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Brothers (wip) by Kirrlaos (critique requested)

To make a name for myself, thats what people always wanted from me. However I could care less cause the noble life was not for me.. That was my brother he went on to be a proud knight and made the family proud. Where I kept to the books and went off to study with the magi circle. The outcast of the family the one that no one wanted to talk about cause of the path I took. Though dispite being the outcast I still tried to keep in touch. Letters did come at first, full of forced caring for me and then they stopped coming. I thought it better this way in the end, why bother wasting time on a letter if you didn't care. In time I fully pushed everyone and everything a side for my studies.

Over the years I became a master of spell weaving, or in simpler terms the means to imbue items with magic. When the magi felt I was ready to go out into the world and work I left them. I took up shop with a elder spell weaver in a small farming town. Enchanting hoes to never dull and plows that would never break. In my spare time I fell in with the hunters of the village and learn to use sword and bow. I trained in the arts of war they offered just as hard as I did with my studies. Time I turned sixteen the age they call you to be a man in this village I was lean, but toned.

.....

As I became more and more a part of this village, I considered everyone here like family and they did the same. It felt nice having somplace to belong, but all good things tend to come to a end in onr shape or another. It was a cool autumn morning that started the end of my happyness here. I was out in the fields working with the other men as I watch the nearest one to me drop with a arrow in his chest. I stood there stunned for a moment, I was used to seen dead animals... But a person I thought I would never see someone killed next to me. Standing there in this state of shock I almost didn't hear someone shouting my name. Ears perked to the call of my name I shook my head, it was one of the hunters from the village.

"Fall back from the fields now!" he yelled at me again, and started to dart through the field and into the corn patch that led to the village. I made my way as well as arrows flew around me, one luckyly enough to strike me in the arm. I cried out, but this wasn't the time to worry about something like this.

......

The chill of the wind biting at my bones making me shiver as I wonder where to go to the north lays the light of warmth and a home worth seeking and to the south lays the pain and sorrow of those who suffer should I turn my back on them and carry home for my job was done? I slowly gathered my gear and started toward my home land, as I was done doing what I needed, though at the last second a messanger ran up to me shouting "Wait Sire Marcus don't go, I have orders and half pay from the king. We have another job for you, it seems a great evil has arisen in the south.." the messenger harped out as he tried to catch his breath at the same time. I wanted to pay him no heed, but I needed the gold and I took the scroll from his trembling hands as my eyes glanced over it once I had it open. What was in it chilled me to the very core, more so than the blasted wind that howled around us. I had no choice to take this job, he had come back.. A man I thought to be gone, my brother..

The flames flickered from the fireplace as I swung open the door to the inn. It was empty save for one man in the corner and the owner who raised his head as I walked in. He bellowed out a welcome as I closed the door behind me. I made my way up to the bar and dropped more than enough gold on the surface. "A room, a hot bath, your finest food and drink" he looked at the amount before him and hollar'd into the back room. A small boy no older than ten scuttered out and ran up stairs "My son will draw your bath and I will get my wife to the food, should I have it brought to your room sir?" he asked meekly and I shook my head as I spoke "I will be back down, I wish to eat by the fire" I took another glance to the man in the corner as I spoke. Something seemly were off about him as I took my leave up stairs.

As I reached the top of the stairs I noticed I forgot to get my key to the room. I turned heel to return down the steps and about half way down a dagger whizzed past my head. It came inches from striking me, but it missed. I heard someone mutter "Fucking hell" as another dagger flew through the dimly light room. My well trained eyes tracking it as my body started to move. Up and over the side of the railing I went landing hard onto the bar. Instead of waiting for the next attack to figure out where the attack was I started my attack. Left hand dipping into a pouch on the back of my belt as my right reaching for my dagger. Another dagger came flying at me, striking me in the shoulder but I only smirked as my armor stopped it. Before the attack had a chance to ready himself again, left hand slipped free and tossed three small glassed orbs out into the air. As they sailed my lips spoke a spell as I shielded my eyes with my cloak. A bright light erupted from the three orbs filling the room with the said light. I counted under my breath timing the spell and soon as it started to flicker out I sprung from the bar at the attacker.

As he stumbled cursing and blind I sent my knee into his gut and as he doubled over I wrapped my cloak around him as the clasp broke and using the twisted motion I directed him into a wall. As he crashed into it and before he fell, I was on him again dagger pressing into his throat hard enough to make a trickle of blood dip from the blade. "How did you know I would be here and who sent you" I shouted in his face and got nothing back save a mouth full of spit to the face. "Wrong answer" I snarled out as I dropped the dagger from his throat, as the dagger fell my head met his in a hard headbutt dazzing him. As he muttered curses at me and tried to get his senses back I threw him toward the fire place and advanced on him again. One hand gripping his head as I slammed it into the stone of the fire place "You don't want to talk?.. So be it" I grinned in the dim light of the fire. I glanced over to the inn keep who finally peeked his head out from behind the bar "If you don't want to hear what comes next I suggest you step outside" I said in a calm manner. The inn keep quickly grabbed his son who was coming down the steps and made his way into the back room. I looked down to my attack who struggled to get a bead on what was going on. While he did, I took my free hand and thrusted his hand into the fire. He howled out as it burnt "I'll talk! I'll fucking talk!"

Brothers (wip) (critique requested)

Kirrlaos

25 September 2014 at 14:52:04 MDT

As with any of my stories, mind the grammar and spelling mistakes its not my strong points.

This is a story that I started a month ago and decided to flesh out more, as it stands its more along moderate rating, but when I get more into it it will become 18+ to cover my rear :D

So enjoy a wip story about an outcast and his "noble" brother

Submission Information

Views:
111
Comments:
13
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0
Rating:
General
Category:
Literary / Story

Comments

  • Link

    It's good, and I could see quite an interesting story to unfold from this. Keep up the good work please, and I love the voice and all that shines through the text.

    • Link

      Thanks ^_^

      • Link

        You've done an excellent job in your writing. Besides, I should be thanking you for writing this. It's really cool and fun to read what others have written and all.

        • Link

          blushes Bah I'm not that good

          • Link

            Give yourself more credit. It's hard to write a story with good voice and story events that don't seem forced.

            • Link

              but uh the start to whereh e takes the arrowi s forced. I forced myself to write that today like I said I would in my jounral ^^

              • Link

                It's not that apparent, but the rest is just about flawless.

                • Link

                  giggles I see well I'm good at what I do I guess

  • Link

    This is going to be a rather lengthy critique, so let me preface by saying I really like what you've written here, and I sense a lot of potential! I only wish to offer a helping paw~ I see your comment about how the start is forced, and while it is noticeable, it's not bad, just unpolished; as such, I'm going to focus my comment on that area.

    To make a name for myself, thats what people always wanted from me.
    This sentence is good, a decent start, the only problem is there should be an apostrophe (that*'**s) in the contraction *that is.

    *However I could care less cause the noble life was not for me.. *
    A comma should follow 'However,' and the idiom is actually "I could**n't** care less." Lastly, ellipses are three periods.

    That was my brother he went on to be a proud knight and made the family proud. Where I kept to the books and went off to study with the magi circle. The outcast of the family the one that no one wanted to talk about cause of the path I took.
    I think this could be rewritten. 'The noble life was not for me; that was my brother. He went on to become a knight and made the family proud, where I kept to the books and went off to study with the magi circle, the outcast of the family that no one wanted to speak of.'

    Though dispite being the outcast I still tried to keep in touch. Letters did come at first, full of forced caring for me and then they stopped coming.
    A minor typo with 'despite,' along with a bit of a grammar error. "...full of forced caring for me, but then they stopped coming."

    I thought it better this way in the end, why bother wasting time on a letter if you didn't care.
    A great sentence, revealing a lot about the character's personality and mentality; just needs a question mark at the end. d(^.^)z

    *In time I fully pushed everyone and everything a side for my studies. *
    'In time," and "aside." Again, another revealing sentence that is very good.

    *Over the years I became a master of spell weaving, or in simpler terms the means to imbue items with magic. *
    A bit awkward phrasing. Perhaps a change to, "or in simpler terms, imbuing items with magic," or something similar.

    *When the magi felt I was ready to go out into the world and work I left them. *
    'world and work, I left them...'

    I took up shop with a elder spell weaver in a small farming town. Enchanting hoes to never dull and plows that would never break
    'An elder spell weaver...' as well as combining these two with a comma.

    In my spare time I fell in with the hunters of the village and learn to use sword and bow. I trained in the arts of war they offered just as hard as I did with my studies.
    'village, and learned...' and perhaps adjusting the last sentence to 'just as hard as I focused on my studies.'

    Time I turned sixteen the age they call you to be a man in this village I was lean, but toned.
    'By the time I turned sixteen -- the age the villagers call you a man -- I was lean, but toned.'

    It felt nice having somplace to belong, but all good things tend to come to a end in onr shape or another.
    Small typo, no biggie. 'One.'

    It was a cool autumn morning that started the end of my happyness here.
    Another small one; 'happiness.'

    I was out in the fields working with the other men as I watch the nearest one to me drop with a arrow in his chest.
    '...the other men; as I watch, the nearest one drops...'

    *I stood there stunned for a moment, I was used to seen dead animals... But a person I thought I would never see someone killed next to me. *
    'Seeing dead animals..." "But a person, I never thought I would see someone killed next to me.'

    Standing there in this state of shock I almost didn't hear someone shouting my name. Ears perked to the call of my name I shook my head, it was one of the hunters from the village.
    'shock, I almost didn't hear...' 'my name as I shook my head...'

    I made my way as well as arrows flew around me, one luckyly enough to strike me in the arm
    Small typo, 'luckily.'

    This is a really interesting story. I hope you do not feel discouraged by the critique; as a fellow writer, I only wish to see you improve. I hope you find this (really long) comment useful. Blessed be d(^.^)b

    • Link

      Ah, accursed format errors... Sorry; still unused to Weasyl =/

    • Link

      I'm glad for the help .. But I did point out that grammar and spelling are not my strong point. I do however like to see how it should be written properly and also like having my typos pointed out to me. Also it doesn't help that I'm a speed writer and my thoughts can't keep up so I do have lots of typos and I tend not to catch them all or I forget words.

      But over all I'm glad you stopped by and took the time to write it out, I may have to hire ya to edit my work <3

      • Link

        I understand, and in no way was attempting to make you feel bad about the spelling or grammar; it's better than a lot of stuff I've seen on here. I don't typically take the time to leave such a comment, but as I said, I feel a lot of potential in this piece. It's natural to miss your own mistakes because you read it how you know it's meant to be. Most of the grammar issues were simple optimizations, anyway =3

        I've thought about offering my services as an editor, or even just a beta reader or proofreader. Regardless, never quit writing! I think your work is lovely =3