Hey ther- wait, I already said that in the title...
Hello! It's been 2 months since the last "Life Update" journal I did, I like writing these because it makes me feel more connected to my watchers and it's when I can open myself to you and share how things have been with me and things around my life. Specially since I feel I have been so closed this year, I feel like I have lots of things to tell you, but I don't even know from where to start, and what I should tell you or not... Well, let's start this already.
Yes, I have been closed, I have been feeling closed. Lately, I'm not very talkative with my friends and people I know, I have not been very close to some people I wanted to be close to and talk everyday and I felt bad about it, I still do. It's like something that eats you from the inside...
I often wish that I could have more time each day, that I could say hi and have a nice conversation with some of my friends, that I could make them closer to me, to make their day nicer or to at least don't make them think bad of me, as if I was some kind of celebrity, or that "time has changed me". No, I'm still the same guy from 3 years go, when I started all of this and wanted to get better at art. What changed was everything around me, or at least that's what I like to believe.
For example, I can't join some chats anymore without getting harassed or drawing attention to myself, I'm not a fan of that, it feels shallow most of the time, I like to think of me as someone as normal and common as the people around me when I'm talking to them... but I already got used to that and it takes time for people to calm down... I admit that it's nice to have your work recognized and to be appreciated by someone you didn't even know before, I don't take that for granted.
That's one of the reasons why I closed my self, to avoid harass, trouble, to forget about the things I would need to face. It was also to help me focus more on my work, more on what I do and make that connection I have with art stronger, like it was in the beginning. I caught myself looking at past artworks and telling to my self: "I should really go back to drawing more like this." and similar stuff.
If I ever made you feel like you aren't worth my time, I'm sorry for that, I never wanted it to be that way, I do appreciate every comment and every good feeling towards me or my work, you have no idea how much that is special to me.
I closed my self almost in a self-defense instinct, I needed time for myself, I was getting crazy, thinking how big all this became, how I had expectations to meet, invisible deadlines to deliver a comic page, even the behaviour when meeting a new fan. I felt like if I spent my time replying and caring too much, I would eventually run out of time for myself, and I feel like that's what happened in the last year.
Sometimes I forget that everyone I spoke to have their own lives, with problems and things to do, to worry about. That includes myself, sometimes I forget about my own problems and that I have a life to manage, friends to talk to, things to do that aren't related to art in any way. But even the friend management and life routine were looking like some kind of a recharge mechanism for the art making, as if they were working in favor of the job and not the other way around, where art making was supposed to be relaxing and to provide the money so I could have a better and happier life.
My head feels like it's going to explode at some days, there are times where it's impossible to manage stress. There are times when I feel worthless because I couldn't find time to make art, and if I did, and wasted on playing a game instead, I feel like it's irresponsible and that makes me a bad person. But I'm just spitting my thoughts at this point... let me refocus.
Well, being "closed" actually helped me a bit with the stress, I stopped caring about mean comments and critics, I started planning on using art as a form to escape reality again, it feels like it's something I lost some time ago. I got to play Pokémon Alpha Sapphire a lot and got so invested in it that I'm close to completing the Pokedex a second time, it started as some kind of OCD thing where I must own every pokemon in the pokedex entries, like... that's something that, a year ago I would thought that only someone that has no social life would do, because it takes a long fucking time, but I'm doing it right now and it felt right, it feels right. The only explanation I came for this is that I'm really in a self-defense state, where burying myself in a portable game and spending my time there was healthier than what I used to do before. After I realized that, I knew I needed do something to change it... to have an attitude and make something new, change my routine. I guess that's part of the idea from where multi streaming with my boyfriend and trying to build a routine like this, came from.
I must admit I was afraid of my health, I was afraid of going to the hospital one day and finding out I have a disease, I was afraid of the future, I was afraid of going out and looking at people in the eye, so they wouldn't judge me for living the way I live, or at least I wouldn't know if they looked if I didn't look back. I was even afraid of getting diagnosed with clynical depression. I still am afraid of all these things. I feel like they're my monsters, and I hope they don't last long, and that I find ways to fight them back.
Sometimes I remember of Pewdiepie, or J.K. Rowling and the way they dealt with fame, I feel like I understand them too well, it ends up feeling weird, because my notoriety is nothing compared to what these two achieved (specially because I don't have the benefit of being a millionaire to compensate) but I can't avoid but to relate to them. I've watched Felix for a long time and I noticed his changes, and how time and popularity could affect him negatively, and his ironic approaches to almost everything is like a way to relieve stress, take everything less seriously and then what was huge and heavy suddenly feels smaller and lighter, easier to handle. I also watched a few interviews of J.K. some time ago and, I don't know, I could relate to her mind, that's what I would describe. If you have the time, after you read this journal you can watch the same documentary I watched, I feel like it's something that will definitely add a feeling to your life shakes head I don't know, just wanted to share https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrJiAG8GmnQ
Sorry that this ended up being a way more personal journal than I imagined in the beginning. But I like to think that this is the place where I can vent out, even that I know it's public and a lot of people will be reading this... I must free myself of these fears and just do what I love doing, do what I want to do. sigh
Ok now getting back to the "physical realm" haha, I'm still living by myself, at the age of 20, my dad comes to visit me a few times in the week. And at some weekends I go with my sister to her friend's little meetings, where I can feel I have another group of friends, even though they don't know a thing about me, only that I'm the "little brother" and that we laugh. But I'm good with that... I don't feel judged there, I feel normal, there is no hype, there is no "trying to be good friends with me" vibe, there is no big expectations, I feel like it's a healthy thing to be there and counterbalance a bit of what my social life has being in the last two years.
For example, you might have noticed I made a triple auction recently. Well, that was very, very stressful to deal with, I kept thinking of what people could think of me for doing that while my commissions were closed, while I still had comic pages to deliver, etc ,etc... and there goes my head again, about to explode. My boyfriend helps me a lot when I'm like this, I have to thank him for that. But it took me a while to realize that those sketches were made when I was in a good mood, they weren't requested by anyone or made as a commission to anyone, it wasn't even expected of me to be sketching those, and... it felt good for once, that I didn't need to meet anyone's expectations but my own, and have fun while drawing them.
Talking about comic pages, I must say that they are still coming out slowly. I had a bit of a crisis in one of the pages, and ugh, it feels really bad when I feel like I'm not going to meet that expectation (and that's only about the graphic part of it, since the story is already been written in stone). Again I must thank my boyfriend mytigertail for helping me with color choices and design alterations, and also my friend Harzy for making me feel safe by checking and correcting the english grammar, as you may have noticed, it's not my first language.
I feel like this journal ended up darker than I thought it should, but if anything, that's a reflection of my mind state lately, I apologize for that! I also noticed a lack of smiley cute faces, that's odd. But oh well.
See you guys again in another time! I'll try to reply the comments in this journal because I like keeping in touch when I write these, like I mentioned. And well, have a good day/night!