Dated 10/02/2014

MIKE: Things were changing. I didn't know what to do.

Rexar's football club had received an offer. A big foreign team wanted to take him on. Only on a short-term transfer at first, but it could lead to a permanent move. There was no doubt about it - it was a huge opportunity for his career.

Rex was packing. It was late, and he was flying out for talks tomorrow morning. The deadline was coming up, so the deal had to be completed within the next couple of days. Everything was moving so fast.

I stood in the hallway, watching him trying to get his stuff together for the trip. "So er... what's... what's actually gonna happen tomorrow?"

"What?" he shouted. He was busy clattering inside his wardrobe looking for everything he needed to take with him.

"I said what's... what's happening tomorrow, what have you actually got to do?"

"Err..." he grunted, thumping his case onto the base. "Well... the club's still gotta go through some of the finer stuff on the deal, but I don't think that's gonna be an issue... and I've still gotta talk a few things over with my agent... erm... then there's the medical... and er... wha- ugh, where the hell's that gone? I was sure it was in here..."

He was still hunting for his things. I felt like I was distracting him. I was probably just getting in the way.

"You're er... you're definitely gonna do it, then?" I said anxiously.

"Well it's a great opportunity," he said, still rattling through the drawers. "I mean, it's... I've always dreamt about playing abroad and... it's not the kinda chance you say no to, y'know?"

I sighed. I'd somewhat hoped that somehow he didn't want to go through with it, or that there'd be some stumbling block in the negotiations and they'd have to call off the deal. But it didn't look that way.

"So, er... d'you think... you're gonna move away, like... for good?"

"Agh... I dunno yet, Mike," he said, heaving his bag into the hallway. "I've gotta play well enough to get a longer deal first. I-I'm just... trying to concentrate on the here and now, y'know what I mean?"

I did. Admittedly it was only a temporary switch for now - the new club would be putting Rex up in a hotel for the time being, and he had no intentions of selling the house. He had even kindly offered to let me carry on living here while he was away, though I knew I still needed to find my own place.

Yet even though Rex's future wasn't certain yet, I could feel the tide of events taking him away from me. If he wanted to secure a permanent move, he would still need to impress his new coaches enough to earn a long-term contract. But this was Rexar. He was a top class player, and an honest, hard-working professional. He was good enough. Of course he would impress them.

I guess I just needed to accept it. I'd finally gotten a new job nearby in the city. Rex was taking a big new step in his career. The whole business with Carl was months ago now, and I still hadn't plucked up the courage to say anything. Maybe it was time for both of us to move on with our lives - I just wished we didn't have to be apart to do it.

"Er... and is there... I-I presume there's not, like, any way I could... come with you?"

Rex stopped. "Huh?"

"There's... like, I can't... I can't come with you... can I?"

He frowned. "Er... well no, I... I wouldn't think so," he said, puzzled. "The club's only catering for me... and besides, why would you want to? Y'know, your life's here, you've got your new job now, you're settled..."

He was right. Of course I couldn't come with him. It probably wasn't even possible. Must've sounded like a really stupid question.

"No, no, I know..." I muttered. "It's... sorry, just... ignore me."

Rex dipped his head towards me, curious.

"Mike? What... what's going on?"

"What? No, nothing," I said, turning away. "It's nothing."

"Seriously, pup, is there... is something wrong?"

Should I say anything? I thought for a moment. But then I decided against it.

"...no, Rex. No. Nothing's wrong."

He stepped closer to me again. "Hey, come on now, I know you," he said. "It's not nothing, clearly. Come on, what is it?"

I gazed at the ceiling, gritting my teeth. I had to say something now.

"Ugh... I hate myself for saying this."

Rex looked concerned. "For saying what, Mike?"

What was I doing. What was I thinking. Here Rex was on the brink of what could be a major moment in his career, something he'd dreamt of doing. And here I was about to hold him back. All I could think about was what I wanted him to do. How could I be so selfish. If I really cared about him, I shouldn't get in his way.

But then... what if he did know how I felt? Would he stay if he knew? Was there any chance, no matter how tiny, that he might have some feelings for me too? Could I really let him go without saying a word about how much I wanted him to stay?

The thoughts whirled in my head. Yet as he stood there waiting for my reply, I knew what my heart wanted me to do - deep down, I would hate myself forever if I didn't find out.

I held my breath. Then I turned around, and looked up into his eyes.

"Rex... I... I don't want you to go."

Rex put his bag down. He stared at me, surprised.

"What?"

"I don't... I don't want you to leave."

"Whoa... heh! Hey, where's this come from?" he said with a chuckle. "Hey, come on, pup. It's... it's not like I'm disappearing off the planet, y'know?"

"I know," I croaked. "B-but..."

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I... I'll miss you too," he continued. "I will. But... we'll still be friends. I'm always on the end of the phone, I'll still come back when I can. Hell, who knows, they might decide I suck and they won't wanna keep me on! And besides, like I've said, you can still stay here while..."

"No, no..." I interrupted, shaking my head. "It's not... oh, it's not just that, Rex..."

"Wh... well what? What is it?"

I turned my head away again. I could feel my lip quivering. My eyes were starting to well up. I closed them tightly for a moment, trying to hold the tears back.

This was it. I was going to have to say it. If I didn't do it now, I might just lose him for good.

"Okay, I... th-this..." I stuttered, my voice wavering. "This is... probably going to sound... so, so crazy, but... I really, really have to say it, cos it's eating me up..."

"Well that's okay," he said, "you know you can tell me anything."

"But... seriously, Rex, this... this is really important, so, p-please, don't... don't freak out. I-I... I just really need you to bear with me... okay?"

Rex leant back a little. "All right," he replied cautiously. "Go on."

I took a deep breath in. Then out again. I glanced around awkwardly.

"I... it's like... okay, I..."

I stopped. I sighed. This was ridiculous. So many times I'd thought about telling Rex how I felt about him, imagining that moment, what I would say. But now that task was looming upon me, I found myself completely void of any way to express myself.

"I... w-well, what I, this... ugh... sorry, Rex, I'm just..."

"Hey," he said softly. "It's all right. Just... take your time."

I looked up at him. Hearing him reassure me like that helped a little. It reminded me of why I was doing this. I took another deep breath, just thinking about how on earth I was going to tell him...

Suddenly I remembered something. Something Rex had told me a while ago. Something that might just help me explain how I felt. I had to go with it.

"Rex..." I started. "D'you remember when you told me... there was that time when you were in high school, you had a girlfriend, you were going through some tough times. And... there was that wolf guy on your school team that really helped you through a lot of it... and you found out he was gay?"

"Yeah," he replied.

"And... d'you remember, you told me that... even though you had a girlfriend, it was the first time you seriously started to question yourself because... you were getting these really strong feelings for that guy, like, he made you feel so much safer and sure of yourself. And you just... you couldn't stop thinking about him?"

Rex paused. Curious. I don't know if he knew what I was getting at or not. Even if he thought he did, he probably wouldn't have believed it.

"Yeah, I... I remember..."

I sighed. "Well, that... that's just it," I said. "I've got the same problem."

"Wh... in what way, pup?"

I puffed. I was shivering. I gazed straight into his eyes. It was now or never.

"Rex... I can't stop thinking...

...about you."

To be continued... Click here for Part II

---

---

Rexar & Mike: Snapshots - List of episodes in full:
M - mature rating | E - explicit rating
(List last updated 30/12/2015)

Admiration (M)
Lost Opportunity
Out Of The Crowd
Moment Of Weakness
Revelations, Pt.I
Revelations, Pt.II
Couch
Exploration (M)
Reciprocation

---

---

This was the fifth instalment in my popular Rexar & Mike: Snapshots series, a collection of images and short stories depicting the romantic relationship between my characters Rexar and Mike. This series is ongoing, so more instalments will be added in due course.

RRRex