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A short passage to kick things off.
At this point, portions of the lore within "Guilt" may seem spotty or under-explained. The story originally had a prologue to explain the basis of the lore, but I've since had trouble writing the prologue in a style or way that I enjoy. So, presently, I'm trying to weave the folklore and religion of Lorn into the story as it goes. If at anytime you feel something is unclear, feel free to ask me and I can look it over to see if it will be explained at a later point in the story or not.
Any critique regarding grammar is wildly appreciated. Also, if at any point you feel a sentence or situation is unclear, feel free to point it out so I can give it a second look.
EDIT: How long does it take for a submission file to update? Because I just edited something but it's not showing...
"Guilt" and its characters belong to me.
Drawn on SAI.
Submission Information
- Views:
- 839
- Comments:
- 14
- Favorites:
- 13
- Rating:
- General
- Category:
- Literary / Story
Comments
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PFFFFF I'm honored you like it! ; u ;
I might even post another passage later today! I'm reading over it now
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I will follow this story to the ends of the editted and reddited earths and back
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-KISSES UR FACE-
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I like this a lot so far! You give very nice descriptions, Roger's room sounds pleasant and comfortable.
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AHHHH thank you! ; u ;
And it totally is >:3
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It's more than clear at this point! At first I thought the descriptions were a little heavy, but that went away after a few paragraphs and it flows nicely into the writing style.
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Happy to hear it was clear!
And ahahahha yeahhhh; there was a time in my writing where I distinctly remember thinking that packing as much detail as possible into any given text was the way to go-- and I'm still coming back from that god awful habit lol. I'm happy to hear that it seemed to level out as it went though! Thank you so much for the comment C:-
Did you used to take three pages to describe a group of trees aka pulled a Tolkien? XD
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Ah wow yes I love this so very much ;o; Great descriptions used here and it all gives a calm setting.
The only thing I can think of critique-wise is use more descriptions to describe Roger instead of using his name c: Like "The blue-eyed man bent down to pick up the papers." or something like "With careful steps he weaved around the towering stacks of books." Sometimes I find myself using he too often in place of other things though but xD
Sorry I'm not long on critiques but I hope it helps!
[Also is Roger that cutie in the top picture? Aaaaaaah I can't get enough of his face.]-
Thank you; I'm glad you liked it! ; u ;
I've always really loved calm settings-- most of the music I listen to follows a similar vibe-- so I'm really happy it gives off that feel :D
As for Roger's appearance, it slowly unfolds throughout the full first chapter. I don't like using phrases like "the blond-haired boy" or "the boy" if I can avoid it, since those words become very distracting and clunky when you can use "he" to get the point across in a much more concise way. "He" is like the word "said" in that you can never use it too many times-- it just flows straight into the sentences, forgotten about in lieu of more important text, so when you do use more describing phrases they really pop.
"Roger’s right knee protested as, with some difficulty, he maneuvered through his messy workspace and blew out three of four lanterns." is actually the first describing text for Roger, although it's a vague one that's pretty easy to miss and doesn't get touched upon until a bit later.
A bit slower way of taking things, but I was inspired by a writing blog on Tumblr that suggested slowly revealing your character's appearance through fluid action instead of tossing it out at first convenience. A mirror reference was suggested, but also deemed cliche and not as fun ahahahaha -
(Oh and that is Roger, yep! Ahahahha)
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Okay I'm partially faving this for the picture right now hnngh cutie~
I WILL SAY THINGS ABOUT THE WRITING LATER WHEN I AM NOT FALLING ASLEEP. :D;
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EHEEHEE e u e
Oh man feeling you there. I'm trying to finish stuff, but I'm also super drowsy so not really making the best progress lol
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Paige
So much intereeeest. Its been a while since I've read a good story and this one is
certainly worth reading ;3; demands more