I've been battling with this art block for going on three years now. Trying to draw just makes me depressed and I have no drive. Having a full time job that is completely emotionally draining doesn't help either. However I have found a new creative outlet with Youtube so I have been pouring all my free time into that. However I keep having this nagging feeling in the back of my head that keeps repeating "you should draw something. you should draw something." But today I asked that voice, "why?"

Basically I have three things that are big time-sinks going on in my life right now. Work, art, and my youtube channel. Work is something I can't do anything about or change how much time it takes. So I have to choose between youtube and art. Most of my time not spent working on Youtube stuff is trying to psych myself up for drawing something. Or just recuperating from a draining day at work, which is most days. So really I have to choose between art and youtube. And honestly, I'm choosing Youtube.

Even typing that last sentence gives me a slight pain in my chest, but I needed to make a choice for myself. I used to love drawing but for a couple years now I haven't felt any of that enjoyment. The only reason I kept trying is because I felt like I owed it to people who enjoy my art to produce more. I wasn't doing it for myself anymore, I felt obligated to everyone else. And the longer I went without drawing anything, the more obligated I felt to produce SOMETHING. It became this self feeding thing.

I guess the only reason I've held on so long is mainly because I felt like stopping would betray my friends and those that enjoy my art. Which at this point I guess doesn't matter much since I've barely posted anything in the last 3 years but still. And also I created Ace as basically an extension of myself, and I was afraid that no longer drawing him would mean he would basically die. Like a piece of myself would just disappear. However, thinking about this today I realize that's ridiculous. Realizing that helped me come to my decision today.

So I guess the point of this journal is to give myself some closure really. Something written down so that I can allow myself to let go of my art, at least for a while. So I am officially putting my art on a permanent hiatus and pouring all the extra energy into growing my youtube channel. I know a lot of you following me for my art don't like the kinds of videos I make on youtube but this is something I have to do for myself. And who knows, switching my brain away from worrying about producing art might help me reconnect with whatever it was that made me enjoy drawing in the first place.

TL:DR - I'm pretty much giving up on drawing and focusing on my youtube channel. Here's the link if you're interested - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxYO9hkVihxpNVYma6hHNaA