"At work, my mind never slows down. I never have time to think about my or worries. After work, I focus on TV, video games and chatting with friends. I focus a lot of attention on my friends. The TV distracts my mind from the outside world. Video games put me in a state of bliss by just focusing on something that has a lot of colors and lights - my thumbs and fingers moving quickly to progress further in the game, revealing more of the story to me with every level I beat. My mind is too busy to think about my worries and my issues. Work, Games, Friends, Movies, Food. Thats all it thinks about. But when it's time for me to go to bed, when I hear nothing but silence, when my body lies still in bed, my mind slowly goes through personal memories, finding ways to have less respect for myself. It comes up with questions why I'm not doing what I "should" be doing in my life. It reminds me of my age and where I should be in my life compared to friends and family. It compares my life to others and how my life seems pathetic. ' Why can't I be here? Why can't you do this? Why aren't you there yet? ' I try to answer those questions as I lay still, but more questions comes up, making it harder and harder to answer or try to find the right answer. In the end, I find myself sitting up in the darkness, holding my stuff animal in my arms. My brain doesn't shut off, my eyes remain open. Sitting up or laying down, I remain awake until I can see a hint of the sun off in the distance. In order for me to answer the sea of questions my mind float upon, I have to make changes. But due to lack of work, money and freedom, I feel confined where I am. Feeling stuck, I get more depressed. More questions come up. When the time is near for me to get ready for work, those questions fade and I'm now on 'work' mode. I just know that those questions will haunt me again the next night. I just don't know how to answer them all..."

Brain Wont Shut Off © 2012 Alex Cockburn