Chapter 18

When my friend Risha Goddard was 4 years old, her parents bought her a stuffed tiger for Ascension Day. There wasn't really anything special about it; it was just one of the many plush animals you could buy during that time of the year. However, Risha believed hers was special, the same as what all girls thought of their dolls. From the moment she unwrapped that gift, Risha and 'Kitty' were inseparable. She told me the only time she ever let it go was when she was changing her clothes or getting a bath.

The funny thing is, she never really outgrew her love for that plush toy. For years, she carried 'Kitty' around with her everywhere she went. When she couldn't hold him, she either placed him in her bookbag or clipped him to her belt when she was playing. A lot of her friends and classmates teased her about her obsession with the toy, but she never paid it any mind.

Perhaps it was jealousy, or the simple need for a sibling to be cruel, but one night, Risha's older sister did the unthinkable. Back then I didn't know Mara that well, but to call her a brat would be an enormous understatement. She would do anything she could to make Risha lose her temper, and what better way than to take away the one thing she held dearest above all else?

During one of their usual sibling arguments, Mara ripped 'Kitty' out of Risha's arms and, with a malicious grin, threw the plush toy into the fire that was going in their living room's fireplace. Risha's scream was deafening, and her parents were there in a matter of heartbeats. Her father quickly doused the fire while her mother did her best to console her.

Sadly, there wasn't much left of 'Kitty' after that. By the time the embers were cool enough to retrieve the toy, most of it was burned to a crisp. All but its head, one foreleg, and abit of its body remained. Still, whatever was left of it, Risha gripped tightly, as though she could mend it by sheer force of will. She howled in grief as only an eight year-old could, and no amount of consoling could calm her down.

For weeks after, Risha did nothing but stay in her room, holding onto what was left of 'Kitty.' She didn't speak, barely ate, and the one time Mara tried to finish the job she'd started with Risha's toy, Risha bit down on her arm hard enough to draw blood. At that point, her parents began to consider counselling for their youngest daughter. However, just before they were about to make the necessary arrangements, Risha seemed to snap out of her funk and return to normal.

When Risha told me this story, she said that she'd come to a realization while she was mourning 'Kitty.' As she held what was left of her friend in her hands, she realized that despite the damage, it was still 'Kitty.' Sure, it was burned, disfigured, and it reeked something fierce, but she still loved it regardless.

Things don't have to be perfect to be loved...that was the lesson Risha learned, and it was one Te'Ki and I wound up learning the hard way. In our own ways, we both lost our innocence to the world around us, but deep down that didn't matter. We'd both been beaten, brutalized, and made to feel worthless in the eyes of others, but beneath the surface of our scarred and bruised souls, we were still worthy of things like respect, and even love.

The next morning, Te'Ki and I had our talk. It was no candid affair; we sat at the table opposite each other, and for close to an hour I explained everything to her. I left nothing out, including what Sensei confessed to me, and later on what Grandfather explained to me. All the while, my beloved cougar never took her eyes off me, and kept her hand over mine, squeezing it reassuringly as I let it all out.

In the end, we made a promise to each other: Come what may, we would never again doubt our love and devotion to one another. Whatever life handed to us from that moment on, we would face it side by side, hand in hand...together. We would always be there for each other, even when it felt like the entire galaxy was falling apart around us. Against the world we would stand united until the bitter end...

Whenever that would be...

The rest of the weekend passed without incident. We took advantage of the time to tend to a few duties around the dwelling, and then spent some time in the city proper, both shopping for the necessities and merely wandering around. Karalla City had many small parks and plazas in its downtown core, which people flocked to daily. We wandered from one area to another, sometimes stopping to admire a fountain, or taking some time to listen to one of the many buskers that occupied these areas.

I remember one particular busker – a talented guitar player – who was playing a tune so catchy, I couldn't help but pull Te'Ki close and dance with her in front of the small crowd that had gathered to listen. The applause we all received afterwards made her blush fiercely, but it also kept smiles on both our muzzles for the rest of the day.

By the time I had to return to work, the fire that was my soul wasn't just re-kindled, it was burning more brightly than ever before. I suspected it was merely a side-effect of having been so drained from the experiences before, but I felt stronger somehow...more complete than at any time since my exile. I remember walking through the security gate of the Port Authority with a smile on my muzzle and a spring in my step. Even Sharaya's incessant flirting didn't seem to bother me that much.

Even Allister noticed my somewhat changed attitude. While I wasn't really the depressed, resigned type at work, I wasn't overly cheery or engaging either. He seemed genuinely pleased with my apparent improvement of mood...something I hoped would work to my advantage in the future. Remaining on his good side, I reasoned, would be the best way to advance my career in this place, ultimately leading to my finally being able to leave this planet.

Things had also changed a lot in my training. As Sensei had promised, my training regimen was now noticeably different. Instead of the normally gruelling physical routines, which typically left me a bruised and battered heap, my teacher began emphasizing the more subtle aspects of the art. Again, as he'd promised, he made me begin to refine my moves. Now, every routine...every pose...every motion was precise and finely detailed. It almost felt that if so much as one whisker was out of place, he would make me start all over again. In truth I didn't really mind it though. Each time I went through the routines, I felt as though my mind was opening up just that much more...tapping into something I knew was there, but never really knew how to reach.

Sensei also encouraged me to find pastimes that would help keep my mind focused without much physical exertion. The first thing I thought of as an activity was music. Before my exile, Grandfather had encouraged each of my siblings and I to learn some kind of musical instrument as a complement to our training in Katu. His reasoning had been simple enough: Any kind of combat art, no matter how ceremonial, was created out of a need to destroy one's opponent. Sure, you could wrap the teachings up and call it mental discipline, self-defence, or callisthenic training, but the fact remained the same: The art of combat was designed for combat.

Grandfather believed that a person needed some other kind of hobby to balance out their souls, allowing them to train in the arts without being consumed by the inevitable feelings of aggression that came from such training. All of us – my brothers, sisters, and I – tried out various instruments to see if we had an aptitude for any of them. Of all of them, the guitar felt the most comfortable to me. Since the age of 10, I had been learning to play, but since my exile, I hadn't really given it much thought.

I told this to Sensei, and he seemed rather intrigued by it. He encouraged me to purchase a guitar before our next retreat. He even offered to help pay for it if my funds were a little light. His generosity was appreciated but unnecessary. Mine and Te'Ki's needs were few, and with no real household utilities to worry about, the majority of my pay simply sat in its account, drawn upon only when the necessities like food and clothing were needed. A guitar would be more than affordable.

I found a music store the next day and purchased a beginner level acoustic guitar. The brand wasn't one of the more prestigious ones out there, but it would do for the time being. There was no reason to invest a lot of money into something like that, since even before my exile I was no musical expert. Combine that with everything that had happened since the last time I played, and I began seriously wondering if I'd remember anything.

You can well imagine Te'Ki's surprise when I arrived home that day with the guitar in hand. I explained to her what Sensei had told me about pursuing some kind of hobby outside of martial arts. When I opened the case, she insisted that I play her something. There really wasn't much I could play in terms of melodies, but I knew a few chords and basic steps. Still, the effect those simple things had on her told me that balancing my soul would certainly not be the main reason for me to continue learning.

Sensei resumed our retreats the following weekend. Like the training sessions during the week, the retreat now focused much more on the nuances of the L'au Tari rather than the physical aspects. There was still a healthy amount of sparring, but instead of merely pointing out what I did wrong, Sensei instead showed me how just by adjusting my position a few centimetres here or there, the outcome of any conflict could be brutally altered. This was the difference between a novice and expert martial artist.

In the evenings, after our meal he encouraged me to play for him; he'd asked me to bring my guitar with me. Like Te'Ki he said very little as I tried my best to put into practice what I was learning. It was one of the few times I was grateful for his silence. I imagine I probably gave him more than enough fodder for him to criticize.

By the end of that retreat I felt like I'd grown somewhat. No longer was I someone simply learning to fight...nearly anyone could learn that. Instead, I began to feel that I truly was becoming something more. It's one thing to be told you're becoming a part of history...it's a far more profound thing to actually feel it happening. As Sensei taught me the details...showed me the more intimate of the L'au Tari ways...it was like I could feel myself absorbing some age-old wisdom the way a sponge picks up water. I'm not sure if this was how so-called 'born again' evangelists felt, but if it was, I could understand why they felt the way they do.

Te'Ki noticed the change too...and she liked it. Over the next few days I caught her several times stealing glances at me when she thought I wasn't looking. When I finally called her on it, she made no move to deny it. Instead, she merely commented how peaceful I seemed now, and that I radiated this sense of calm. She said it was hard for her to describe, but it seemed to my lovely cougar that I was radiating this feeling of completeness now...as though finally, things in my life were finally falling into place.

I should have known at that moment that this story...my story...was far from over, and that this brief moment of utter and complete peace was only that: A moment.

Tomas had followed my instructions to the letter concerning my Grandfather. He had approached the mansion, saw him, and mentioned my pseudonym. Halfway though the next week he arrived at my door. Introductions were made, stories told, and notes exchanged about how each of us had been doing.

"I told Max and Risha that you are all right," he said to me. "They are still away on vacation, and will not return until closer to beginning of school. Still, they know you are alive and have sworn to keep your secret." I remember him apologizing for taking such a liberty, but I assured him he did the right thing. I'd wanted to contact them myself, but given Max's proficiency with computers, he would have probably dismissed my message as another blatant attempt at advertising or some other pointless social networking promotion. Now that Tomas had gone ahead and explained everything, we could easily exchange messages back and forth for the remainder of the summer.

After our first meeting with Tomas, Te'Ki was filled with questions about how we'd met, and about my other friends, Max Wollar and Risha Goddard. She found it strange that a Clansman like myself would have friends with no Clan affiliation. However, if one knew the social status of all three families – The Baladins, the Wollars, and the Goddards – it would really be no surprise at all.

Harris Goddard, Risha's father, was head of the largest newsnet publishing company in Karalla City, The Register. With over three quarters of Karalla City's populace as subscribers, The Register was the most sought-after publication by advertisers, job seekers and employers. Each fiscal year, the publication recorded a healthy profit, which made Harris and his family very wealthy, and subsequently very influential. Many in the Clans, my former one included, made sure to include the Goddard family on any invitation list for gatherings, celebrations and the like.

Risha and I usually only met at some Clan function or another, but it was enough to start some kind of friendship. Many people found it strange that I, a member of a Clan whose main rival was a Clan of black panthers, would have a black panther as a friend. Of course, back then I never really gave it much thought. I liked her for who she was, not because of her lineage.

Max and I met much the same way: Namely at a Clan function. His parents, Anders and Alyssa, had dragged him along and I could tell he didn't want to be there. Of course, I later learned that his being dragged along was what the humans would call 'par for the course.' Anders was a wealthy man, whose investment company had made many a Bengalan rich beyond their wildest dreams. Needless to say, his commissions for creating said wealth also made him considerably well-off.

After Max and I met and became friends, he began looking forward to any Clan gathering in hopes of the four of us getting together and finding ways to 'distract' ourselves during such stuffy, boring affairs. Granted, those distractions had earned the lot of us more than one stern talking to from our families, but looking back on it I would have done nothing different given the opportunity.

I remember feeling relieved when Tomas finally left after that first visit. No, I wasn't relieved to see him go...I was relieved to hear that I still had friends from my Clan days still willing to include me in their lives despite the risks. Social faux pas aside, even a non-Clansman, or eshuke as we call them, could find themselves in serious trouble with the Clans. The Shatlia had been known to harass anyone even suspected of associating with an exile. Despite the obvious influence possessed by my friends' families in society, I seriously doubted they would dare to go against the most sacred of Clan laws willingly.

I contemplated that long into that night, even after Te'Ki had fallen asleep. I could indeed admire my friends for their loyalty, and would gladly welcome it, but was the risk too great? Were there steps I could take to help reinforce this charade of a life for them? Did they have any idea how dangerous it would be for them? iarapo

When my eyes finally closed and I held my beloved Te'Ki close, I was no closer to an answer to this dilemma. I knew, however, that before Max and Risha returned from their vacation that I had to have *some *kind of plan in place...some way to dissuade any and all suspicion about me.

How little I knew at that moment, just how far I would have to go to ensure their safety...

I received a message on my ID card from Tomas the next day, inviting me downtown for a get-together before I was to report to work. He knew I was working the afternoon or 'swing' shift that week. I showed the message to Te'Ki, and she smiled.

"That's great to hear," she said as we finished getting dressed. "It'll be a good chance for the two of you to catch up on things."

"I thought that's what we were doing yesterday," I said.

"There's only so much a friend will say in front of one's girlfriend," she replied with a smirk. "He'll probably be asking you for all the dirty details of what we get up to..." I felt her claws prickle up my back, causing me to shiver in that all-too familiar way. "Try not to get too detailed, though," she whispered in my ear throatily. "I wouldn't want him to have an accident."

I laughed as I pulled Te'Ki into a tight hug and deep, passionate kiss. "Ok," I said afterwards. "I'll string him along just enough, ok?" She giggled as she nodded, and then gave me one last quick kiss on the cheek before I headed out the door.

Tomas and I met at a nondescript cafe not too far from the docks. It was one of those large franchise places...you know, the kind that seem to spring up on every street corner. The drinks there were by no means as authentic as they would claim, but they tasted fine enough.

We stood in line for a few minutes before we were served. We ordered our drinks, paid, and found a booth to sit in as far away as we could from the bulk of the patrons in the place. We both hoped that wherever our conversation was going to go, we would be able to discuss things candidly without drawing too much attention.

"I cannot say again how relieved I am that you are still alive," he said. "You have no idea how...how much it hurt all of us when we heard the news."

"I take it Max 'n' Risha..."

"Risha cried for hours," finished Tomas. "Max tried to comfort her, but he was weeping as well. We all were."

I stared down into my cup, just barely able to see my reflection in the dark liquid therein. "And now?" I asked. "What were their reactions when you told them?"

"I believe Risha started crying again," he said with a chuckle. "Only this time, they were tears of joy." He took a sip of his drink. "I have not seen Max smile like that in long time."

I had a hard time lifting my head to meet my friend's gaze. I knew it wasn't my fault for putting the three of them through this Clan-inspired lie, but I couldn't help feeling a little guilty about it. Tomas' news only helped bring back last night's questions to the fore of my mind once more. "I...I'm glad to hear it," I said finally. "It'll be good to see them again."

"We will have to have party of some kind," Tomas proposed. "A kind of...how you say...welcome home celebration." He raised his mug in a half-salute before taking another drink. "So," he said, setting his mug down. "About what happened...do you have any ideas?"

"Hm?" I asked. "About what?"

"About who has done this to you," Tomas answered. "Have you even thought about it?"

"I..." I should have been prepared to answer this question; sooner or later it was going to come from someone. I hadn't expected it to come this soon, though, and especially not from Tomas. "No," I finally said. "In truth, Tommy, I hadn't even considered it." I took another sip from my drink. "If I'm being perfectly honest," I admitted, "I don't really care, either."

"What?" Tomas paused for a moment, giving our surrounding area a quick cautionary scan before continuing. "Why not, Dal...I mean...Darien? Do you not wish to see justice done in this matter?"

"To what end?" I countered. "Look, even if I had the faintest idea of where the Ka'al P'ack was, I don't know if I want to return to the Clans after all I've seen." I finished my drink and checked my ID card. I still had an hour or so before I had to go. "I've...I've seen things, Tommy," I said softly. "Things that the Clans...do...to people. Things that go against everything I was led to believe about them. As tempting as the prospect of seeing my family again is, I don't know if I could ever call myself a Clansman again and not feel...dirty."

"Perhaps," said Tomas. "But still, surely you must feel some need for...oh what is term...ah...payback." A rather cute looking bobcat server came around and offered to refill our orders. We both accepted graciously, and paused to admire her form as she walked away. Ah...had I not someone waiting for me at home...

"All I want is to live my life, Tommy," I said when the server was out of earshot. "I'm happy with Te'Ki, and the last thing I want...the last thing I need...is to put her in danger for some foolish quest."

"Foolish?" Tomas was starting to get agitated. "You have been accused of a crime of which you are innocent, and you are willing to live with that?"

"If it means not putting those I love in further danger, then yes," I responded. "And am I truly so innocent, Tommy? I should have fought harder...maybe if I'd listened a bit more during father's..."

"Name me anyone your age capable of defeating four swordsmen in the night," he interrupted. "Shiana perhaps, but she is training to be assassin. No one else you or I know could have won that battle, let alone survived."

I sat in silence, stunned by my friend's conviction. I had to admit that he was right. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the odds had been stacked against me right from the start. In this day and age, being held up at sword point was a rare thing. Even Daro and his goons carried more logical weapons for such a task.

"I...you're right," I said, bowing my head again. "I dunno, Tommy...maybe I'm just scared of where this is going to go. I mean, what if I'm at the heart of something larger...something too much for me to handle? What then? What if, by my snooping around, I put all of you in danger?"

The server returned with our second round of drinks, which we paid for before she left again. I took a sip before continuing. "My vindication isn't worth the blood of my friends, Tommy," I said.

"Why not let us make that decision for ourselves?" he countered. "I understand risk just sitting here discussing this. Max and Risha will also make their own decisions in this matter." He smiled. "I cannot speak for them, but for myself, I stand by you, my friend...no matter the cost."

There was no point in arguing; Tomas was as headstrong as they came. With a sigh I nodded. "All right," I said. "I'll start looking into all of this a bit more. Who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky." The last statement I said with a smirk. In truth, I had no idea what I was going to uncover, given what little evidence I really had. Still, it would give my brain something to do when my body was too exhausted even to play the guitar.

"Good," said Tomas, raising his mug once more. "Now," he said with a smile. "Speaking of 'getting lucky,' perhaps you can tell me more about this girlfriend of yours."