People still these days still don't understand people with depression and why they want to die. It has been getting better and I am someone that suffers from it. People that follow my writing have called me the next poe in the past .. I even carry the title of the poet of darkness and sorrow. The one who will preach the words of the people that have tried to get help, have tried to reach out and even have had help .. to make sure people listen. I have done this through my poems, I don't really have to many up on here and that is because one I'm lazy and two even though people like my stuff I'm don't think I'm at a level where I need to be. Only reason I have never really started my book about depression and what it has done to me and what I have seen it to other people. It also stems from from how I been abused in the past by people that I let near and I tend to always push people that try to care away .. That is why I'm always setting at my computer, its always why I'm distance around people I never met even though I great them. I just kinda sit around people, listen and take things in.

But the people that I didn't push away have never known this side about me and the people that have do know I tried to push them away .. some left and the people that pushed back and never let go are my support group .. They are the people I know I could trust straight up with my life no questions asked. Cause most of them are just like me someone who has lived in this darkness at some point... and frankly with my mom dying and what happen yesterday .. I have said fuck it, its time for this poet to get shit done. I'm done hiding who I am, I'm done trying to act normal, I'm done trying to just fit in and frankly if you can't handle the fact I'm unhinged and broken. Then there is the door and I'm sorry to see you go, but this darkness is who I am, its my muse, its my drive to help other people and to get other people to understand what we go through. Its rough, I'm going to slip up, but I will always find whatever hand will grab me and listen at this point even if they turn away later.. and never return. Cause EVERYONE needs someone there to help them even if its for a little time.

Now you're wondering what finally made me just open up like this and just let everyone know who I am and what just goes on in my mind, why I have trouble being around people and why I hide. I had my second big break down like flat out omfg I just want to not live anymore, I have mini breakdowns all the time and all I do is just cry .. But this one was on the scale of the one that made me drop out of school .. just ten times harder cause all the walls I keep up to keep this shit from going on were gone... and heres why I'm just posting from what I explained to someone close to me from skype

I almost killed myself for good yesterday if there wasn't people around the house to to talk to me I would have
I think I broke my hand to keep from trying to kill myself.. I was in sitting in a bathroom and to scare to fucking leave it for 6 or so hours yesterday
I did a few lines of something.. hate me for it, but I wasn't wigging out on the drugs like some people said I was.. Someone ran their mouth really fucking low blowed me hard and I just fell apart cause the drugs had all my walls down.
My younger brother that has hardly been in my life wouldn't listen to me and ratted me to my dad said I took some drugs I'm flipping out on them with a knife held right to my throat and I never even had the damn thing to my throat.. I just said I would like to, but every time I wanted I punched the wall as hard as I fucking could.. and I kept talking to whoever the fuck wanted to talk to me.
Soon as I fucking got chilled out enough here came my dad bitching about all this shit. My brother at the time was with one of his friends and I just started to fall back apart .. I still had people to talk to, but they had to leave cause of my brothers bullshit.. I was alone for awhile last night and I really couldn't keep me stable .. I let some of my friends I made through my brother to come up here around 2-3 in the morning cause I just needed someone to talk to. They made me dinner I didn't eat all day the other day... and we just chilled and talked.. then took a car ride.,
We came back around 9am .. my dad and my step mom showed up. They knew who those people are and told them if they come back the cops are being called. I really have no one now to really to talk to in person and I have no one to get to that I can till almost next month when my friend from ny gets to come. I'm also so fucked up in the damn head cause all of this I had to let dad and stepmom take my dog .. cause I can't fucking handle it right now cause if I look at him I see my mom cause I had to take him when she got sick with cancer.

I'm fine now I don't want to kill myself anymore and I never want to do any drugs again (first time doing them btw beyond weed, but I don't see weed as a drug) cause I learnt that it kills my safety system that my body has built up over the years and I just couldn't run to a phone and call for help .. I WAS TRAPPED in that bathroom if I tried to go out I started to have a panic attack and thank god I had people around me to talk to.

So to all you people out there that suffer like I do, I always have my had out for you and we can sit and cry together if we got to. To all the people that say you can just be happy come on cheer up .. and you know really give us shit for forcing us into self help groups, drugs and pushing us over the edge when we cry out no please stop and listen to me.

THE POET IS COMING AND HE HAS A WORD OR TWO TO OFFER