So it’s hard to put my feelings into words atm. Working on this and a potential new years picture yesterday nearly put into a bit of a depression. I wanted this uploaded then but I couldn’t really think of what to write to go with it, or summarise it. Maybe I can think a bit clearer now. So let me see if I can just flush all of the bad feelings that were plaguing me yesterday and write a coherent explanation.

Let me ask something, and this isn’t just for furries even though I’m going to use the word Fursona for myself, obviously. This is for anyone whose made an “insertion” character. This is not an escapism thing, this is the kind of character you create to represent yourself and your feelings, if you’ve done it. Just how much thought did you put into it? For you was it a quick pick because you just felt you plain needed one (I know several people like this in the fandom and it was pretty much me early days), or did you actually carefully choose, as I did when I had the time to give it more thought?

For me it was a tossup between two, and the other might become an alternate fursona yet, we’ll see. I ultimately chose cat because I can bounce between energetic and lazy at the drop of a hat, I’m quite clean and immaculate, careful about every choice I make, very dexterous despite an often lack of stamina, definitely more comfortable in the dark then the light, and have a very keen hunters instinct that I take a lot of pride in (Odd for a pacifist I know, isn’t it? I’m very good at keeping it in check). Cat seemed like the perfect choice for all of these.

What I was less certain on when I picked it is the theme of my character. I didn’t pick Christmas to be thematic because I think Santa’s cool, or some other trivial crap like that. Certainly not cause I’m greedy about presents. If I was going to represent it, I had to do it right. I’ve since taken to nicknaming myself “Spirit of generosity” and it’s a title I don’t take lightly. All year, I’ve tried and gone out of my way to assist people wherever necessary. Sometimes I help. Sometimes it falls short, I’ll admit. And then other times it’s… rejected.

Damn, when people wanna abjectly hate are they quick to call me out for it. So lets’ get one thing straight to level with everybody who knows me right now. I am far from perfect. I have no illusions about that. And I am far from the perfect person to champion this holiday, it’s meanings and it’s traditions!

In the past, I could only be described as a sadist. And literally, one day, it snapped and I couldn’t do it anymore. I became something of a straight up pacifict. But both during and since that time, I have been hurt by tons of people, who have left me with so much bitterness, hate and disgust for their every fibre that I don’t think that rage I have is ever going to leave me. And I’m not sure I want it to. It’s sad that a large chunk of my family is part of this too. They often describe me as not being able to let things go.

As opposed to what? Being willing to forgive and forget and let these clearly spiteful people get close enough to hurt you again? Let me give you just one example. There’s someone in my family who was filled with so much anger and bitterness that a few years ago, they finally snapped, exploded and nearly killed my mother in an attempt to get to me. Came over in a fit of rage and tried to strangle her on her own doorstep! I guarantee you right now that had I forgiven them, had I and my mother been willing to just close our eyes to it and pretend that “we brought it on ourselves” (Yeah, that tired old argument), we probably would be dead! Forget about forgiveness… how can you ever trust a person like that again?

You’re seeing my dilemma, I suppose? That’s what people are quick to call me out on. How can I possibly carry Christmas in my name – the ultimate symbol of kidness, when I am still like this to those people? I’m not even a Christian myself. So how can I possibly do that?

If there’s anything I strive to be but know I probably won’t be, it’s Buddhist. I wish I could have that morale highground against people like that. But I never said I was the spirit of humility… Nobody’s perfect, not one. That doesn’t mean they’re wrong. And there are some people on this world who just hate because they can. And no matter how hard you reach out and try to appeal, they are so determined to hate that they’re deaf to the sound of everyone’s voice but theirs. Cruel as it is to say, they can’t be helped.

At least I tried. At least I’m still trying. That’s what makes me who I really am. The fact that even to people like this… I keep fighting until the absolute end, until they wake up to themselves, or prove once and for all they’re beyond hope. And if there’s a hope, try to reach it. That’s the meaning of goodwill, the word that likes to get thrown around a lot this time of year. That’s the point of Christmas.

If someone as screwed up as me can see the value of championing this holiday, and it’s meaning, I want to hope everyone can, if just for a little while. It’s a pipe dream, I’m sure. But it’s a good one.

I had a feeling I’d rant so long that I’d actually forget to talk bout the picture. I had a lot of fun doing it and it was a pleasant learning experience, like I always hope for. Context wise, this was me at the start of this month, practically going back to my solitary roots. Dwelling in Solidarity. I feel alone, heartbroken, and like a lot I’ve strived for this year meant nothing to a lot of people. Like attempts to better myself just keeps putting me and my family in particular at odds. But as you can hopefully see by this picture, there’s always something beautiful and good in this world to draw you back from dispair, if you’re willing to look. However insignificant, it always helps.

I hope my little slice of philosophy helped a bit, and didn’t come off as too pretentious? I hate to seem high and mighty or like I’m ranting. Ultimately, I hope you have a great day tomorrow and the day after, however you choose to spend it. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.