Dated 16/01/2014

MIKE: As soon as I stepped in the front door, I froze.

Shattered glass on the carpet. A picture frame smashed into pieces. The hall table heaved onto its side. We must have been burgled.

I stood there for a moment. My heart was thumping in my chest. I started running over everything in my head: The key was still in my hand, the door had definitely been locked. Maybe they had come in round the back. Maybe they had smashed a window. Maybe they were still in there, lurking around the corner.

My instincts were pushing me to run back out of the door. Any step closer to the next room made me fear encountering the intruder in the act. But then I remembered: Rexar's car was out the front. He must be here. Unless he had walked out?...

Suddenly there was a grunt. I jumped. It sounded like it came from the front room. As I thought about it for a moment, it sounded like Rex. Maybe he was in there after all. Cautiously tip-toeing my way around the mess in the hallway, I crept towards the lounge door.

Slowly, I peered in. There was Rex, sitting on the couch. My heartbeat eased a little.

"...Rex?"

He turned, startled. Raising his hand over his face, he quickly turned away again.

I stopped. My eyes took a second to realise what they had just seen. Rex's face was wet. His eyes looked raw and hurt. He had been crying.

For a moment, I was taken aback. I'd never seen him like that before. I had known Rex for years, but I had never seen him look so vulnerable. He had always been so strong and confident, yet in that instant, he looked broken.

I walked round to the front of the couch. Rex kept his head down. I wasn't sure if he wanted me there, but I had to know what was going on.

"Rex? Wh... what's happened? What's wrong?"

He was silent, keeping his head down. Then a sniffle. A deep sigh.

"It's Carl..." he croaked. "Him and me... It's over."

I stood back. I was stunned. I didn't know what to think. In my head, a terrible, shameful part of me had hoped to hear those words one day. But as I looked at Rex, I knew this was not what I had wanted. I would never have wished him to feel this upset.

"Oh Rex..." I sighed. "I'm... I'm so sorry."

He stayed there, keeping his head down. Motionless.

"...What ...what happened?" I asked tentatively.

He grunted. "Ugh... let me put it this way," he said. "He likes his other boyfriend more."

My jaw dropped. I realised what he meant. I couldn't believe it.

"Oh Rex, no... he wasn't...?"

He nodded.

I slowly sat down on the floor in front of him. He kept his gaze down, his eyes red, still brimming with tears.

"Are you sure? I mean... what did... how did you find out?" I stuttered.

"He admitted it," grumbled Rex. "He had to. I found things at his place. Didn't take much to figure it out."

I turned away. I wasn't sure whether to pry any more. He was clearly hurting.

"H... how long?" I asked nervously.

"Months," he said. "Probably half the time we've been going out. Longer, maybe... Some flash prick called Felipe. And he knew what was going on, he knew me and Carl were going out - didn't seem to bother him. Didn't burn his conscience at all. Didn't bother either of them, they were happy just carrying it on behind my back."

He snorted, rubbing his snout against his arm. I leant over and handed him a tissue from the box on the table. He took it weakly, dabbing under his eyes before he started to tell me more. More about Felipe, more about Carl, more about what he had said to him and all the things he had done for him. I didn't know what to say - I just sat and listened.

He dropped back in the chair, brushing his hands up over his face before letting out another exhausted sigh.

"And you wanna hear the kicker?" he snarled. "I asked Carl why the hell he was even bothering with me then - if this dick was so much better than me, if they were so much damn happier with each other. And y'know what he said?..."

He glanced at me, gritting his teeth. I could hear the bitterness, the hurt in his voice.

"Cos I was such a 'kind, generous person'..." he scoffed. "Yeah - in other words, I was the one he could get stuff from."

I puffed, exasperated. I knew what he was feeling. Rex had earned enough money and become pretty well known through his career, and I knew one of his biggest fears was for someone to end up using him for it. And now his own boyfriend had lived up to that fear.

"I don't know," he sighed, sniffling again, the anger in his voice fading into uncertainty. "I... I don't know where I must be falling short, y'know."

"What?" I said, surprised.

"I dunno, Mike. I don't get it. I just don't get what I must be doing wrong..."

"Whoa, hey - you're not doing anything wrong," I interrupted. "Rex, you are not doing anything wrong."

"Well I just don't get it. I don't know what more I was supposed to do."

"Nothing," I cried. "Nothing, Rex. You didn't do anything wrong - this is not your fault. Trust me, it's not. I-I..."

My jaw clenched. I actually felt angry. I'd never liked Carl. But as much as I disliked him, I never thought he'd be capable of doing something like this. To treat Rexar in this way, to leave him in this mess... I was furious. I wasn't sure whether I should say what I felt. But seeing Rex reduced to this state, feeling so unsure of himself, I felt compelled to let him know what I thought. To slay his self-doubt.

"Rex..." I started. "Can... can I be really honest with you?"

He sat still for a moment, cautiously lifting his gaze to me. "Go on..."

I looked in his eyes. I still didn't know whether I should say anything. Maybe he was too fragile, maybe he would think I was insulting him in some way. But in that instant, I could see a fear in his eyes. A fear as if he had become so doubtful of himself that he was now anxious about whether my honesty might be scathing of him. That was enough.

"Rex... I think Carl's a jerk."

He stared at me. He looked uneasy.

"I... I don't like him," I continued. "I never did. I never liked him."

"How come?"

I took a deep breath. I'd said it now. I might as well tell him everything.

"Because... I thought he was arrogant. I thought he was selfish. I mean, he never used to meet you halfway on anything. I'd see it - any time you guys wanted to do something, it always had to be on his terms, y'know? And he... he always treated me like I was in the way."

Rex turned. His eyes widened. "What?"

"Carl... didn't like the fact that I was living with you, Rex," I said. "He didn't want me here. He was always asking me how much longer I was going to be staying here, why I hadn't found somewhere else to live, whether I was going out anywhere if you guys were spending the night in. I dunno if he was just being paranoid or if he didn't like having anybody else around, or if he just genuinely didn't like me. But... that's what he was like towards me."

Rex looked down. He shook his head and snorted. I think he felt guilty.

"Ugh... Mike, I'm... I'm sorry, I had no idea."

"No, it's all right, Rex," I said. "Don't apologise. It wasn't your fault."

He sat quiet for a minute. I was hoping I hadn't said too much.

"...I am so stupid," he muttered.

"What?"

"I just... I dunno. I should've realised. I should've figured it out sooner. The way he kept changing plans... kept disappearing off to make phone calls... never wanted us to stay at his place... Stupid. I should've known."

"No no no. You're not stupid, Rex," I said firmly. "You're not stupid. There's nothing stupid about putting your trust in someone who's supposed to care about you, y'know? Besides, you are a good guy. A great guy. If Carl is too dumb or too shallow to see that, forget him."

I got up off the floor and stood over him. "Listen - I know you, Rex," I said. "You're the best friend I have ever had, the best friend I could ever ask for. You're kind, you're understanding, you're compassionate. You've done so much for me over the years. And honestly, I-I can't... I can't see what anybody could ever want, that you couldn't give them. You just... you deserve so, so much better. You really, really do."

There was a silence. Rex sniffled again. Then slowly, he turned his head to look up at me.

"...you... you mean that, Mike?"

I looked into his eyes. "Seriously, Rex. You've... you've no idea how much I look up to you."

He fell silent again. He dipped his head and swallowed, as if trying to choke down a lump in his throat.

"Wow," he uttered. "That's... one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me, Mike."

"Well, I... I didn't.. say it to be nice, Rex. I said it because... in every way that I can see... it's the truth."

He dabbed his face with the tissue again. Then he glanced up at me and smiled.

"You're a good friend, Mike," he said. "Sorry, I must've scared the hell out of you with all that mess out there. I... went a bit nuts. I'll clean it up, don't worry."

I chuckled. "No, it's all right, I understand."

He nodded. "Thank you, pup... Kinda makes me wish there was a guy out there I could go out with that would see me in the same way you do."

I smiled. "There will be," I said. "One day, you will meet a guy who will love you and appreciate you. There's someone out there for you."

"Yeah?" he chuckled. "Well I dunno... I'd really like to know who."

And there it was. A window.

I stood there for a moment. Say it. Just say it: 'Me'. Just tell him. Don't miss another chance. Just say it. Now.

My heart started to pound. I felt my lip trembling. I felt the word trying to creep up to my mouth, then stumbling back, then climbing towards my lips again. But every time it got close, the thought of what I was about to say made it lodge in my throat. And as my pulse raced, the fear reached up and dragged it back down.

The silence was growing. It was getting long. Too long now.

Who was I kidding. This wasn't the time. The poor guy had just suffered heartbreak, he was too vulnerable right now. The last thing he could cope with would be his supposedly straight friend suddenly confusing him with some intense outpouring of emotion.

My heart slowed. The word fell away into my core. He looked up at me, as if waiting for some response.

I sighed. Another day, I thought. Another day.

"There's someone out there, Rex," I said. "I'm sure of it."

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Rexar & Mike: Snapshots - List of episodes in full:
M - mature rating | E - explicit rating
(List last updated 30/12/2015)

Admiration (M)
Lost Opportunity
Out Of The Crowd
Moment Of Weakness
Revelations, Pt.I
Revelations, Pt.II
Couch
Exploration (M)
Reciprocation

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This was the fourth instalment in my popular Rexar & Mike: Snapshots series, a collection of images and short stories depicting the romantic relationship between my characters Rexar and Mike. This series is ongoing, so more instalments will be added in due course.

RRRex