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After sitting on it for a good long while by Cowboypunk
I've discovered that I'm largely asexual. Been filled with testosterone for a year and a half, with steadily decreasing depression and steadily more noticeable extreme lack of interest in sex. I'm fairly convinced that the interest I had before was due to pressure from a previous abusive relationship. The small bits where I do feel attraction to people will be to just about anyone, though. Romantic interest occurs in roughly the same manner. It's really fitting though, considering it all basically matches my gender as well - some weird agender/third gender thing.
Just felt like putting that tidbit about me out on more solid ground; it's mostly been floating in my head for a while. Shit's wacky sometimes!
After sitting on it for a good long while
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REPRESENT.
I'm glad that you've found a part of yourself! And I'm sad to hear you felt pressured in the past.-
YUS!
It's alright; it was very unfortunate sort of situation several, several years ago and things are much better now, which is all that really matters! :>
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Yay, the army grows!
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ayoo asexual agenders unite yo
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Maybe. You could be totally correct, but you are in a transition state and you are working on altering your body chemically, so how you feel sexually right now may change again. You might find you have interest at some future point..or not. But don't label yourself just yet! :)
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If it changes later, that just means it changes later. We can never be 100% sure about these things and they often evolve over time, anyway. This is also not a thing that is entirely recent for me, just a thing that became harder to see at one point in time. At the very least, before a sexually abusive relationship and after the control of ensuing PTSD, I exhibited a great deal of traits that align with asexuality, so it is a fitting category for me until the day it may or may not happen to change.
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Hey, congratulations on figuring out something important about yourself! I'm really glad to hear you feel better emotionally, too; I imagine that makes it a lot easier to be creative!
Also ignore the person being all "don't label yourself yet," you can absolutely label yourself now and change it as many times as you want. Identity isn't rationed and if we all waited for things to be 100% Positively Sure before going forth we'd never get anything done.
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Thanks and it does! But you can kind of pull a lot out of negative emotions for art, too. It can be a weird mixed blessing/curse.
I'm pretty much under the impression that we ought to expect at least minimal change in it, and many other aspects of identity, within an ordinary lifetime, anyway. If not because it simply evolved, then because we learned how the complexities of ourselves work a little better.
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It does happen like that sometimes! In the end what matters is that you're happy and doing (or not doing) whatever it is you want for you and nobody else.
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Indubitably! Thank you for your kind and supportive words UuU <3
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I'm not on T but I am some non-normative gender, for a long time identified as male, and I have lost attraction to most real people, period. I don't know if this is a transient stage or what. But I think it might have to do with the last ton of years being full of discomfort with having the wrong body for the job and just plain being worn out from dealing with that.
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And I say real people because I like characters, but I tend to interact with them as some other-gendered avatar.
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And also all the negative attention TO the wrong-sexed body. I has sexual harassment and a stalker, and also in general memories of regular sex with partners -- I don't like being worshiped for having female bits and what are you to do about that you know? You can't not pay attention to that aspect while being that intimate with someone. They can't and I myself can't. It's like, don't think of pink elephants, while looking at pink elephants.
Asexuality in non-normative gendered people is interesting to me.
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I know a good deal of trans people who felt they were asexual before transitioning and discovered otherwise afterward, finding their disinterest was more from depression and/or dysphoria. It's entirely possible that you may be experiencing something similar! I totally get the discomfort of being recognized sexually as female, though. Luckily my dysphoria isn't as bad regarding my genitals (which my brain seems to recognize as something other than female most of the time) as compared to my breasts. Some days I require a shirt just to remain sane, not to even mention someone actually acknowledging their existence or trying to interact with them. It can be pretty impossible to deal with an I honestly have no idea how to avoid it outside of never being naked or getting expensive surgery or staying really, really drunk.
I'll note that my interest in sex is really very fantasy based - I'm all for thinking of super sexy shit and do all the goddamn time (typically involving myself as some sort of third gender character), but once it actually comes to doing it with someone, I just turn off - I could practically be having more fun doing dishes.
It's all pretty wacky! I'm interested in impact of non-normative genders as far as the meaning of sex and gender in humans goes (and I guess in other animals, too), and their inherentness/occurance. But I guess that's sort of something that won't be well understood for a long ass time :p
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"as compared to my breasts"
that has always been the worst part. And I have always been hypersensitive to tight clothing so I would suffer with binders for the longest time. I don't like going out without one but I can tolerate it if its like, to Target or somewhere. Or I'll put on some kind of hoodie or jacket thing. But AC is coming up and I am like -- great, I really hate wearing these now (even more hypersensitive than I used to be) and becoming more mindful I realize how much being bound like that affects my inner state of being. So on one had its be physically uncomfortable, on the other socially/some-other-way uncomfortable. I am also a costume artist and I used to do stuff at cons but I got to wear the binders. At home I can just throw it on to take some photos then take it off to process the picts/chill. For the longest time I was hoping to get them removed but the cost of that plus the social environment at the time made that hope into depression. Maybe some day. Even now that I identify differently /I still don't like them./
Yea being drunk or stoned helps with all of this. Also I am terrified to possibly ptsd level of having people take picts OF me at conventions and stuff, if I don't have a binder on. And if its certain people that ping me wrong, binder or not. For a while I was really paranoid of any picts of me being up that /I/ had originally posted, that made me look to female.
Oh and yea I generally like other-gendered /characters/ too. It's to the point that I think I might be losing interest in even characters that are only one sex or the other. When you got someone that is the same other-gender its like there isn't even any room for the possibility of even unrecognized sexism in the partner. Unless its internalized self-sexism that could be applied to me then as well...but if its like a whole species that doesn't even have different genders where would that even come from? I think it all comes down to having sensed even subtle levels of sexism in everyone I could partner with irl and in many cases far too much. Even benevolent sexism. Anything that makes me different in some gender-based way from them. Anything that drives a barrier in there, and reminds me I especially never wanted this difference to begin with.
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I can't leave the house without one, I get too paranoid. Surgery seems practically like a pipe dream to me. It would help if there were more surgeons available that were closer or that took insurance, but pretty much all of them would require a two week stay in another state. u_u Saving up really, really slowly in the meantime. I don't know how much you're trying to bind, mine are like small b's so they aren't much of a nuisance, but I have a couple binders that have stretched out quite a lot so they aren't crushing me anymore and the added fabric still goes a looong way in hiding everything. If your binders are still pretty fresh, it might help to try stretching one out a bit and see if it helps improve comfort. Loveboat has some binders made of soft fabrics, too, if you think that might help any.
I used to never tolerate photos of me. If just one was taken of me it would throw me into days or even weeks of depression. After a few months on T, the overwhelming majority of that has gone away and now I just don't particularly like photos of me. It's weird because before, I felt like my reaction was just what everyone felt when they said they don't like photos of themselves. It definitely wasn't; I almost viewed photos of me like they were revealing what a monster I was. Now it's more like "oh, I look like a dork." I guess what was really surprising was just how many tiny details added to my dysphoria; it wasn't just the overtly female bits - those were just the most apparent oppressors - there were tons of little bits, like skin folds and hair texture and facial musculature and proportions of minor fat deposits, that didn't seem like they bothered me or were practically invisible, but added up in a big way. I still refuse to look at or let others share older pictures of me. It's just a reminder of a personal hell I was forced to live through, and who the hell wants to be reminded of that??
I'm way more attracted to nonbinary genders/sexes, too. I used to think that it was more because it made things easier, but I think that's just what I'm mostly into. Possibly because I can better relate/identify with them? Who knows! My partner and I always whine about humans not just being a hermaphroditic species. It may be less energy efficient, but dammit, is sounds infinitely more easy socially and emotionally! I guess we'd probably just have some other thing we'd be freaking out about or being asses about to each other, though.
But for real, if you're contemplating HRT, it may do wonders in helping the dysphoria. I'm certainly not going to assume what you've been experiencing or the complexities within your identity and the coping methods for your dysphoria, but everything you're saying is exactly what I went through before T and has been significantly reduced since. Obviously, I still need a binder to tolerate being in public, there's the rare occasion where I'm misgendered by some stranger or someone just being a jerk, and everything in life ain't peaches and cream, but it is WAY better than what is was and is getting steadily better every month. I sincerely wish you the best on overcoming this burden UuU <3
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"I have a couple binders that have stretched out quite a lot so they aren't crushing me anymore"
Yea those are the only ones I can stand to wear now. It at least gives the impression that I am trying, though its still a little less flat than the tight one, and gets rid of the points and is better than nothing. Also fortunately my tits are small oh praise Existence I don't have huge knockers shit would have been even worse in the past. I feel bad for anyone doing this that has to squish 4 times as much down.
Getting them removed is so far out of the question right now. And my family are...yea thing is if my folks understood how important this was to me that would not be an issue they would probably gift me that as recognition of how it would help my overall fuckterrible mental health but as it is my dad used to try to prevent me from even wearing a binder around him. He has at least sense apologized for that. I live elsewhere now. I seriously don't even go out much anymore as a result of being worn out from the last many years. It all adds up. Even going into bathrooms (gender issues + OCD); every time I had to make a decision to go into a bathroom -- it was like I had to think about the reality of the situation each time + worry that I might encounter some kind of resistance/confrontation in /either/ bathroom. Sometimes women in the women's room would be confused if they were in the right bathroom and /that/ was actually a pat on the back that I was passing as male enough. but I was worried like - well are they gonna think I am a dude and freak out, well I guess all I have to do is /speak/ to clear that up. I was worried about I don't even know what could have happened in the male room, especially in redneck diners and walmarts and places. And I was furious that there was still segregation in this one aspect. That is not as much of an issue anymore, to me, for whatever reason.
"I used to never tolerate photos of me. If just one was taken of me it would throw me into days or even weeks of depression."
I had something happen that like -- I will basically flip out. Days afterward an be messed up. And there was one dude at a con that I was arguing with not to take my pict and I was telling him why, and that I had a stalker and was transgender, etc, and the dumbass was not understanding at all like there was some empathetic barrier; he could not tell that I was starting to freak out. And he just kept going arguing with me with this herp-de-dee attitude. And I could tell he was the sort of person that you REALLY DO NOT want taking picts of you BECAUSE of that kind of thing, like before he even started this I could tell -- which is why I was telling /him/ not to take photos.... and my roommate was fortunately there and was like, to the guy: "You are being an asshole." Just really frank, and the guy suddenly realized he was derping up and apologized. I don't think he was malicious, he was just dumb; but dumb like that causes problems. I was borked up for the rest of that convention though it gradually subsided. It started to get scary because the guy was not understanding barriers and that's the kind of thing that caused this kind of intuition-ping-to-gtfo-from-someone/stop-taking-picts-of-me thing to begin with. If a photographer is competent then I am now a bit less paranoid but I just prefer that no one takes picts of me except me.
"I almost viewed photos of me like they were revealing what a monster I was."
And now you are on T and its like: "oh, I look like a dork."
Maybe the photos are like the most permanent and exposing indicators of a reality that you found horrifying and were then powerless to escape. Until now." it wasn't just the overtly female bits - those were just the most apparent oppressors - there were tons of little bits, like skin folds and hair texture and facial musculature and proportions of minor fat deposits, that didn't seem like they bothered me or were practically invisible, but added up in a big way."
Someone noted me asking if I was male or female when they noticed the curvature of my chin or something. In a photo. And that probably helped kick of a year of paranoia in photos online that I had no previous issue with. I know that guy had a crush on me too, and primarily liked guys. I was not into him but there is another unique trans experience where someone thinks you are a certain way then finds out you actually got different bits. Then its like, yeah great. I really wanted to be part of the normal gay community and its like -- I'd like gay guys who only liked guys, and then it was like /well there shouldn't be a problem here damnit/ like reality was kicking me in the face.
Right now being on T would not work. I don't have the funds for it and I am still too close to my folks/relying on them too much for survival. If I came to visit them like that it would be unpredictably bad -- I want to be able to just fuck off to the other side of the county if things went sour. I don't /think/ I would be disowned but basically, they /would/ be disturbed, and I'd need to be prepared for being disowned in case, financially and emotionally. The most likely thing to happen is my dad loses a LOT of sleep. It's is so sad that someone gets this worked up over something that is actually helpful to me. It's basically been put into resignation until later. Fortunately, one of my close friends is on T right now, who in the distant future I may move next to. If that dream ever happens things might change.
As for the thing about humans not being hermaphroditic /I know exactly what you mean/. It's not even the norm for me anymore for someone I am into to not be. It's like when I think about real people its like...wait...wait its only one or the other...
Like at this point I don't even /not/ want to have a vagina the issue is that I don't also have a dick. I feel like I am missing something.
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I get you on this... I've been on T for almost 3 years now. And I find myself less and less interested in relationships with 'real' people. Like, well. When I started T I kind of came to terms with what I really wanted and everything, and the whole idea of relationships seemed less and less appealing to me. My monster kink spiked ten fold though. I mean, I kind of have a close connection with a spirit, and after starting T I realized that's all I really needed, and wanted. I don't think I'll ever be either, just agender... or neither.. just a monster beast spawn trying to pretend to be human.
Good luck on your discoveries <333
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Thanks! My kinks def spiked after starting T, too, and I'm sure it's really just the T doing that.
It's all pretty weird stuff though! Glad to hear you found what makes you comfy! ouo
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I'm glad to see that things are really coming along well for you. c: May this journey continue to be a blessing o/
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Oh, thank you! <3
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Agenders unite!