Sign In

Close
Forgot your password? No account yet?

Profile

Hi! I'm paco the panda bear :D

Latest Journal

2023, Confuror, awards and… in general, update of my life.

On this journal I want to update so many things about me, how it was my last year and some of my thoughts, if you want to know about. It’s going to be very long, I think!
A remarkable 2023
On this journal I want to update so many things about me, how it was my last year and some of my thoughts, if you want to know about. It’s going to be very long, I think!

A remarkable 2023

Last months were pretty interesting to me, so many things have changed and it is very interesting that precisely 2023 was like that. So long ago I had read a belief that since you start making a significative change in your life, now every 7 year it will exist one.
And no way this could have been a big coincidence:

-7 years before last year (so…8 years ago) was when I quit my job and I started as a freelance, something that I haven’t regretted a little bit, despite all the ups and downs.
-7 years before that is when I moved to another different city and joined the furry fandom fully.

And last year, that was the 7th year. It was a year full of frustrations, it was not remarked as a fully happy year, I tried to find answers in places, people, beliefs, religions. But it definitely helped me to open my eyes to see things with another perspective, like why am I doing what I do, why did I worry about things that were not worthy to worry about, what and who are the pillars in my life, etc.

But also a year when important things happened: I got married!! Now I can say I’m a married bear, and I’m truly happy to keep sharing my life, and now with an official title, with Roni, he has been my life partner and I feel so lucky to be with him. And it was so important that our families met each other and they got completely fine with us being together.

It was also the year I realized that many of the friends I’ve been doing in the last years are really turning in my family, that I feel so comfortable with them. But also I sealed a friendship with someone who has turned incredibly important to me, and it is kind of those friends I daydream to have when I was younger, that one who could push me to do silly things, to share special moments, to share any kind of thought with no fear. A shame he lives in the other side of the world, but I guess that makes even more special each time we see each other. And this year we got to live some moments together and are those that they will live in my memory.

Months with an Useless Arm

Many of you were aware about me having big issues with my right arm, something serious when my main job is drawing and I’m right handed, and it was precisely due overworking it, combined with stress.

This was the most notorious change I got from last year that probably is going to impact the rest of my life.
I was so scared, at the moment I realized something very painful got to the right arm I knew that it was going to be serious, that I couldn’t take it with a grain of salt.

If you want to read the whole story, here are the three journals I talked about this:
Part 1: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10565539/
Part 2: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10540711/
Part 3: https://www.weasyl.com/journal/173264/getting-better-of-my-wrist-problem

It’s definitely something I wish non a single artist nor engineer nor musician nor absolutely nobody (I mention those professions first because I know it is very common for us to get this problem on the arm or wrist that we use the most), so please, I beg you: give yourself constant breaks, do not overwork, your health is more important than your deadline, and if you start feeling any pain, visit your doctor.

Right now I’m feeling, little by little, better. The pain comes back from time to time just to remind me that I can’t rely that easily that I’m very good. When I want to finish something and I don’t mind taking more time than I should, is when the pain comes back, and that’s when I need to stop. Also I’m still visiting the doctor from time to time (around each 15 days) just to check how it is improving and he keeps injecting me more botox to keep helping the arm to recover itself; as well I need to do daily exercises, especially before start drawing. And my drawing pace has been affected dramatically, now I spend more than a week per each drawing I do, probably you have seen that in my galleries now that I don’t upload as many pictures as before.

Now I can just draw for when I need to draw, and that’s kind of sad in some way. The other day I was looking back my sketchbooks with my friend, commenting some of those super old sketches, how I was drawing so many things every day, how I was filling so many sketchbooks, and throwing so many silly and cheesy ideas to paper. I’m so looking forward to be like that again, to go back to those days that I could be drawing anytime just for fun, that even when I was drawing for work I could still open my sketchbook on my free time to draw some silly idea it got in my mind. But I’m not 100% better to that, and sadly right now I need to prioritize what brings money.

This problem has affected my finances even nowadays, but without all the support from this awesome community and encouragements during these months this could have been even worse. I'm very thankful!

Confuror 2023

Another important hito that marked me this year was to help organize my local convention, it was not the first time I did it, actually it is the 6th year I’m helping them to organize this convention, but it was like a crazy rollercoaster of emotions with very steep ups and downs. Confuror (my local convention I’m talking about) has been growing up considerably each year, and I’m so happy to know it is the most favorite convention of so many people, even from those who have attended several furry conventions, or those who told me they have already attended more than 50 conventions. Despite its many flaws and constant opportunity areas to grow for the convention, something good it has been doing there.

For Confuror 2022 I remember getting to do so many things for the convention: before, during and after the event; but for real so many things, I was helping everywhere, that I saw somebody needed help on their department and I was there to help them, and ended up working so much on their department, that if during the convention I saw something was going wrong, I wanted to be there to try to fix it, and if there were so many things to edit and to update and nobody else was doing it, I was taking some extra time after the convention to do it.

I had given that feedback for the next edition, it couldn’t be like that anymore, we needed more people to help us in all those areas that were just ghost departments and needed people to help with, and it was definitely an improvement, for Confuror 2023 we got more people staffing, way more people volunteering, I could notice I got to work less for the convention because there were many areas already delegated, and all that was shown directly during the event!

All the areas I was helping were completely flawless, I was really proud of everything I helped to organize, and I could see people were really enjoying a lot every aspect I was involved with. Of course that feels pretty good! Nobody could deny that. Attendees loved the conbook, the panels I hosted, the silly activities I proposed around the convention area, people really got involved on those activities, the fursuit games were a big success, they enjoyed a really lot the closing ceremonies, even many of them cried of joy (and because the convention was officially over, which also speaks great that it was a good event). Of course I can’t take all the credit of that, I’m very grateful with the amount of artists who participated, all the volunteers who helped in every aspect, all the rest of the staff to make everything possible. I’m just a little part of the machinery for creating such a big and great event.
I really think this has been the best Confuror so far, and I really hope next editions get even better.

But then it comes something that I don’t understand about myself. This year, especially this year, more than before, I got incredibly exhausted. The weeks after the convention I was so tired, that I felt so bad because I wanted to enjoy even more my time with the friends who stayed for longer in my town after the event, I wanted to enjoy even more BLFC (I remember spending a very exhausting BLFC, I kind of recharged my energies at the very last day of the convention, but just a little bit), then a trip to Yosemite with my friends after BLFC, and then we got to be to a very short trip with my local friends for a music festival, which I was still feeling exhausted. It was such a great time after the convention, I should have felt lucky I can give myself such great experiences, that I can be this super lucky adult with free time and many plans, but at the time I was feeling an exhaustion that I couldn’t control.

And I was expecting a visit from my friend, the one I was telling you above, and I was worrying I was not going to receive him with the proper energies, because that visit of him was something I was expecting for so long and very excited, I felt like when you are a kid and you know your best friend is coming to your house to visit you. Surprisingly, his visit recharged completely my energies, I don’t know exactly what I was missing or what that Confuror did to me that drained me all my battery, but this visit loaded it completely back again.

Awards and Acknowledgments

Talking about this good friend, among all the bunch of things we talk almost daily, there was a certain topic that I shared him: our fears.
We all have traumas that cause us fears, and we try to run away from them.

I’ve won during my silly career as an artist in the furry fandom several awards, but I never show them, I talk about them to very few people, I receive them with a lot of nervous and shaking my hands but with the fear of being on a spotlight, feeling judged that maybe I don’t deserve them.
But heck, I’ve been working really hard all my life, I’m so obsessed with my job, I’m so picky at creating art and wanting to make people feel some emotions. I’m aware I’m not the most epic artist, definitely there are so many more artists that are way better than me, but so many people have told me how much they care for what I do, what my drawings represent to them, so I can keep doing what I do, I'm so grateful!

I’ve been acknowledged several times during my career, some small ones, some big ones, but I barely share them with all of you. It keeps giving me a strong fear to be in the center of a spotlight.

This year I received some acknowledgments, one was an ANW acknowledgment “for exceptional service and dedication bringing life to art”, and the other one was being part of the Virtual Furry Museum in VR Chat, a whole exhibition room. I’m still on tears for that.

But also I received two awards, that even when I received them I didn’t announce anything, nor share my happiness to anyone (not even with friends nor family), again, due my irrational fear:

-Golden Tail Awards, on the category “Best Illustration” for the piece “Yakitori” in colored pencils.
https://www.weasyl.com/~pandapaco/submissions/2157500/yakitori

-MFF 2023’s Art Show. Best in Show. Staff Choice. For the piece “Borderless World”
https://www.weasyl.com/~pandapaco/submissions/2024625/borderless-world

Big or small awards, important or not, those are achievements that I shouldn’t take as granted, so many artists would show them with proud all over their social networks. When my friend knew I got all these awards (not only these, but even more saved in my house) he wondered why I had never show them around, why people don’t know about them.

I always think that being an artist is not a competition, we are not expecting our work to get awards or being acknowledged with trophies and gold stars. Of course we want to be recognized by people, because at being recognized our careers get better, we get more work, we don’t feel that our work is wasted and ignored, we really want our pieces to be seen, that’s why we share them to the world.
But trophies and awards are not the goal of it, it tends to inflate our ego and feel superior to others, and that’s definitely not my intention with my work, that’s why I don’t share my life all over the internet, I share my work, I want to create emotions, of course I promote my work because I need to bring food to my house. I share with you with journals things that I want to share to those who are interested in reading and get to know me further, that’s it.

So, my friend suggested me I should share my awards and acknowledgments from last year not to show off, that would be to show them all over Twitter and my Telegram channel. But those who care about me: my family, my friends, and all of you who takes their time to read this long journal. Thank you! I’m truly grateful. I still think other artists deserve them more than me, tho.

Birthday Gifts and Cake

But there is not better acknowledgment to me than that love I receive from my friends.
Last week it was my birthday, getting more points of experience in my life. And I received an amazing amount of love by friends and fans that brought me on joy tears many times.

I received many drawing gifts, thing that I always appreciate, receiving drawings always make me very happy. These are the drawings I received this year for the birthday thing:
https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/lwmt2umx9fz8ok1v94cae/h?rlkey=y0x9p5y5fr4r67a052b77y4xd&dl=0

But it truly gives me a positive emotion that people take their time to give me something, I really need to say that they bring me a big smile on my face.

I don’t know how to mention this, I want to be careful because I don’t want to sound like other works were less special, every single one was very special and I really loved each one of them. But I want to mention that some of them were incredibly special, for the meaning they put on their drawing that were very connected to very personal things between us, that made me realize the connection I’ve made with these friends to a point that we can communicate what we feel with art.

Also I received a very beautiful surprise. During our tiny celebration (Roni and I have our birthdays very close each other, so we tend to celebrate our birthdays together), which… don’t imagine a super big crazy party, our parties are always super nerd that would be super boring for any average human: pizza, cake, coffee, milk, drawing together (no alcohol, no music, no substances, not even fursuits as some furries may imagine). We always have the most vanilla and nerd parties ever. My friend Silver got us a cake with a drawing he had made, it was a very awesome surprise, I loved it!

Maybe I’m not the happiest person in the world, I have my flaws, my moments of depression and anxiety, my personal problems, my doubts, my social awkwardness. But I feel very lucky to have made such great friends and family, not only locally but also all over the world, I can’t ask for more.

Am I Busy?

Talking about friends and cool people who write me DMs and Telegram messages on the internet, it has been a constant on the last months. They always tell me “I know you’re busy”, “I don’t want to waste your time, I know how busy you are”.

It’s funny that I’m considered a busy person, that even my close friends think I am, especially on this time that I can’t be that busy as I was before.
Well, more than “busy” I was such a workaholic, I spent so many hours drawing and working on my own projects, I didn’t give myself many free times, and that’s the reason I got the arm issue. But nowadays I need to balance my free time and my work, as a regular human being, as it had to be, so I need to take care how many hours of work I dedicate to drawing, and also how many hours I dedicate to chat with my friends.

And the rest of the time I’m completely outside internet, being more in the real world. So that’s when I take ages to reply, I’m not checking often who is messaging me and reply them right away, and I rarely check Twitter or Instagram messages. If I were replying every message I would spend the whole time only replying messages. I remember there was one day that I decided to reply all messages from everywhere, I spent almost the entire day doing that, and when I saw, I didn’t clear the notifications at all because of course everyone was replying back at the moment.

I like taking some time of my day to really reply, I love to help when people wants me for some advices related to art, techniques, prices, how to start selling commissions, and such. But please be patient if I don't reply that immediately or if I take many days to do it.

But no, I’m not a busy panda, I’m just wanting to balance my life and not living the entire time in the internet. And if you ever see me at a furry convention, I won’t be that busy either, you can go and talk with me, I can try my best to not be awkward and have a nice talk.

But if you think I’m busy because I’m always closed for commissions and I can’t take many projects and I advance very slowly my Patreon rewards, well, that’s another thing, hehe. I also feel lucky to have a lot of work and that my drawing style has demand on interest, and I really wish I could draw absolutely everyone who wants a drawing by me, or even to draw all my friends and all the super cute characters that I see around in the fandom that I like so much, but especially this time with this limitation on my arm, I’m moving with this very slowly, slower than I would love to!

Finances Affected Due the Arm Problem

I put this at the very end of this journal because it is the least important. And it’s not a real problem, it’s just something I want to mention for a reason that is related to the topic above.

The way I need to take commissions, only very few ones per month and at the same time working on projects, it makes me gain less money. Also many Patreons went away or lowered down their pledge for good reasons: I’m not offering to give drawings and illustrations as rewards anymore: I couldn’t promise things that I couldn’t get in time, and as you may see, my queue for the current ones that I promised is huge. So it is way less what I’m earning with Patreon, and I can’t take many commissions per month, and I was dragging many debts from those months that I was not working at all.

So oh yeah, this arm issue taught me a really lot of lessons, and now it is teaching me how to move my finances better and wisely (but you will think otherwise when you read further this section). I had savings and those savings helped me to live during those months of not working, but I have not those savings anymore.
And this month is always the toughest month of all during the year, when I need to pay for many expenses for the beginning of the year.

I’ve needed to say “No” to many projects because they have strict deadlines and right now it is completely unsure when I can deliver a project, it may take weeks to me because I need to listen to my arm where exactly to stop.

Fortunately, it is not the end of the world to me, I’m managing this very good, I think. I need to be more strict on what I purchase, on my going outs, and managing my numbers on excel sheets, and taking priority to those projects I accepted that are paying. I’m very aware this is not a horrible situation I’m facing, but I wanted to mention it so all of you know why I’m being so slow at showing more drawings or, if you are into my queue, why I’m taking so long to get there.

But a not very good movement is that I got to plan at the end of last year some trips with my family during February and April. Plus attending NordicFuzzCon and spending some more time with some friends around Europe.
So, definitely I would be so dumb to make you feel shame for me for having some financial issues, these plans were totally my decisions that may not sound very wise at all, but I already planned and paid for almost everything. My intention is to keep drawing in commissions and Patreon rewards during this trip, because I definitely need some income to pay for the expenses of the same trip. So this decision of mine was very “YOLO” (I’m very outdated with those expressions).
I will definitely write another journal about those upcoming adventures.

I’m getting through this with the help of some friends and prioritizing those paid projects. I’m gonna balance these projects with also advancing some Patreon rewards because I don’t want to let them down.
I was wanting to start my new Art & Biro comic just at starting this year, but due my priorities I can’t, despite it exists already the script and I was almost ready to start with pages, but I will do my best for start with it on upcoming months, I really want to do it, this was one of my resolutions this year and I really want to do it!

**Big Conclusion **

In conclusion of this super long journal, I want to express my sincere thanks to all of you who have been following along with my updates. Your support means the world to me, and I feel incredibly fortunate to be a part of such a wonderful community.

As I've shared bits and pieces of my life (health updates, financial ups and downs, and the not-so-wise decisions about trips) I’ve come to appreciate the strength that comes from having people like you by my side. Your kind words and encouragement have been a guiding light, especially during the tougher times.

Life has its challenges, and it's comforting to know that I'm not facing them alone. Many of the messages I received from many of you, full of understanding and shared experiences, have created a strong bond that goes beyond the words.

Learning from these experiences has been a journey in itself, and your support has made it a bit easier.

Here's to the road we're traveling together, with all its twists and turns. Thank you for being there through thick and thin. I look forward to the chapters ahead, filled with growth, understanding, and the warmth of a community that stands together, celebrating both the victories and the challenges.

Thank you for being such an important part of this panda guy!

View This Journal and 1 Comments

Statistics

Joined

33376
Pageviews
784
Followers
28
Favorites Given
18088
Favorites Received
1371
Submissions
63
Journals
51
Following

Shouts

  • Link

    Hello

  • Link

    Thanks for watching @pandapaco.

  • Link

    Your art is super adorable! Love it

    • Link

      Aaaah thank you so much, really!! n__n

  • Link

    You Have Incredible Art. Keep It Up😺

    • Link

      Awrr thank you so much!!

  • Link

    I love your art and this Cat's Kingdom story has me eagerly anticipating each new page as it goes.

  • Link

    Hello, how's it going panda!