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PERSONAL VENT Page 1 False Pain by Uluri

PERSONAL VENT Page 1 False Pain


Uluri © Uluri Uluri
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Greetings everyone. At the beginning of April, I went on a mental health hiatus from the internet. It was super important for me to do so. While I was on my break, I drew some of the things I am experiencing or experience often. I will not be posting all of the pages I made, but I thought perhaps a couple pages would be okay for me to share. 

Page 1: False Pain
I... cannot tell at all when I am in pain or not. I can't tell because my brain will often make up pain that doesn't actually exist. I spent the first two weeks of this month battling my mind that was denying my toe as anything but deadly. My brain gets overtaken into absolute state of paranoia with a focus around "___ will Kill you". This is set off a lot bye illness, so the pandemic has been a horror story, but also includes general injury and sometimes my brain even replaces that blank with people or animals as well. That includes all of you guys, too, so I super had to be offline until my brain stopped doing the thing. 

Right then my Toe felt terrible, and although I am certain it is real actual pain, it is very hard to tell sometimes when I am for real hurt. So... I have to go to the Doctor's a lot because of every little thing every time. I hate it. Sometimes it really is my Mind's fake pain, and that's absolutely terrible. It's a pain in the ass for both the doctors and myself. I either go for nothing, or waited too long for something I should have gone to the DR for immediately. 

Though, what happened this time is a huge concern. It wasn't just the toe, but a lot of stressors all at once fried me into absolute "[everything] is going to kill me" state. I hate it. I hate it a lot. It was stress as heck. I didn't know how to handle myself. It really is a moment that can be represented by glass suddenly shattering. It was the second worse paranoia attack in my life.

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    I have a high pain threshold, so--it's very hard for me to make a doctor understand that "this is something serious". When I finally start to feel something, it means there's a REAL problem--which is how I found out I had an actual, literal "heart condition". Which after 4 trips to the ER of "chest pain", my primary care doctor kept dismissing before finally, FINALLY sending me to a heart specialist where they discovered a heart issue. Which, I felt could've been dealt with years earlier if people listened..........

    Sometimes, even when you're trying to wrap your head around whether pain is serious or not--you do have to take the steps to get care for yourself. As your example shows, even though when you think its "worry pain"--there could be a problem and it's human nature to panic about it. Most of us "want to live" and pain happening makes us worry about dying, which we don't want. Definitely go to get care if you really are worried, whether it turns out to be something or not--sometimes even the trip to the doctor and getting the "negative" answer will at least help your stress go down a little bit. It's the doctor's job to figure out what it is and they shouldn't be bothered about doing their actual job, which they're being paid for. (I usually feel the same way when I'm told it's nothing, but.........there's always that chance that it really IS something.)