Today I got news that an old friend of mine Took his own life today. Im mortified. I ... I. He tried his best to reach out to me for help all this time and I was so absorbed in my own problems that i didn't take the time to be his friend. and now what.. he's gone. He doesn't get to come back, he doesn't get any second chances to know if it all only gets better and me? i get to go on with life knowing that i could have saved him. i SHOULD have saved him, but I didn't want to see the signs of his own self destruction. And i didn't want to see how his actions could be foreshortening my own. I feel like i was where he was im so terribly depressed and the three people i trust the most in this world...seem to act like i don't exist.

I deserve to be dead, not him. at-least no one will miss me. he had a Wife and a little 2 year old girl. i cant fucking do anything to properly pay my respects to his family. i cant even show my face out of pure dishonor. If i could give my life for his i would, then maybe everyone could be happy.

Im going to go lay down. and just... i dont know I wish my friends were around to help me. i really dont know what to do.