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Tango's Guide To Dirty Fighting! Part 1 by Tango (critique requested)
Tango's Pocket Guide To Dirty Fighting!
"But Tango," you whine, "I'm a skinny wuss with no fighting ability outside of CoD Black Ops!" If that is the case then this is -just- the guide for you! After all you never know when that asshole on 9gag that you trolled will trace where you are and come to get you. This guide works one bigger opponents (for the most part).
1. The Eye Gouge: This is a classic that few people use anymore so you're likely to catch them by surprise. First, hold your hands up like you're going to apologize and ask for forgiveness. As soon as you think they are going to buy your bullshit jam as many fingers into their eyes as you can. This will cause a lot of pain, blind them for a short period of time, and in the very least make them turn away from you.
2. A Kick Between The Goalposts: Yep, we are going there, my friends! A good, swift kick to the groin is the dread of most men no matter how big. This move is what I call the 'coward's escape hatch' because not only can you win the fight this way but if he has buddies it will make them feel less inclined to have a go at you when they see the biggest of their group and likely leader curled up on the ground crying like a little girl with a skinned knee.
"But Tango, what if I pissed off some yeti-sized lesbian biker chick that does brick laying as a hobby?" Bro, the answer is simple. Kick her in the taco, Paco! In the very least it will stun her enough to get away. Remember, there is no such thing as a gentleman in a street fight and if you're reading this far into the guide a cunt-punt is not beneath you.
3. Kick'em While They Are Down: Now that your cheap shots have gained you the upper hand keep up the pressure. Would you let an opponent that was talking trash to you on a PvP MMO have a break to catch his breath during battle? Fuck no! Stomp the dog shit out of them. Give them the boots to the back. Think of it like this: Their medical bill is your high score. Make it a good one and monkey stomp their ass.
4. A Little Lower, Please! : So the groin shot is expected by your opponent? That's fine. The shin is also a nice target to go for. Unless they are a kick boxer that has nothing but deadened scar tissue there then a kick to the shin is rather painful. Remember that skit they did on Family Guy where Peter banged his shin and was on the ground in pain? Same thing but with you standing over them dropping kicks like American History X. You can also do a toe stomp. This might break their foot or toes if you are lucky turning that pissed off Packers fan into a angry hobbling cripple.
5. The Sucker Punch: Do you know what we Americans are best known for? It's not our pride. It's not our patriotism. It's our willingness to commit a preemptive strike without even a tinge of guilt. That is what the sucker punch is. It's YOUR preemptive strike! Say the argument has died down, the guy admitted he was wrong, and offers to buy you a beer as a show of no hard feelings.
This is your time to strike! As soon as he turns to pay for the beers unleash on him like an angry gorilla with shattered glass up his ass! Sure, no one at the bar will back your side of the story when the cops come but you won this battle due to your initiative and severe lack of fair play.
Headbutts are great for this! If they do that macho tough guy in your face shit grab their shirt front and put your forehead through their nose. A word of caution: You want to try to use the side of your forehead to prevent injuring yourself. A head on headbutt might earn you a concussion for your efforts.
6. Nomming Your Way To Victory!: This is pretty simple. Say someone gets right up in your face, what do you do? You go full on bath salts mode on the guy! Yup, nothing puts the fear in a group of bar bullies' hearts then trying to eat the face of one of their comrades. Not only will you likely win but you will be feared, earning a reputation as a crazy guy that people -will not- fuck with.
6. Nomming Your Way To Victory!: This is pretty simple. Say someone gets right up in your face, what do you do? You go full on bath salts mode on the guy! Yup, nothing puts the fear in a group of bar bullies' hearts then trying to eat the face of one of their comrades. Not only will you likely win but you will be feared, earning a reputation as a crazy guy that people -will not- fuck with.
7. Take A Piece With You: This is one that can be used with number 6. The point here is try to rip/bite a piece of your foe off. Yes, off. One of the best places is the ear. If you can grab it, try to yank it off. Not only will this hurt like a bastard it will throw off their equilibrium off. That is why it's difficult to walk with an inner ear infection. The ears help with balance.
But don't stop at their radar dishes! You can break their fingers, bite off the tip of their nose, or dislocate a joint by using this tactic. Let your evil imagination run wild.
Hope you enjoyed this guide. Feel free to comment, send hate mail, or tell me I'm going to hell.
Hope you enjoyed this guide. Feel free to comment, send hate mail, or tell me I'm going to hell.
I'll cover makeshift weapons in the next part.
Tango
Tango
This is a simple guide to coming out on top if you find yourself dealing with a foe bigger then you or you are a huge cock-juggling douche that likes to inflict pain on other assholes like an Ann Rand super hero. Enjoy!
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Comments
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What the... What is this...Ni don't even...
I was laughing the whole way through.
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What the... What is this...Ni don't even...
I was laughing the whole way through.
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You're welcome. I had to add some in there because a couple of people i let look at it before posting added some suggestions.
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Their medical bill is your high score
Laughed the most at that line
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At least people are reading it. If you think someone else might enjoy it please pass it around.
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Kirrlaos
I give this guide two claws up