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PERSONAL VENT Page 2 Loss by Uluri



Page 1:
Page x: probably won't post any of the other pages. This page was hard to handle.

This is a continuation from the last page. Although I'm certain that the death of my mom is a main factor as to where my brain thinking everything will kill me has come from, I also believe it included my environment growing up from before this time as well. That's a different story i won't share, though. I can tell you for sure that my anxiety being set off into absolute paranoia associated with being killed/dying via injury/illness happened extremely strongly after her passing. The paranoia of [being killed by strangers/people/creatures] was already established much earlier and emphasized after that.

The whole thing was an extremely painful time. I basically watched my mother slowly die for two years and finally give up. Someone who was so strong and caring now shriveling, crying, unable to walk barely, and finally unable to talk. Her last day she let us feed her some icecream. The house I lived in became a hoarder house. I didn't and still don't want to go to family events. Any mention of Mothers, Motherhood, or my Mom is hard as hell. Including typing any of this. And beyond that, I've lost more than just my mom to slow deaths like this, and I can smell it. It's a nauseating scent. It's different than the scent of death from hunting or something that died quickly. The smell of dying from sickness is stuck with me always recognizable. It smells the same every time to me.

[My cat just stopped me here to make sure I'm fine. She's chittering at me and trying to keep my attention. Sorry Cabbage, I'm fine. Thank you.] I should probably stop typing here then even if its not finished. Guess I'll end with this is also a reason I often blacklist tags: horse+[its bodyparts] and MLP, soft_vore, hyper_[anything], pregnancy. They get associated to mother[hood] and/or illness and often make me nearly vomit. ((Sucks that vore and hyper content are both one of the most common fetishes drawn in art, and also one of the most commonly placed into the General ratings everywhere.))

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    My father died of cancer--the one thing I remember most vividly from that is everyone trying to force me to go into his hospital room on his last day. But I simply could not--the glances I saw of my dad didn't even look like my dad anymore. I really, REALLY did not want to remember my dad looking like that, I wanted to remember him how he looked before the cancer wasted him away. It's the worst thing in the world to watch a parent waste away to a disease, this is an undeniable fact.

    I admit, I don't understand why vore is rated "general" many times..........

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      I remember my mom's last day. My dad decided to call everyone even though mom didn't want everyone there. I couldn't talk to her in private. I couldn't reassure her that me and my brother will grow up. I couldn't give her the hugs she needed that day. It was so awful. And I skipped out visiting all of my grandparents on similar days because I couldn't handle it again. T.T -give you comfort pats as well- It's an awful experience.

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        Thanks. And you deserve a lot of comfort for your situation(s) as well. pats back It's never easy to watch anyone slowly die, but cancer is something that robs you of every dignity there is. It steals everything away on the inside, before it starts to make the outside look as bad--I remember that I had just been talking with my dad the night before and said I'd bring him the weeks' comics (I always brought him my comic books when I was done reading them every week) and he was hospitalized overnight and died hours later--it was so very fast. And he simply didn't even look the way he did the night before. Apparently within hours, the cancer shot up his spinal cord into the brain.....? At least that sounds like what the doctor said, it was near immediate into a coma--he died under sedation, so would never have known anyone was in the room anyways...........another reason I simply could not go in there. I could say good-bye, but my dad would never know and say it back--I wanted to cherish my memories of how things were when my dad was alive, I think it was a far better choice than remembering the "end".

        Just hang in there--through the worst of things. It's hard--I still dream a lot about my dad and stuff, even though it's been like 20 years now (yeah, if you've never heard me say I'm old--I'm freaking old). I'll wake up from a dream, crying, because I still miss him. My mom only died in more recent years and I miss her, too--but it was a far different experience with my dad, because of the length of the cancer and the condition he was in when he went. (She was very sudden and, I think, sometimes a sudden heart attack kind of death/by way of sleep is just a better way to go.) I feel that the more trauma behind a death, or lead up to a death, leaves a lot of--I guess what we'd call "scars". A slow death burns the scar in even deeper, a sudden death can make you deal with things quickly--less of a scar, maybe? I'm probably not explaining it too well. I know that I don't mourn and hurt over my mom as much as my dad, because I feel like with my mom it was her time (she was 74) to go, it felt right, and with my dad he was younger (55) and it was far more painful for him to die over a long period of time.

        So, I think you'll always have scars--I think, sometimes, they'll hurt really bad and make you feel at your worst. But, take comfort in the small things around you--like your pets. Your pets are like AMAZING sources of comfort that you'd never expect. Take those little comforts and let it put a bit of balm on the old aching scars so you can get through another day, month and year. :)

        Sorry, long-winded. I feel strongly for parental losses............

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    oh dear :-(