Chapter 17

I remember watching old war movies on the telescreen with Grandfather when I was still a cub. There was no real substance to the movies; they glorified the heroes, demonized the villains, and gave a romantic flair to the whole idea of going to war and fighting for your country. Maybe it was a way for a culture to cope with the horrors their armies had to endure to enjoy the very freedoms it enjoyed. Young as I was back then, I found them just great entertainment. After all, who doesn't like to see the good guys win?

As I grew older, instead of movies, Grandfather would sometimes tune in a documentary about a war. Which one didn't really matter; the Bengalan history is filled with them. In the documentaries, the real picture of a war is painted...and it's nothing like you see in the movies. In real life, war is dirty...painful...desperate. Battle footage is often filled with the sound of gunfire, and both sides in the battle suffer heavy losses. Yes, even the so-called 'good guys' are often cut down mere seconds after being deployed onto the battlefield.

The most disturbing part of these documentaries is always the soldier interviews. It never seemed to matter the age or lineage of the person being interviewed...what they had to say all sounded the same. There was no joy in their stories, save the relief they felt at having survived. If anything, to hear them speak about the reality of war, you would think the movies they made about key points in history were nothing more than glorified works of fiction barely based on true events.

Many of those soldiers talked about an endless cycle of rage and guilt...about how in the moment they were more than able to pick up their weapon and do what was necessary. And what was necessary often meant ending the life of an advancing enemy, be it by artillery, gun, or knife. But in the end, they were responsible for the death of another. When you peel away the layers of society, politics, religion, and even race, that's all that's left: You've killed a living being.

And that's when the guilt sets in.

In their interviews, many veterans talk about walking on the battlefield after the fighting has stopped. Never in any of them have they been able to describe it without breaking down. Even those who looked like death and danger were akin to breakfast and lunch to them were in tears when they described the seas of corpses around them. It didn't matter what uniforms the dead wore, either. In that respect...in death...everyone was equal.

When the rage passes, the guilt sets in. No matter how one tries to rationalize the necessity of what they did, the simple fact remains: A life has been taken, and you are the cause of it. Even if your chosen religion says it's all right to do so, and even if you believe in that whole 'law of the jungle' stuff, it's nearly impossible to truly come to terms with it.

Despite my exhaustion and Te'Ki's warm presence next to me, the scene from the alley replayed itself time and again in my mind. Every time I closed my eyes I could see the four of them first laughing as they tried to make Te'Ki relive her time as a sex slave, then on the ground, begging for their pathetic lives as one by one I dismantled them. I remembered each and every blow I landed on all four, and I could recall the growing ecstasy I'd felt with each successful punch, kick, or chop. I'd felt invincible by the time Daro was on his knees before me, bloody and broken. I was swept away by the euphoria...high on that sense of superiority. I held all their lives in my hands; with a simple thought I could have wiped the lot of them out and no one would have missed them.

Then came Te'Ki's gasp...and it all faded away.

Every time I recalled the fight, I also recalled the shame. I never thought I could feel as empty as I had the moment the rage left me. My soul had felt like it had gone from swimming in a lake of fire to a frozen wasteland in the blink of an eye. My rage had been so pure...so all-consuming that I'd forgotten Sensei's teachings.

It was only in the dead of night with Te'Ki sleeping next to me that the lesson of the fire came back to me...how Sensei had explained what things like anger and vengeance could do to one's soul. He'd been right, but he'd never said how painful that emptiness would feel. Gods...if this was how I felt after only delivering a beating...how would I have felt if I'd gone that extra step? What if Te'Ki had remained silent in those last few moments? What if I hadn't stopped punishing Daro for what he'd done?

What if I'd killed him?

Despite its cybernetic enhancement, I felt my heart tighten at the thought of it. I found it harder and harder to breathe as I imagined landing that final blow on Daro's head, and letting his lifeless body slip out of my hands onto the ground. I felt the bile rise no matter how much I tried to keep it down. The more I tried to block it out the clearer the vision became, and the clearer the vision became the sicker I felt.

Finally I couldn't hold it in any longer. I scrambled from the mats, groping in the dark for the bucket while trying desperately to keep the oncoming convulsions at bay. My breaths came in short, pathetic hiccoughs, and the acidic burn of the bile was creeping into the back of my throat. Frantically I reached out in the darkness, desperate to find that blessed metal pail that had been used in so many different ways since coming here. I knew the last place I'd put it: The southwest corner. Yet when I reached it I couldn't feel it. Try as I might my hands and feet couldn't make contact with that simple metal pail. I remember thinking briefly how much the Patrons must have been laughing at me before I staggered for the door.

I burst through it and staggered maybe a dozen steps before I could hold back no longer. I dropped on all fours and let the convulsions overtake me. My pathetic yowl became a pained gurgle as my stomach clenched, sending whatever was left inside of it up through my throat and out. I shut my eyes, praying that each new wave of retching would be the last, but my body was determined to purge everything from me. Even after I'd thrown up the last of my supper, my body kept going. Hot yellow bile dribbled out of my mouth and splattered on the ground before me.

It was getting harder to breathe. My body's need to retch...to purge...overrode even the most basic functions. Whatever air I took in only fuelled this need. It became a vicious, cruel cycle of breathing and vomiting. My head felt like it was trying to turn itself inside out. Each time my stomach clenched my entire body felt like it was trying to implode, as though my guilt-ridden soul had collapsed into some kind of singularity and was now trying to devour me from the inside.

I tried desperately to regain some conscious control over my body. I tried holding my breath, but to no avail. I jabbed my right hand's claws into my left arm, hoping the pain would snap me out of it...no good. No matter what I tried, no matter how hard I fought against it my body continued to retch and purge itself. I felt myself beginning to panic when the coppery taste of blood crossed my tongue. I wailed like a lost kitten in between heaving. When my arms finally gave out and I felt myself fall to the ground, I was convinced that was it. My body would continue to heave and convulse until it tore through every fibre of my being, leaving me broken, shattered...dead.

As I felt my face hit the ground, my last memory was a sound. In truth I was amazed I could hear anything over the constant ringing in my ears. It was a distinct sound, though...one I'd heard a few times before, and each time it never failed to snap me out of whatever state my mind was in.

It was the sound...of Te'Ki's scream.

I don't know how long I lay there. All I know is when I finally did come to, I was on my back. My eyes opened to the same darkness into which I'd stumbled, but now instead of looking at a pile of my own vomit, I was looking at the stars. Away from the polluting lights of the city or even the estate the heavens seemed to open themselves up to me...letting me peer deeper into the universe than I ever had before.

I felt so surreal, as though I wasn't merely staring at the stars, but floating amongst them. I wondered for a heartbeat if I'd indeed left my body. Had my guilt consumed me? Had my body lost the will to carry on and released my spirit? Was I now a lost soul, condemned to wander the universe, forever searching for Paradise but never finding it?

Would that be so bad?

I felt no pain, really...just the sensation of my mind seemingly opening up to the scene before me. I thought I heard the cosmos whisper my name, tempting me with an eternity of new sights and revelations. All I had to do was commit myself...yes...just give that one final nod and I could leave this world behind. I could be free of everything...of everyone. All I had to do was will it so...

Just then, something fast moved across my vision. I should have recognized it but I was still so dazed from everything, I never realized what it was until moments after it smacked me across the muzzle. The pain took a full three seconds to register, and when it did my whole body flinched. Whatever it was, it hit me as hard if not harder than Sensei's sparring holos.

With the new pain now searing through my cheek, my mind was suddenly reminded that it was indeed attached to a body...one that had definitely seen better days. My head was pounding from the strain it had gone through earlier, and my throat was raw from all the purging I'd done. My shoulders also ached like someone had been punching them, or perhaps grabbing and shaking them violently. My stomach was tender, and being further aggravated by the person straddling it and currently slapping the hell out of me.

My eyes finally focused and I saw that it was Te'Ki who was straddling me, ready to deliver another slap to my face. Slowly I lifted my arm not to block her, but just to indicate I was conscious. Thankfully it worked; she lowered her hand and collapsed atop me, holding me tight.

"Thank the gods you're all right," she said, her voice beginning to crack. "When I saw you fall, I was scared that...that you'd died."

My arms still hurt, but I managed a weak embrace with the woman I loved. I would have kissed her, but gods only knew how foul my breath was. "I'm all right now," I said. "Thanks to you."

We lay like that for a few minutes before she helped me up and guided me towards the pool. Once there I rinsed my mouth out with several mouthfuls of clean water, as well as splashed some on my face to clean off anything there. I felt refreshed after that, but now that the sickness had passed, the exhaustion from such an ordeal was catching up to me. "I think we should go back inside," I said.

"All right," said Te'Ki. "Will you be able to sleep now? Think you got whatever it was out of your system?"

I nodded, though it was a lie. Physically I felt all right, but what I'd done still weighed heavily on my heart. It would be there when we lay back down, and it would be there in the morning. It would be there until I either found some way to deal with it, or it consumed me completely, leaving nothing but an empty echo of the person I used to be.

Despite this, I couldn't deny the warmth I felt from Te'Ki as we slid under the covers once more and she wrapped herself around me. Though I didn't deserve this comfort I took as much of it as I could, trying to absorb her love the way a sponge takes in water. I tried desperately to focus on her love for me to help re-kindle the fire of my soul. I prayed that in the morning my first sight would be of her before letting the exhaustion overtake me and sending me into a deep, dreamless sleep.

The call to Allister wasn't nearly as hard to do as I thought it would be. Perhaps it was my voice, but he seemed to understand my condition and wished me a speedy recovery. He also reminded me to bring in a confirmation letter from a doctor, clearing me to return to work. I made a mental note to visit a clinic at some point before my retreat.

I managed to crawl back into bed and wrap myself around Te'Ki before the weight set back in on my heart. So long as she held me that nagging guilt was kept at bay. I let my eyes close slowly once more, focusing on our love. It was for love that I did what I did. It was for family...our family...the family we'd created by being together. Wasn't that enough? Should the low, warm fire that was my soul not have re-kindled itself by now?

We lay together for a few more hours until our bodies all but forced us to rise. Reluctantly we disentangled ourselves and each found some minimal clothing to wear. Te'Ki prepared a modest breakfast while I straightened up our makeshift bed. Physically I felt well enough to keep down the food she offered, but the weight on my soul made the food seem tasteless. Still, I thanked her for it and even managed a smile. She smiled back, but it seemed hollow somehow. Normally her smile would make my heart pound with love for her, but now it just felt grey...lifeless...mocking.

After cleaning up Te'Ki suggested that we get some air. I nodded in agreement and before long we were out of the dwelling and heading for the stream. We'd travelled along its banks before; it was one of our more familiar routes. Along it we'd found many places to rest and dangle our feet in the cool water, or simply sit and listen to it rushing by. More than once I'd been grateful for the sound of the rushing water...it helped drown out any roars or cries of ecstasy we made when we wanted a bit more than to sit and relax.

The walk did wonders for me. Perhaps it was the distraction of it all, or maybe it was something more, but with each step I took the guilt seemed to ease a little more. The warm sun chased away the chills running through my body, and the cool, fresh air felt like it was purging some foul essence from me. At the risk of sounding older than I was, I began to feel like my old self again. Like the day I was hired on at the docks, the pulse of the world around me seemed to resonate with me, as though now, I was drawing upon the very essence of nature to replenish what I'd lost.

I remember wanting to walk up behind Te'Ki and surprise her by scooping her up into my arms, but as I approached, I could see the way she was walking. Her footsteps seemed laboured somehow...slower. Her entire body seemed deflated, as though by my soul being recharged by all that was around us, somehow I'd taken something from her in the process.

We stopped at one of our usual resting places along the banks of the stream. I moved beside her and went to put my arm around her. To my surprise she actually pulled away. She turned to me and the glare in her eyes was one I hadn't seen since our first meeting in the warehouse all those weeks ago.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"You tell me," she replied, her voice filled with venom. She waited for a few tense moments for me to respond before continuing. "Why were you sick last night, Dalan."

"I told you," I said. "Something at dinner just didn't sit right..."

"Cut the matak!" Gods, her voice sounded more like Sensei's when he was angry. "I know when you're lying to me, Dalan, so just spare me, all right?" I'd hoped after that outburst her tone would diminish somewhat. I was wrong. "Now tell me the truth."

"I...all right." I told her everything that was going on. I poured out my heart to her, explaining every feeling I'd felt from when Daro first attacked us up to the moment when she found me passed out on the ground. I remember feeling small as I told her...as though I was making what the Terrans would call a mountain out of a mole hill...whatever a mole is. Still, they were my feelings and they were real. Pathetic or not, it was how I felt.

The lack of an expression on her face made a chill run up my spine. She looked the same way she did when I told my story about my exile. Of course, back then I wasn't looking for her approval or even her sympathy. Now, however, that look felt like I was trying to explain to my mother why I'd broken the cookie jar.

"I see," she finally said, turning away from me. Again with the icy tone...what was wrong with her? "So, none of this had anything to do...with me?"

"No...of course not," I said. "How could it?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said sarcastically. "I just thought that...well...the idea of yiffing a whore all this time finally caught up to you."

"I already told you that didn't matter to me," I said. "It wasn't your fault what you went through."

"And you expect me to believe that?" she accused. "I'm supposed to just accept that you're above all that?"

"You said so yourself you knew when I was lying," I shot back. "So am I lying now, hm? If you're this ultimate lie detector, then call me on it, Te'Ki. Tell me I'm lying to you. Tell me the fact that I nearly killed four people isn't tearing me up inside." She turned away but I forced her gaze back toward me. "Look into my eyes, Te'Ki," I growled. "Look and tell me I'm lying. Tell me...TELL ME!"

I'd hoped to see her eyes change from a defiant glare to something a bit softer...perhaps more sympathetic. However, instead of her look melting, it decayed. Her eyes widened not in realization...but in abject fear. I felt her begin to shake, but despite the growing nausea at my own rage I couldn't stop. "Tell me," I growled again, barely aware that my voice had changed. It had become deep...feral...savage. It only made her struggle even more to be free of my grip.

"Dalan...please...you're hurting me." Again she tried to break free but I held her fast. Her continued struggles only made me want to hold her more...to force her to see into my eyes. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling. I wanted her to see the truth in my eyes...in my green...no...

Red eyes?

I caught the hint of my reflection in Te'Ki's tear-filled gaze. It was my face...my teeth...my nose...but not my eyes. With such a vague reflection I shouldn't have been able to see them, but what I saw sent a spike though my heart more painful than any blow I'd suffered in or out of Sensei's dojo. What stared back at me was the visage of what I could only describe as a demon.

When Sensei had burst into my dwelling that rainy morning, I remember that his eyes were glowing a bright, eerie green. Like him, my eyes were glowing as well, only instead of a bright green, they were red...a bright, demonic red that sent a shiver of exhilarating terror straight through me. The revelation of it would have been euphoric beyond measure had I first seen it anywhere but in the terror-stricken eyes of the woman I loved.

Instantly I let go of her and fell back on my butt. I was dimly aware that I was shaking as much as she. I moved slowly towards the stream to get a look at my reflection. Thankfully, the image that gazed back at me from the water wasn't what I saw in Te'Ki's eyes. My face had returned to normal, but even then I hated what I saw. The image of those eyes had burned itself in my mind, and I knew it would be some time before I could look at myself again without seeing those red, hellish glowing orbs.

I turned back to Te'Ki and felt my heart skip a beat. She hadn't taken her eyes off me, nor had her look changed. She still bore the look of someone who'd gazed into the eyes of the Dark One himself, and the knowledge that I'd forced that upon her made me feel all the worse.

"Te'Ki," I said softly. "I'm sorry, I..." I moved towards her, but she backed away. I could hear a high-pitched keening coming from her, like she was stifling a scream. I debated reaching out a hand to show her how sorry I was, but the look on her face told me it would be a useless gesture.

I sat back down, turning away from Te'Ki and closing my eyes. The guilt was overwhelming now...the combination of last night's attack and what I'd just done threatened to drown me in hopelessness. I tried to keep myself calm, but the growing frustration threatened to send me over the edge again. It felt helpless...like a leaf in the wind. The whims of Fate were blowing me about, sending my life into whatever direction tickled its fancy. In that moment, it felt like whatever I wanted out of life was not only impossible, it was unimportant.

I felt the anger begin to swell again. I stifled the growl sitting in my throat for fear of further frightening Te'Ki. I needed to gain control somehow...I had to stop this downward spiral into which my life had fallen. But how? How could I gain a claw-hold in this hurricane of despair? How could I stop hurting those closest to me?

Sensei...

He could have warned me about this. Gods...he knew this was going to happen and yet he'd been silent. Why had he not said anything? Why was I now sitting here, with the woman I love now terrified of me when a simple explanation or word of warning could have made all of this unnecessary? Was this part of his training...to completely alienate me from anything even resembling a normal life? Was he to be my only contact with the outside world?

The more I thought of him and this betrayal of my trust, the more other things started to make sense. Connections were forming amongst the fragments of my life...connections that only served to fuel an already warming furnace inside. He'd been there almost from the start, hadn't he? He'd visited me in the hospital...he knew about the implants. He knew about my potential even before I did, didn't he? Had this all been him? Was he the puppeteer, pulling my strings to serve his own twisted ego?

Had he...was my exile all a part of his plan?

I had to find out.

"I have to go," I said as I opened my eyes. "I only hope you'll forgive me for what I did. I have to find the answers, Te'Ki...find them and hopefully give you back the peace I've stolen. If you choose to leave, I'll understand but hope you'll believe me when I say I love you and always will."

I risked a glance at her before rising. She was still shaking and every part of me ached to hold her. I wanted to take that pain away...to give back to her what my rage had taken. I felt the sting of the tears in my eyes as I watched her. Painful as it was to see her like this, I fed off it. I let it fuel my resolve to confront Sensei with my suspicions. For her I had to do this.

I rose slowly so as not to frighten her. Her eyes never left me as I stood up. I stared right back into those wide, amber eyes, and mouthed two words before turning back towards our home.

Forgive me...

---

"Stop."

I was breathing heavily. My muscles burned but I didn't care. I would pay for this exertion in the morning but I didn't care. I could taste blood from the numerous blows I'd taken but I didn't care. The pain, the frustration...all of it only fed the rage. I wanted more...I wanted oh, so much more.

The leopard standing before me looked ready to strike. This particular training holo and I had been sparring for close to a half hour. He'd landed a few good hits, but so had I. I'd also made sure that every hit counted. His left arm hung loosely by his side; I'd crushed his shoulder a few minutes before. His jaw also sat at an awkward angle and were it not for Sensei's command, my foot would have crushed his right knee entirely.

"This exercise is over," came Sensei's voice. "You are done for the day." The hologram faded from view, and only then did I relax. "Now...are you going to tell me what is wrong, or do we part ways now?"

I looked over at him...at that damned neutral expression on his face. He looked so calm and so smug. Granted, with a word he could end my training, but not before I got some kind of explanation. I was done with subtlety...with trying to be the polite student.

"How long have you been watching me?" I asked.

"Watching?"

"We met in the hospital," I said. "You helped me master my panic and frustration over my condition. Tell me...was it then that you decided to interfere with my life?"

"Interfere?"

"Damn you and your one-word answers," I growled. "Tell me: How easy was it to manipulate everyone? How many credits was my life worth to my father?"

"What are you talking..."

"How long did you think it would take, hm?" The anger was swelling once more. "What...did you think I'd just accept it after a time...maybe have enough respect for you to forgive betraying me? Did you think me that stupid?"

"Betrayed?" It was the first time I'd ever heard confusion in his voice. "I've done nothing to..."

"LIAR!" I roared. I leaped at him, fangs and claws bared. "I'LL KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!" Though he was seated, he easily dodged my attack. I hit the floor hands first and tucked into a roll that brought me to my feet. I spun and charged at him again. Were I not so bent on killing him I would have been in awe at his agility. He didn't have to block any of my attacks because he was avoiding them with a speed and dexterity that almost seemed supernatural.

Every oath I could think of, and even a few I'd made up on the spot I hurled at him, trying anything to get under his skin. Through it all his face never lost its composure. This only drove me onward...made me want to hurt him all the more. Anything...any kind of response...I wanted to wipe that smug, neutral expression off his face if I had to claw it off myself.

I should have known he was toying with me...letting me burn through all my rage before making any kind of move. He let me vent my frustrations for another ten minutes before, with one move, he had me on my stomach with my right arm seized. No matter how I moved or tried to break free, I would have ended up breaking my arm in the process.

"You will calm yourself now, or I will break your arm," he said. Again, his words showed no emotion, yet to accent the point about my arm he gave it a twist. I yowled in pain and slammed my free fist onto the floor. "I will ask you again," he said. "What has happened to you, Dalan? From where are all these accusations coming?"

"You've taken everything from me!" I wailed through the pain. "Why? What did I do to deserve this?"

"Calm yourself, Dalan," he said, his voice beginning to grow in volume. "What is this really about?"

"IT'S ABOUT THIS!" I screamed. I wasn't sure if my eyes had begun glowing again until I felt his grip on my arm loosen. Had I not been so physically and mentally I would have seized the opportunity, but I was done...I'd had enough. I just wanted it all to end.

I turned my face away from him, and felt him let go of my arm completely. I merely let it fall to the floor. It wasn't until I felt him kneel beside me and place his hand on my shoulder that the tears came. I wailed like a lost kitten, my body and mind reduced to little more than a quivering shadow of its former self.

"Rest now," he said, and I thought I heard the faintest tinge of sorrow in his voice. "Be at peace, Dalan. Be at peace."

I don't know how long I slept, but when I woke I felt refreshed, both in body and mind. Everything seemed so much clearer than before, and I felt utterly foolish as a result. All those conclusions I'd made before...everything I thought of as perfectly logical...after such a long rest none of it made sense anymore. I was so certain that he'd been behind this whole thing...from the moment we first met in the hospital right up to our encounter in my dwelling. How could I have been so sure that something so wrong was right?

I spent close to an hour explaining myself to Sensei, starting with the confrontation in the alley, and ending with my leaving Te'Ki alone by the stream. The rest he knew. I also explained to him how I arrived at the conclusion that he was the one behind my exile. At this, he nodded in understanding.

"Rage often makes us see things that are not there," He explained. "It is not unlike insanity...whispering things to us that, while under the influence, make perfect sense."

"But...my eyes," I insisted. "How did I make them change...and why red? I remember that yours..."

"Are green, yes," he interrupted. "It is not so unique a thing, Dalan...if perhaps a little unexpected. In truth, you should not have been able to perform such a feat for another year or two." He went silent for a few minutes before taking a deep breath. "I fear I may have had something to do with it."

"You?" I felt a minute spike of that original anger rise once more. "What do you mean?"

"I told you once that yours would be the legacy of legend," he reminded me, referring back to our meeting in my dwelling. "Perhaps it was my own selfish impatience, but I wanted to push you to your highest potential too quickly." He paused to let this beginning of his confession sink in. "Your strength, Dalan, is unlike any I've seen before. I admit that I took some...selfish pleasure in watching you display that strength."

"You mean by my landing on my backside so many times?" I scoffed. "I hate to tell you this, but my butt's not what the doctors augmented."

"Perhaps not," he chuckled, "but you have defeated a few of your opponents, have you not?" I nodded. "Would it surprise you to learn that those opponents are ones you should not be facing for at least another year?"

"I..." I wasn't sure if I should have been flattered or confused. Thinking back, I'm sure I was the latter.

"I had focused so much on your physical training because I wanted to witness what you were truly capable of," he admitted. "It was folly of me, and the rage you displayed only exacerbates my folly." He sighed. "There is a regimen we L'au Tari are committed to follow...one that balances the Three."

"The Three?"

"Mind, body, and soul," he said. "The triumvirate of the self." He shook his head. "A subject we'll explore in further detail another time. Sufficed to say, my selfishness has placed your training in a rather unbalanced state."

"Is that why...the eyes?" I asked.

"And the voice," he finished. "From what you told me, your voice changed as well." I nodded again. "Those are the two warnings of the L'au Tari...warnings that can keep you from repeating your exploits in the alley."

"I just wish I'd known them last night," I muttered. I shivered despite the warmth of the place. I thought of Daro, his bloody muzzle looking up at me, silently pleading for his life.

"From what you told me," Sensei said, "there was probably nothing that would have prevented what happened. Sadly, some like this Daro fellow and his comrades choose to ignore the Warnings of Eye and Voice. Their ignorance is ofttimes costly."

"Yeah," I said, my voice sounding hollow. The feelings of guilt began to surface once more, and I let out a long breath to try and calm myself. "I guess I should get back," I said. "I still need to pack for the retreat." I rose and headed to where I'd hung my jacket.

"There will be no retreat this weekend." I stopped and turned back to face him. He was still seated, and he hadn't even lifted his gaze when he spoke. "The fire that is your soul needs tending to, Dalan...wounds need to heal. You need to heal. Return to your home, and rebuild that which has been broken."

"Th...thank you," I said. I grabbed my coat and headed out into the evening air.

I took a transit shuttle home instead of walking. As cleansing as that walk would have been, I was too tired to do it. That, and I'd been away from Te'Ki for far too long. I shouldn't have left her alone the way I had, and I knew it would be a miracle if she was still there, let alone willing to listen to me.

There was no real excuse for what happened at the stream. Try as I might, there was no way I could put into words what I'd done without it sounding like an abusive spouse trying to make nice after beating his wife senseless. I didn't deserve her forgiveness, nor would I ask for it again. Come to think of it, I had no right to ask for it in the first place, did I?

I could smell woodsmoke as I passed the halfway mark between the highway and the treeline. The relief I felt was slight; it meant she was at least still there...but nothing more. I tried for the rest of the way home to steel myself as best I could for what was to come. However, like any uncomfortable situation, no matter how much you try to mentally prepare yourself for it, it's never enough.

My legs were beginning to ache slightly as I finally cleared the treeline and stood before the dwelling. It had been a long day, and I feared it would be an even longer night if I was going to try and apologize to Te'Ki. I was beat, but I wasn't going to end this day without at least trying to make things right. If I left it until the morning, we would both probably silently agree that it wasn't worth talking about, and while we'd try to deny it over time, this one incident would fester inside both of us, attacking us during those times of quiet and self-contemplation. It would tear us apart if I didn't do something about it.

I held my breath as I opened the door, expecting nothing except maybe a cold stare, or a mumbled greeting. At worst I expected to see her in that same state she'd been in when we left. What greeted me when I stepped inside, though, was the last thing I ever would have expected.

"What the..."

"Welcome home...grandson."

"Where's Te'Ki?" I asked after I recovered from the original shock. The last person I thought I'd see sitting by the fire in the dwelling was Grandfather. Normally he finds a way to leave a message that he'll be showing up. It could be anything from a small gathering of sticks by the door, or some other subtle hint that by the next day he would be gracing us with his welcome presence. There had been no such sign yesterday, and admittedly I was far too consumed by my own guilt earlier in the day to even look.

"She is safe," Grandfather replied. "I came here earlier to find her in tears, Dalan. She told me about what had happened...and what has been happening since your exile." His veiled comment had all the subtlety of a fist to the muzzle. "Is it true, Dalan...have you found one of the L'au Tari?"

"He found me," I answered after a time. Like with Te'Ki, I told my grandfather everything. I ended my story with my last meeting with Sensei, and explanation behind what Te'Ki must have described to him as my transformation into a demon. Through it all, Grandfather seemed impassive. I began to understand where Father had gotten that ability from. Every time one of my brothers and I used to get into trouble and had to confess, his face had borne the same chillingly neutral look.

Finally, when I was finished, Grandfather simply nodded. "I see," he said. He sat back in his chair and steepled his fingers...a sign to me that he was thinking...processing all Te'Ki and I had told him. After several minutes, he sighed. "I never thought I would be making this speech to one so young," he said.

"I'm of age," I defended.

"Yes...according to the laws of the land," he said. "But nothing truly ages you more than experience. And while nothing can truly prepare you for any experience, there's never anything wrong with a touch of warning."

"Warning?" I asked.

"Yes," he said. "Your Sensei is correct in calling us creatures of nature. However, unlike our feral cousins, as he called them, we are not blind to our actions, nor can we not regret them."

"Death, sometimes, is necessary," he continued when he saw the confused look on my muzzle. "In nature, ferals rarely kill for more than food. Even when defending their territories, most creatures don't kill. They maim, perhaps...injure...but they rarely eliminate the competition completely."

He paused to take a sip from the drink I'd offered him. "But sometimes they do...sometimes, when life is threatened, a simple maiming might not suffice. It is...an uncomfortable truth, Dalan...but a necessary one."

"So you're saying," I started slowly, "that I should have killed them?" I felt the bile rise again.

"No," Grandfather said. "I am saying that someday, you may be forced to take a life, especially in your own defence. When I trained your father in the War Hall, I told him much the same thing...but not until he was in his early twenties. Your body is strong, Dalan...stronger than I think anyone has ever seen, but you are still young...too young to have been subjected to all this."

He paused again. "The guilt you felt for what you did will always be there," he said. "But what you must do is accept it, Dalan. You must accept that sometimes death is necessary, and be prepared for that." He smiled. "You and Te'Ki are safe because of what you did. Given the reputation of those four, and what they subjected the two of you to, I would say the ends justified the means."

"Maybe because you're not the one who went through it," I muttered.

"True," he said, "but consider this: What happens on that day when you finally confront those who put you in this place?" He waved his hand around. "Do you think those four would-be assassins will simply stop after a mild beating...perhaps a classic sparring match?"

"I...I never thought about that," I admitted. I suddenly felt cold...empty inside. For the first time in my life, I saw the truth of my situation. The path to regaining my honour, should I choose to go down it, was going to be paved in blood.

Lots...of blood...

"Can I offer a suggestion?" Grandfather's question snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked up at him. "There is an old Terran saying of which I'm rather fond: Cross that bridge when you get to it." He smiled when I cocked my head to one side. "It means, deal with situation when it arises, Dalan...do not dwell on it. Live your life. Live...laugh...and especially, grandson...love.

"Love?" In all of my listening I'd almost forgotten. "Te'Ki?"

"She is outside," he said. "I asked her to wait there until we talked." He nodded towards the door. Wordlessly I rose and moved towards it. When I opened it, she was standing there and I felt my chest tighten. Even though I saw her every day, I always seemed to forget how beautiful she was.

I gingerly reached a hand for her face and she didn't flinch...by the gods, she didn't flinch. She smiled widely and pressed her cheek into my hand. I stroked my thumb over her facial fur, feeling the wetness of a single shed tear.

"I'm sorry," I choked. She responded by crashing into me. We embraced each other tightly, and my heart leaped again as I felt her begin to purr softly.

"Perhaps I should be going," Grandfather said after clearing his throat. Te'Ki and I broke our embrace and stood away from the door, allowing him passage. The moment the door closed though, we embraced again, more tenderly this time. I knew we would have to talk; I had a lot of explaining to do, and even though I swore I wouldn't I knew I would be begging her forgiveness once again.

However, as she guided me over to the bed and I felt her claws running teasingly over my back, I had a feeling that I'd already been forgiven.

Her lips found mine, and I realized that sure, we would talk. But it would wait...at least for now.