CONTENT WARNING: This journal gets really really heavy. I'm finally disclosing a lot of mental abuse that's been happening to me for ages. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, so if you want to skip to my question, you can find it after the brackets.

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I don't really like to talk about my personal life that much. I don't want to bog people down with my problems. However, recent events have led me to a breaking point, and I need to let it all out. I need to keep you all informed on what is happening, because it's effecting my creative output massively.

I live in an abusive home. For my entire life, my father has been mentally abusive to myself, my mom, and my sister. My father never hit me, but he always threatened, yelled, and screamed. We couldn't do a single thing without first asking ourselves: "What is dad's mood? Is he angry?" My mother was able to escape the abuse after my father divorced her, forcing her to move back down south. My sister, moved out during her college years, and never looked back. I however, am completely stuck here. I have nowhere to go, no escape, no way to leave this hell hole I live in.

My father is the kind of person who never, EVER blames himself for anything. Whenever anything goes wrong in his life, he never thinks, "I should change," he thinks, "everyone else is wrong." In his mind, it is impossible for him to be wrong. To him, his marriage didn't fail because he was a mentally abusive asshole, it failed because of feminism. In his mind, my sister didn't cut all ties with him because of his behavior, but because of "that whole trans thing." (My sister is trans, male to female.) This is how he thinks. If something goes wrong, he goes onto youtube and looks up the most wild and idiotic conspiracies to back up his insane thought process. He has buried himself in his own fantasy land of absolutely insane thoughts and opinions with no base in logic. He is a complete idiot.

This leads us to how he treats me now. Due to years of abuse, I am crippled by an anxiety disorder that prevents me from getting a normal job right now. Despite knowing this, he is CONSTANTLY stressing me out about money. He's always trying to get me to give him more than our agreed amount, and no matter how many times myself or my counselor tell him, he refuses to understand that I cannot get a normal job right now. My counselor agrees that my dad is pushing too hard, and that I need to be allowed to build up my own business, my own future, my own dream, before I focus on supplementing it with a job my brain will allow me to do. Despite sitting down with my counselor, and being told face to face that this will take time, he refuses to give me that time. He is always badgering me about money, constantly stressing me out about everything, and he's so stupid he cant pick up on basic social cues to tell when I'm clearly upset by this.

He has many other severe issues that are absolute hell to live with. The big one is that he doesn't know how to go grocery shopping, and doesn't let me do it. We will literally go weeks with an empty fridge, and because of my stomach problems, I'll be unable to eat barely anything. I will literally, actually go days without proper meals. I'm serious. It is even more infuriating, because on days where the fridge is empty, he will say "bye! going out to eat with my friends." He will CONSTANTLY be out of the house, with our only car, leaving me trapped at home, with nothing to eat, while he fucks his girlfriends and eats to his hearts content. I've never in my life even had to THINK about "will I have food to eat today" until I started having to live alone with this idiot. It's absolutely unbearable.

I've been hiding all of this as much as I can from you guys, because I don't want to bog you down with my problems. I don't want to worry anyone. However, it's hit a breaking point where I can no longer take anymore. I am done.

On the 29th, kingdom hearts 3 came out. I had some Christmas money set aside that I was going to use to purchase it. We are down to one car, so I texted my dad to ask if he can come home a bit earlier than planned so I could go out early and get the game. His response?

"Well, it seems to me if you can afford to buy this game and other things you've bought this month, you can afford to contribute more to pay your expenses."

To say this made me angry is an understatement. I was absolutely Livid. This is called "having a budget." You can be poor, and still set aside money for specific things, especially when that money is given to you as a Christmas gift. He is an idiot, and doesn't understand how this concept works. I told him this, and his response?

"Well clearly if you're broke and can't give me more money, you need to get a job."

What a fucking idiot.

I've literally been going to counseling for almost a YEAR now, because I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER AND CANNOT GO TO WORK RIGHT NOW. This idiot, this arrogant fuck, doesn't understand what has been told to his face COUNTLESS times, because it doesn't fit with his fantasy world he lives in.

After this, I immediately went to my counselor and told him everything. My counselor agrees that at this point, my father is too far gone to listen to anything other than himself. I have to stand up to him and tell him off. I will no longer deal with this bullshit. If he brings this up again, at any point, I've been instructed to not argue with him anymore. I'm sending him to my counselor if he wants to talk about this, and I refuse to give my father any more money than the agreed amount. I'm scared. It's scary to finally stand up to an abuser who's been hurting you for your entire life. But I'm done. I have to. I can't take anymore. I have a vial of pepper spray, given to me for Christmas by my redneck relatives. I carry it in my pocket constantly now, because if the confrontation comes, I can at least defend myself.

All of this is to say, I'm kinda just a little stressed out right now. My art has been suffering greatly because of all my father's bullshit, and I refuse to take it anymore. I am already struggling with depression, and a dreadful lack of direction right now. I really don't need to be worrying about this abusive jackass anymore.

I had to let you all know what is going on, because It's actively effecting my art and my creative output. I know many of you have noticed my lack of uploads, and my general lack of activity here in the fandom. That is because of the issues with my father. I want to do better, I want to be happy and okay and enjoy making things for all of you, it's just so hard with my Dad's abuse going on. I'm so sorry for everything...

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All that being said, this leads me to the next big point, the biiiig important question I have for all of you:

**What do YOU want me to do? What do YOU want to see me make? **

It can be anything. I just want to know what it is you want me to do. Is there anything I create that you want to see more of? Is there anything you want to see me do more of? Less of? I just want your feedback more than ever.

I'm going to be honest with you all, I feel like I have no direction right now. I'm not sure what to create, and whenever I DO have an idea, I'm not sure if it's one that you guys would want. I feel very aimless, and I don't like that feeling at all.

I want to get your feedback, I want you guys to tell me EVERYTHING you can, as much as you can, in terms of what you'd like to see from me. I want to know all your thoughts, even if they seem like they might upset me, I want to know. I just want to do better for all of you, because you all mean so much to me and I would be nowhere without you. I want to do better.

Thank you all so much for reading this, Please dont be shy in the comments, I really want to hear what you have to say. I love you all <3