13-inspired vent

please read this for background

and also this chatlog to clarify some things a little further than the following rant does

when i was 4 or 5 or so, my dad started getting very angry and very violent. he had been like this for a long time before, but i didn't remember it starting that way because there was a quiet period from before i was born to when i was very small. i don't think he beat me up as badly as this (he would always be smart enough to hurt me just enough to cause pain, but too little to make mom call child support) but i think it is fitting.

the only time i have ever gotten him to talk about these times is when i get extremely angry to the point of burning out, because any other time i mention to him he will reply that he either "doesn't remember" all the times over the course of 5 or 6 years that he hit me across the head or else he'll scream at me and act victimized because i'm "bringing up old things" that shouldn't be brought up. he does this for everything, not just physical abuse - if he screamed at mom or me a few weeks ago, and we talk about that to support our argument, we're "bringing up the past" and we should "get over it" and "grow up". so it's only when i could muster myself to scream back that he would ever, ever say he was sorry.

except he isn't. i know he isn't, because every time he says he's sorry, he always feels the need to insert some qualifying statement at the very end, or to quickly turn the argument around immediately after he apologizes. basically, "i'm sorry i made you mad, but i think i'm right, and anyway, we should talk about what YOU'RE doing wrong in this family." or my favorite is, "this family is problematic and we should ALL WORK TOGETHER to turn it around."

it's funny, because he gets so fucking pissed at the most trivial bullshit. he got pissed to the point of screaming fury when i forgot to say hi to him when he came into the garage door one time (he's forced me to do this on similar threats of screaming and bitching since i was 5 years old).

i have some really great and supportive friends to thank for helping me out with my current attempt to get out of this house, which i aim to be done with by friday this week. but not very long ago i could not really even bring myself to think that this was a real problem sometimes. i wasn't sure what to think about my situation because i am materially fairly "well-off", i won't lie, i'm not starving or anything. i have a computer and a phone and clothes. by physical measures, and by some peoples' i've talked to before, i have nothing to complain about.

but my life here is not my own. i have, granted, bouts of time between his demands in which i have time to finish paintings and so on. but i am expected to always ideally be working, and in order to carry on with things i wish to do (art and such) i am expected to "prove" myself to him that i am serious about it, on pain of more screaming, bitching, and being told that i will never go anywhere, that i am an abject failure, and that only if i do the work he sets out to me will i ever achieve proficiency or self-sufficiency. so i paint, but i never tell him, because if i should tell him he will not hesitate to turn it into one of his projects, that i must complete in order to escape being yelled at by a man who has no problem screaming me out for over 5 hours if i don't do as he says or sitting through an endless lecture that i cannot interrupt or tell him i need a break, on pain of being screamed at for 5 hours again after the frequently 2-3 hour lecture. and no, i am not kidding about those times - when he is not arguing about something at length, he is rambling and going on tangents endlessly at length. so you can perhaps understand why i am not eager to work for him, and i sink my time into art and gaming, and the cycle continues, etc. etc.

i know this, because i told him about my ambitions to develop games, and he absolutely ruined it. you see, whenever he wants to get something done, it is his way or the highway - so he insists on my accepting one or other "ideas" he has laid out for me, and when i accept it, i must carry it out to completion, or else. i have tried to tell him that i want to do programming on my own, and i will ask him for help if i need it - but inevitably if i do this he insists on me showing him my "progress" every day or two and if i don't have something satisfactory to him, he will mock me and/or point out how bad off i am without his help and/or lecture me for hours again. otherwise, he will simply tell me that "you had a choice, and you chose to do this."

let me explain what a "choice" is in his world. when he tells you you can choose something, what he means is that you do what he says, or he will have no problem pulling the plug and throwing you into the street. yes, that is what he said.

i have had people tell me before that i should just "suck it up" and get through with it because at the end of all this bitching and bickering is a light of independence and freedom by achieving all that he tells me to because it'll be beneficial to me. and if i don't do this, most importantly, it's my fault for passing up this opportunity.

but more infuriatingly, i have had people tell me again and again through the years that i must "make peace" with my dad because "he's the only dad you'll ever have" and "he's your family". in other words, blood is thicker than water. and to that i say, bullshit. i have made many excellent friends who have done far more to raise me in the past two years and teach me to work hard and treat others like human beings than this worthless entity that claims to be a force of good in my life has ever done in my 20 years of existence. if that is the only dad i will ever have, and he is my family, then i will gladly accept neither. my friends are more important. fuck him, and fuck everything people tell me about how much more important my nonexistant "bond" to this pathetic man is than my real, loving, respectful bond with my best friends.

if you are in an abusive situation, never let anyone tell you you have to "love" your abuser because they are "the only one you will have", and never, ever believe that "blood is thicker than water", because that is the family abuser's trump card. it allows abusers to get away with whatever they want by making you feel dependent on them, by making you hope without any real evidence that if you just push a little harder, that if you put your money on this nonexistant bond that society says you have because one of their sperm or egg cells contributed to your formation, all your effort will be worth it because they might one day pay you back for all the shit they have done to you. it makes you work for them, for shit that was never your fault.

so, yeah. thanks for reading