Hey all. Felt the need for an update. As implied in the last entry, July wasn't a very good month for me.

However, by the end of it, I've had a revelation of sorts -- many of the problems I face are my own fault, to varying degrees. I slept the days away when I could've tried to spend my time doing things that'd make me happy, or at least distract from the pain. I've let myself get beat up over having weird emotions after a friend-of-a-friend came out as a trans woman, all because I was afraid for them and myself as MtF. I felt I couldn't accomplish anything worthwhile, and that I couldn't please anyone who I'd done sensual roleplay with before. In those ways and more, I hated life.

I'm turning this around. I've been drawing a lot lately, even putting in colored penciling (clean stuff for now, but will draw more erotica eventually). I've reconciled and identified my fears about transition, and have made the appointment to begin obtaining hormonal therapy. I've been shaving my body when need be, and last Friday I tried on concealer and painted my nails for the first time. I've been playing games and letting myself just have fun, as opposed to sleeping all day.

Above all? I've learned to understand my personal saboteur within my mind... the young girl with bad chromosomes who has been afraid to be herself, having been punished for it throughout her life. Someone who was called a homophobic slur and bullied, and let herself get bullied after that incident by any who dared... up until she decided no one would do that ever again, and had an altercation with her crude, bigoted dad.

I'm not backing down now. I'm done running from my issues, and I'm going to be the person I was meant to become.