So I have been being somewhat active on Twitter recently, and just occasionally venting there about things. Feels good to get it out sometimes, ya know?

Well yesterday, I made a random tweet about wanting to commission something for myself for my birthday, and realized it was probably too late to get it on/before my birthday now. That was okay, it was more of a passing fancy. I know I probably won't get anything, which is fine since I often forget birthdays until it's too late for other people, too.

I mean, I (not so much now that I'm saying something about it) secretly hope that I'll get a surprise gift from someone, but I know it's unlikely (and I have never got them anything on their birthdays, so why would they do that for me? XD). Aside from occasionally getting something I specifically told my dad I want, I don't usually get anything. It's been this way for most of my adult life. Which is fine, really. I was somewhat spoiled as a child when it came to birthdays and Christmas because my parents (my father, really) wanted us kids to grow up feeling like these days were important and fun. Despite being in a "broken home".

Anyway, getting off topic there...

When an artist friend of mine saw my post about wanting a commission for my birthday, they asked what I wanted, which I responded with a soft decline, because I knew they already had a lot going on and I didn't want to further burden them lol. But I didn't really know what I wanted either, so I started thinking about it and had a lot of cute ideas pop into my head. But then those ideas started turning dark.

At first it was a bunch of my characters eating cake, popping out from a cake, generally hanging out and having a good time. And then it was like... All of them hugging me. And a single thought derailed the otherwise pleasant fantasy: "all my friends here to celebrate with me!"

It was a really nice thought, but my brain did a fancy movie transition to me, alone in a black void, hugging myself and crying, repeating to myself "all of my friends are in my head, they don't even exist" which is one. Of the most. Terrible triggers of my "disconnected" feelings.

I could be in a room full of actual friends and family in the flesh and I still get this feeling sometimes. I've been referring to it as dysphoria more recently because it seems to fit the bill, but the best way I can describe it is like that.

Disconnected from the world, like I'm staring through a mirror at a life that isn't mine, and when I try to reach out and physically touch someone to "ground" or "anchor" myself back in reality, everyone is out of reach, and I struggle to get closer, but a dark riptide pulls me out farther and farther the harder I try to get back.

It just kinda. Fucks me up and it starts a bad cycle of depression. This happens to me a few times a year at least, but it seems to be pretty consistent around my birthday the last few years. L like a waking nightmare.

I hate it