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Work Hiccups, Streaming Stress and Schedules

on 19 February 2017 at 15:26:08 MST

As a first step towards keeping you all more regularly adjourned with the goings-on in my (supposedly) professional artist's life, I thought I'd write up a quick little update about what's happened since my birthday journal, which was pretty massive.

Work has been kicking my ass, to get right to the point, and I haven't really been doing much to kick its ass back in any considerable way. There's a lot going on that's holding me back from being as creative as I'd like, both from myself as well as other stuff that's out of my control.

One problem is my need for secrecy. Although what I'm doing isn't illegal, and I'm not having to restrict my content because of any laws any more, it isn't exactly "socially acceptable" where I'm from. Furthermore, I live in a very tight-knit community where bad news travels fast. While I wouldn't necessarily mind people knowing this about me, it can severely restrict my options for a career moving forward, and also bring a lot of shame to my family that I'd rather avoid. I firmly believe that the burden that my lifestyle choices bring with them should only directly affect me as much as possible.

Unfortunately, this secrecy causes other problems. I don't know if my need for recognition is stunted in some way, but if my work is not acknowledged over a long period of time, I lose my enthusiasm very quickly. Although I've garnered a decent following online, that kind of recognition is very fleeting and ultimately insubstantial when compared to more personal, direct feedback from personal contact.

The second, and likely more major issue is the lack of discipline I've had with my own work. I don't work regular hours, and while I am working, I often don't take the necessary steps to minimize distractions for myself. I worry about being "bored" while I work, and so I keep youtube running on my second monitor. Unfortunately this draws my eyes away from where they should be, and stalls my work completely. Rather than focusing on working hard for fewer hours, I've preferred to work idly over an entire day, often lagging behind my healthy pace.

One other thing I'd like to mention is that I've become a bit anxious about streaming due to some incidents in the chat. The incidents in question were fairly "contained," for lack of a better term (which is why most people probably haven't even noticed), but I handled them so badly that they got escalated beyond any point that they should ever have. As a result, I worry about it happening again, but I've resolved to deal with my apprehension with more regular sessions and a few ground rules. I'll elaborate a little further on this another time, to avoid writing out another behemoth of a journal like last time.

For now, just be advised that I'll be streaming sometime tomorrow and the day after that. Hope to see you there!

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