I related a lot to when you were talking about not being an artist- I went through the same thing. It's like, you try to convince yourself that you're not even in the running, so if you aren't up to your own standards, well what does it matter? I'm not an -artist-, I'm a -hobbyist-. But it still hurts, no matter what you tell yourself. I've also tried the opposite, where I was relentless and espoused toxic beliefs that the art community drills into your head- "If you're an artist, you should draw CONSTANTLY, ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY, and NEVER EVER put priority onto other hobbies, because then you're not a REAL artist!!" or "If you're persuing any form of art that isn't highly realistic perfect human anatomy then you're a BAD ARTIST".

I think the truth is really finding a balance- knowing when to push, when to refine, and when to take a break. No one is a machine that can run indefinitely, and while we all want to be like those tireless workaholics of legend not all of us can possibly aspire to being an A-type personality. After all, no two artists are the same or have the same strengths. You are not a bad artist if you choose to put more time into say, inking techniques, and just have so-so figures. I don't mean never learn or ITS MY STYLE stuff, it's important to push yourself to be well rounded! But I think people really don't understand what "Learn the basics" actually means. By the way, you ever notice the near-religious zeal people put into learning how to reproduce perfect human anatomy, but not any other aspect of drawing like learning how to draw decent background? Isn't that weird? I'm starting to wonder if that really might just be a Western thing we torture ourselves with because we regard artists like Michealangelo and Leonardo da Vinci for being masters, but really thinking about how diverse the world of art is, you see that's mostly a European thing. Because when I think about it anatomy is just one small piece of the artistic repertoire. I've begun thinking of being an artist as a kind of RPG character sheet- what build am I going for? What are my strengths? What do I need to put points into leveling up? I mean yeah it's great to be well-rounded, but there are different builds that can work, too. Everyone has a different playstyle. ;)

But yeah that's enough rambling, god I delivered you a book and a half... sorry, I just....
http://data2.whicdn.com/images/36579742/original.jpg

The only advice I can think of is to check your local community centers and the like. There are two or three in my town that offer free or stupid cheap counseling (like, $10 per session). It's not quite the same as a regular therapist, but it'll hold you over til your insurance comes back. Also, consider finding a new insurance plan. There are definitely some that cover mental health. (You would think mental health would be just as important, but insurance companies....and most of the world, really...basically just see it as "easier to fake")

In the mean time, just do things you enjoy. Fuck around with art supplies if you feel the need to do something art-related. Find some new shows on Netflix, find a new book to read at the library, play some video games. If you're feeling able to go out and do things, try volunteering at a local animal shelter. Contact with animals is very good for depression and anxiety. The key though is to not push yourself too hard, and to not get upset if it doesn't work. Just say okay and try something else.

I'm still working through some stuff but on my own. It's difficult and I would prolly benefit from some professional therapy but I have no money or insurance, the closet place would be two hours away in another state, and my parents don't "believe" in therapy so trying to explain it/get help from them might not be a very lucrative plan. I do plan on going to a gender therapist once I move out and save up enough money though.

But I alleviate stress by playing video games, watching Lets Plays on Youtube, going out with my bf, playing with my cat or birds, hmmm... It's not really drawing but making characters using pre-made bases (like the one from Waitress on FA), adding information to my character Weebly, even creating designs with the online anime character makers haha.

I dunno how the future will pan out but I'm thankful I have tomorrow to work things out. Stay strong, Nire <333

I wish there was a way to chat with you more fluidly than comments/notes on an art site >.<

Yoga, meditation, deep breathing. Hobbies beyond art. Maybe try to volunteer? Go to museums for inspiration. And just play around a bit. Self care becomes so important. I've heard that gentle exercise is also very good for the human soul. I'm a bit o fa couch potato myself but the endorphin can be positive.

as a chronic anxiety/depression sufferer, i have tried so many things, and all had really left me empty. recently, though, i did a massive "life overhaul", for lack of a better way to describe it. long story short, i cut ties with almost everyone i knew, and removed myself from my previous job (since then i've found a much better one), and that really helped me.

i have also noticed that saying "no" to things and people has helped me as well. a lot of my life was spent living for others, rather than myself, so once i recognized that, and started making small, but impactful changes, i feel like that's slowly getting back on track.

i don't know how this can really help you with art, if at all, but there's my personal stress/depression relief summary for ya. :)

"mentally constipated"

I can't currently offer my thought as I seem to be suffering from some form of that. however I did read that. I pretty much wait thought the crappy times and try to get certain things done that might eb contributing to the crappiness. Like right now, going though all the notifications and work I have. Files that need organized. mail that needs answered. On days where I just feel blah like right now. So there is less hanging over my head when I get into a creative mood or one in which I feel like I can think properly to do what I want to be doing.

This may sound odd, but perhaps try doing abstract things. Don't focus on creating, just... throw things about. Throw random colours together until it does something you like, or shapes. Even that old 'drawing exercise' where they have you make a bunch of shapes, and then outline 'em with spaced outlines over and over until you have a page filled with lines.
Fill 'em in with rainbow colors! Or autumnal tones. Or just things like that.

I don't know. I think that's how I finally got over my own art block. Or rather, how I started to. I'm still sort of 'there,' but I'm at the point I'm just starting to be able to draw again. Depression kicked me down pretty hard, and I spent two years just sort of staring up from this deep pit I'd thrown myself in to not doing anything.