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Am I being selfish? by Finchy
What do you do when you're in a relationship with someone that loves your art just as much as they love you...but you just can't keep up with their demands and requests for art too? I've been happy to supply art for my lover for so many years but sometimes I just don't want to do the things he wants, and try to negate it, but then I feel like I'm neglecting him by not giving him art, because art seems like it goes hand in hand with affection to him.
He asks for things so often lately that I just plain don't want to do, but I don't wanna make him sad. I finally just came out to him and I just...I love him but I can't read his emotions very well over the computer when I can't use skype. I feel like a terrible person...I don't know what to do...Am I? I see other artists post things for their spouses and partners so often sometimes...but I just don't feel like I have the time to do things for him all the time...sometimes I have the time but don't want to make the time but I feel guilty for having that feeling...
What do I do...? Am I being selfish with my art...because when he asks for things, sometimes I just ignore it and go do my own shit...and then have to make up excuses when he asks me if I started on his thing yet...? It's not like he's an unruly commissioner...he just likes my art a whole lot...I can genuinely see that....But I can't take the load all the time...but then I feel like a disgusting person when I have to explain to him that I just plain 'don't want to do it'. It feels like I should be obligated to do it since we're a couple...but should I feel that? What's going on.... I...
I'm just stuck...please...other artists that are in a relation or marriage to someone who likes your art...please tell me how you guys deal with each other...what happens...do you do art for them alot? Do you always give them the first chance when going under commissions and such...I don't know what I'm doing....right now I feel awful...I feel like a monster.
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I'm sure this sounds phony, but it's not him at all. He asks alot, yeah, but he doesn't rule me. It's my own emotions. i'm the one feeling obligated. it's not his actions either..I've always had this horrible overbearing obsession with pleasing everyone and to never disappoint anyone. This is probably why my commission career has sorta failed. When I start to feel like I've failed, I cave in and freak out and hide. I'm mainly asking for advice on how to just tell him no...how to justify my disagreements...not just to him...but to myself. How to feel better about taking time to myself.
I just don't know how to deal with myself about it all. I want to do art for him every day if I could...but I just can't physically and can't emotionally either since it gets exhausting...
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Sorry for any bluntness, I'm sure you know him far far far better than I do, but that was just my quick read. Anyway, the short answer to you is that's not something that happens overnight. It begins by placing more value on yourself and your time, and stopping the too big expectations of yourself. I used to be obsessed with pleasing everybody, I kid you not. My attitude now is the entire opposite; I please people on my terms, whether or not they appreciate it or not. I find inherent value in my own actions, and not validation in what I receive from others. It was truly a moment of enlightenment for me, but the crux of it was not only did I have high expectations of myself, but of everyone else too. It took a lot of pain and failure to reach that point, but I'm so much better off emotionally now.
Sometimes you just gotta say no, and you recognize that. You can't take care of other people if you can't take care of yourself first. It's a phrase that a lot of people know, but not one that many seem to get. And life experience is really the only way to get it. Someone can tell you a million times what you need to hear, but until you actually experience these feelings of self-worth and value, it'll just be another phrase that sounds smart, but doesn't feel real.
On HOW to tell him no? Just like that. If he's your partner, there shouldn't be any pussyfooting around the subject. You need to rest, you need some time to heal yourself from the stressors of daily life. You don't have to frame it where it's about him, it's about -you- needing the rest. That should be all you need. For yourself? That's harder, and tied to what I said above.
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The way we go about my mate and I, being both artists and both loving to get art from eahc other but sometimes we just dont have the time and clients come first. As much as i love his stuff and sometimes wish i could get more of it... I never ask for it... Whenever he wants to draw me he does, and he never asks for my art either, when im in the mood i ask him if hed like something and/or if he has preferences as to what!... Of course sometimes stuff happens and we go at each other (wich ever has the best style for it) you should totally draw that!!! I havent drawn for him in a while, timing just hasnt been right... I think your mate shouldn't be asking unless its once in a while and understand the pressure that it puts over you, talking about it was a good step... I'm not sure if my comment is of any help... If you wanna talk/vent more about the subject, feel free to poke me!
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It's hard because I can see how much my bf loves my art, and honestly even though his requests stress me out sometimes, when I'm doing a big project, I find myself always going to him. I trust him so much with my art, because his opinions matter so much to me. He critiques me on everything, and this morning after a good rest, I feel awful that I scolded him for that last night. His words and opinions are never harsh, and honestly I've just been an emotional mess as of late, but felt I needed to post a journal for advice as I went to bed. I don't reach out to the internet very often, because it has gotten me into trouble many times before, but after being a part of this community, and having fellow artists and friends I can trust and relate to, I've come to enjoy sharing a little bit of my stress of life with everyone, and even though sometimes people's opinions will never be 'on the dot' because I can't sit here and type out my life story to you, they help. I see people who are being blunt, and realize I need more details and that I seem to struggle with communicating only the bad, and never the good. For instance with this problem, I have more positive things to say about him on a regular basis to friends I talk to face to face daily...but when I have a negative issue I can't seem to work out, I turn to strangers who often have no idea that he's not some brutish art whore. He's just my sugar bear, and I love everything he does, I just have a hard time dealing with little things every now and then.
He asks alot, because he lacks the talent, yet has visions he wants to see come alive. And I'm so eager to do that for him because I love making him happy, but it's hard to explain to non-artists that it does indeed take alot of you. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding that myself, but it is indeed taxing on the mind and body. Especially when your tablet is just a rectangular piece of trash and gets you frustrated while working when it messes up and doesn't sense pressure sensitivity. Though I think lately I'm struggling because now I have visions that I want to see come alive and I want to be proud of them too...but they deal with things that I don't want to just put online...I want them to be in children's books...I want them to be paintings...and these take alot more time and planning, and I'm having to figure out my timing to please myself, go to work, go to school, and do things for him because I enjoy just giving him artistic attention.
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I see what you mean... sometimes I struggle so much and I am so thankful I am lucky enough that my mate is also an artist and knows what I'm going through!
I'm thinking approaching it this way might be good for you guys, you could tell him to write down whenever he has a great idea in a file... and whenever you feel like drawing for him or feel like you need his amazing inspiration you can ask for the file and pick something out of it maybe? That way his ideas won't go to waste and you won't feel pressure and can decide on your own terms when you want/can draw for him... also you might find out that by not being asked but by just having a go to list you might do it more often than before :)
My 2 cents! hang in there and I'm sure your mate is a great guy <3
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My spouse understands that this is my work, my source of income, and my passion. He's only ever asked me jokingly for art (ie: he knows I don't like drawing certain things and is being over-the-top/smarmy about it.) but I do gift him with stuff occasionally like on his birthdays or Christmas.
You're not being selfish by declining his requests, and his requests (depending on how frequent/boundary pressing they are for you) are probably the selfish bits, especially if he knows how pressured and upset they make you feel and yet continues making them.
I honestly don't know for sure not being privy to what your relationship is like, but if your partner becomes sulky, angry, or passive aggressive over you declining to give them free work that's usually a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It's nearly as much of a red flag as people who say things like "if you love me, you'll do x" in terms of manipulation because it denotes they care more about what they can get from you, rather than your feelings and well-being. :(
Overall, I think you need to talk to your partner and hash out exactly how it makes you feel, what kind of boundaries you need to put into place, and really just talk to each other about this issue. Open communication and mutual respect are THE biggest parts of any long-term relationship. I hope I helped at least a little bit, and I wish you both the best of luck.
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As an adult and some one in a relationship, you should be able to sit down with him and talk to him. IF this is something that is REALLY bothering you enough to post a serious topic like this, then you need to talk TO HIM. Let him know how flattered you are (and lucky) that he supports you and actively engages in what you do. Also make sure he understands though, you have things you need to work on sometimes, and other times you just need a little arty-farty time to yourself. It's hard to keep up with the demands of others.
Like lily and I have both said, talk to him. The most important tool in a relationship can often be openness with one another and the willingness to come together to work out your problems and issues and come to reasonable compromises.
There's also the saying " I can't fix a problem if I don't know it's there", he may not even realize you get so worked up. Have a talk, it'll do you wonders.
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That last comment really spoke to me. I understand communication is key, and find myself telling him that same information, but part of my own personality is to 'not be bothered'. I was raised in a way where I took a certain bit of advice and turned it into 'If you have a problem and it seems small, don't even mention it.' And maybe that's what happened...maybe that's why I just suddenly crumbled. Because I haven't actually mentioned that I get frustrated and overwhelmed...and because I feel like I could never explain myself with a rational excuse that didn't sound like...well..just making an excuse. I was brought up to try to solve my own problems without bringing them to the attention of others...and this is why I rarely share my negative issues with a public crowd.
When I posted this, it was actually -riight- after I talked to him about it. But since I can only read his messages, and couldn't be there physically to see his emotions or hear his voice, I probably took it way out of proportion. No...I know I did. Yes, I think maybe now I know I need to tell him when I need a break, and he was very open about giving me a break last night. in fact he was the one that suggested it, and stands firm upon the ideal. I just have a super bad issue with disappointing people, and I posted this because I needed to know my own flaws, and needed to know how to deal with my emotions in that moment.
Admittedly, I'm overly emotional right now, so this is probably also a culprit. My hormones have been doing odd things...my entire body has been. I think it's just piling up and making me break.
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I'm glad you talked it out with him, I've noticed something though. You seem to put yourself down a lot (you did it in all the comments so far , and you treat your concerns and issues like you should feel guilty or ashamed you're even upset.
You need a big ol' break and some soul searching , or some kind of confidence boost. Remember you're allowed to have emotions, like any human being. You're a person, with feelings, and a girl of all things. We are super duper emotional creatures man. He seems like a really thoughtful and caring person, don't feel so upset about having something that bothers you man!
(Hope I'm not coming off like a butthole by the way)-
I have been told this. Even by my parents, who see it too. I'll never really be sure of what made me this way, whether it was my misinterpretation of various life lessons, or some repressed memory that I have yet to dig up...I'm not sure I'll ever know. I have been told this by my own father only recently...sometime last year he said it. I actually have gotten way better than I was. Way better. I'm starting to care less about trying to please everyone, and watch out for myself in more situations, but I still struggle with it deeply. We talked more this evening and sorted some things out...I really do love him and I hate coming out like this sometimes for advice because it does make him look bad, but it's like...I tell people this all the time and they think about it and shake their heads in sort of a shameful but agreeing way. We never talk about the good in our lives. Humans naturally gossip or share negativity with friends and distant relations. We hardly ever talk of the good, and often find ways to tell the bad in a far more detailed, or sometimes exaggerated way. So when we ask our friends or acquaintances for advice while sharing something negative, their first reaction is often a harsh one. Hence Rory's up there. I know that's not his fault, and would never blame someone for that initial thought, but it's true, and it's hard to share things because of this.
We have our quarrels, but it always resolves itself. I think I just exploded last night, and it wasn't just about art. It was everything kind of piling up at once. I'm also in love with a brick wall ( quote from him tonight ) and he's a silly butt and is very dense and I pretty much have to be blunt with him sometimes about things that bother me. I guess that's something I have to learn to do too.
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Haha, I never thought bad of you're lover XD. I know every story has two sides and I have to think of it from both points of view, rory only saw yours and jumped to the defensive on your behalf :) .
My fiance' is similar, he's a brick wall and a half sometimes in so many ways haha.
I am glad you're aware of what is up though! It's easier to fix something when you know it's there :)
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seems like people have gone over most of what i would say already. but if you feel like a monster for wanting to say 'no' to anything, that kinda says it right there for me. i trust your judgment as for how you wanna work it out, but you /aren't/ selfish.
ps, hello!
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Rory
Sounds like you're getting used the hell out of, to be completely blunt and unknowing of your relationship. They don't "own" you because you're in a relationship, or ever. Your partner isn't always going to be at the top of your priorities, and if they think otherwise, then they're full of themselves. You should never feel "obligation" to your partner, you should do things because you want to!