hey all, school has finally calmed down and i've made it back here. enjoy the long journal!

as my absence shows, i think i've become someone who has managed to separate the digital and corporeal realms in their life pretty starkly. in doing so, i've gained a lot of power and influence and lost a lot of inspiration and drive. seeing all of you make art and discuss various things, even if just your life, does inspire me and fuel me. it validates your own endeavors, as well as showing me there is a place for artists, crafters, designers in this day and age. i'm struggling with that identity, the creator and adjuster, rather than the 'fixer' or 'improver' mindset. so many jobs or tasks are based on using creative ways to change what we have 'for the better' but sometimes what we have just doesn't work, and no matter how creative we are we can't make shit like the stock market or advertising do anything other than what it's designed to do. seeing you all doing your own projects, finding importance in your own ideas, themes, principles and philosophies gives me hope.

my relationship with online spaces has changed. it's more like walking over to a building, or making my way to a specific gallery. each account is more like a cubby than like a home away from home. coming back here to do regular updates has been challenging. i use twitter a lot for quick, up to date communication. @_lycheemonster is still the best way to get a hold of me. from my past journals you can see it's always been challenging to produce art. the frustration i feel every time i get to a rest period or moment of relaxation, I think about my creations less and less. but when i go online and go through my Weasyl gallery, go through tumblr (a bit, my feed's too cluttered rn) i remember that all it takes is to sit down and make some art. you all help this depressed scavenger just by posting your crappiest sketch.

speaking of just posting sketch work and unfinished art, ever since weasyl has come online i've wanted to be more of a presence here. i make it a point to comment whenever i can to whomever, even about the smallest thing. i make a point to show myself to others in what i do. but even if i don't think what i have is worth putting up, i've forgotten about the cycle of artistic creation. not everything is going to be great. not everything is going to be 'material.' but as an artist, putting out bit by bit your work in whatever state it is shows others that you think it's worthwhile to do that process too.

i think it's hard to create a new routine from a new site and build a new social arrangement. it takes a lot of behavior change, and deciding to do something that might feel a little extra. to me, it feels like showing off things i shouldn't be showing off, but i have to step back and think about the value of this experience. not everything has to be a finished and complete beautiful picture. i'm trying to do what my teachers tell me, my guides show me, to find interesting and engaging material and make works that question and explore life above all, rather than those that are classically excellent. wealthy people surrounded by their exquisite pleasures fall into the trope of 'quenched yet unsatisfied' at some point, where their gold 'just isn't enough' Scrooge McDuck style or something, and the horror story behind it all has to do with getting your kicks a certain way. maybe college has made me weary of those who seem to think they have it all set-up and know exactly what they want or like. maybe it's made me envious of people who have that kind of dedication to a streamlined plan. maybe i've just been witness to others actions and seen how keeping things simple and 'just showing up' doesn't work. all of those things add up in my head in a very confusing way. out of all the mess, i've learned to not linger in a single mode of thought or even a physical place; there's always something to be done, even if it's little. as much as i've tried to find a consistent rhythm and build upon my own daily cycles, there's always the part of me that is nervous about complacency. middle-ground, brain! come on!

i don't want what i look for, what i base my worth on, what satisfies me, what my kicks are, to take the form of immaculate and unquestionable goodness. i prefer the monstrous above the angelic any day, this is an easy choice for me, it sounds so counterculture but complacency and stagnation really scare me. but thats my very worry, that i'm just stagnant and not doing anything! GETTING SOMETHING DONE IS DIFFERENT THAN DOING IT WELL OR RIGHT! i have to remember that, even if i'm older than accomplished artists or younger than poorly performing ones. my work still has a value even if it's not given by other people or earned by it's technical excellence. it has the value i give it. (i now realize a whole convo on curation of art could be had about this, but that's for later)

i dunno, i guess i've just been a goody-two-shoes and you haven't seen me because i've been behind the books. but next year, my books will be applied art itself. >: ) animation, to be specific. i would be more verbose and excited if i weren't so unsure of what to even do. i've been giving a big old blank check in terms of scholastic structure, subject matter, theme, and even form. it's a little too much! it's like going all the way back to free-period highschool where the most i had to worry about was who thought i looked uncool. (b*tch my taxes, credit and biological health are immaculate succcccccc on that) back to a mindset where i have room to sort of... dream.

the world has not been conducive for dreaming in lately. it's been getting me down. finding something or some way to do something about the principals behind every action is my goal. exclusivity, extremism, high-contrast and binary (either-or) thinking are all extremely damaging when they're the only reasoning tools in your toolkit. whether it's some external zealot, or your father who refuses to change his mind, exclusivity and the stubbornness that comes along with it can be serious roadblocks. for the longest time, i've treaded my schoolwork and hobbies as different, thinking i had to exclusively do schoolwork in order to be successful and maximize my time and attention. but my schoolwork was about making art, it was about learning the skills that i hoped to take forwards to make my hobby into a craft and living. i was studying to enrich the art that i had stopped making. i had not integrated any of my learning into what i actually did. i didn't use compositional forces to call attention to certain features that highlighted a theme, i just tried to draw a funny expression. i didn't have a theme i could focus my art around. doodles turned even... doodle-ier. i lost sight of what kind of art i wanted to make, the purpose behind creating anything in the first place. when other themes, points and ideas take precedence (like during school) other ideas, points and concepts are put to the back burner, and after a couple years of doing just that, they become framed in your own mind as not as important. making art while going through turmoil is something i don't have a lot of experience in; i usually make character-based vignettes about my personal emotions, instead of actually addressing the forces or experiences i'm coming up against through my art. maybe it's time to address some things.

i want to make art about real positive existence. not just tolerance. not just liking something on principal. not just a cool idea. something you can come back to. something with replay value. something that you can put down and pick up years later and get a whole new experience from. there's more to this list, but i'll add to it as i grow. this is honestly a new and difficult process, thinking for myself about what i like myself, what i want myself and how i want to go about it all.