So, uh

I guess here's a rant journal coming in. Or not? Well, I'm just kind of desperate. And I also hope I can get all the translations right in this one.

I've been at my university, studying art for about 2 years now. The rules are pretty simple, you go there, have your basic studies for 4 semesters and after those, you get to chose your main studies, which will include certain subjects that other people with other studies don't have. And also, it's being written on your certificate after you finsihed all of it. You can choose from fashion design, industrial design, illustration design, photo, film-tv design and computer, videogame and animation design.

When I decided to attend this university, I already knew that I wanted to take on the videogame-studies. It was technically the only university around that I could go to that offered something videogame-development-related. I knew that I wanted to work in the game industry later, my dream was to become a concept artist or something similar, but in the end it didn't really matter to me what kind of job I'd be doing, wether it'd be what I just mentioned, 3D-animaton, programming or whatever. Heck, I'd even be fine with sorting documents as long as I'd be part of a company that made videogames!

The thing is, over the past year, especially autumn/winter, I've been more and more getting the feeling that I'm basically not good enough to be a concept artist. I mean it the way I say it, I've been playing all kinds of games over the years and I've seen the concept art for all of them (because I'm really interested in all this behind-the-scenes-crap) and I don't know... I've just had the feeling that what I made wasn't really what those people were looking for after all.

I am terribly afraid of any sort of rejection and loss, so I didn't really have to courage to ask other people who know me, my art and the ideas of concept art enough to tell me if what I make was actually suited for a job like this. I was having a pretty bad down-time because of this and some other things, but as the new year came and progressed I somehow managed to cope with it. I still feel a little lost in life because of it, but I'm fine like this, it's nothing I'd start whining about. It's just the way it turned out to be and I guess I just have to try to look for something else.

This was actually a reason for me to wonder if it was actually good if I still chose the animation studies to be my main studies if I wasn't really able (or let's say... "mentally capable") to try to get a job in this industry. But I decided that there was more to all of this than just the concept art-thing, so I wanted to learn a lot about the topic anyway and decided I'd stay with it. BUT THEN! Recently in our 3D-class, I found myself near the edge of desperation.

I've been having this class for 3 semesters now and been always pretty good with 3D-modeling as we learned it, it was the most basic stuff you coud think of, but what I did was looking okay. Now we got ourselves a new lecturer that teached us stuff in a different way, I just-... We started modeling figures, characters i.e., AND I'M NOT EVEN ABLE TO MODEL A FUCKING SEAL!!! I mean, really?? It's making me mad and sad at the same time. The seal I'm doing for this class is a joke, and if it didn't already LOOK rediculous, YOU SHOULD SEE IT MOVING SOME OF IT'S LIMBS. IT'S AN ABOMINATION.

I know this shouldn't bother me so much, but I'm looking at what all the people are making, some of them from my semester, some of them from the internet, and there are people that just look at this programme and do TEH MAGIKZ and I'm just sitting there, close to tears because nothing will look the way I want it to. I also can't go back to the start to correct my mistakes because we have to finish this whole thing in a few weeks and it took us so freaking long to get where we are already, I don't even REMEMBER how we made all this! It just makes me want to sit in a corner and cry.

This is one of the things that made me think that maybe these main studies aren't really something I can get used to if I already start messing up these little tasks. Then again, a friend told me she talked to somebody who just started their main studies in photo and film-tv and she said that they're starting from scratch with most of the stuff they already did in their previous semesters, so I don't know, maybe it'll be the same with the animation studies? I really don't know, I don't even know what lecturer we'll get, so I can't go and ask somebody.

But wait, there's more!

When we finished all of our 9 semesters, we have to take a diploma exam, which is basically about you thinking of a new product and selling it. I wasn't told about it when I signed up, I wasn't told about it when I applied, it was only told me when my studies were already going, so I was like "Uuuh... Okay then?" and thought about it for a while. After realising that I'm uncreative as fuck (well, duh) I decided that I want to sell my Silent Hunters comic (which I didn't continue in ages, but story is still in my head and being developed and all. You can see what I did so far here: [link]) and I'm actually pretty confident that I can do it. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that I heard from somewhere around that whatever our diploma will be about, it has to have something to do with what our main studies will be, so meaning if I decided to take my 3D studies, I couldn't use my comic as a topic for my diploma. I could, of course, try to turn it into a videogame, but I'm pretty sure that'd take just as much time and thought about all of that as it did for the comic until now. (8 fucking years. :I)

SO I DON'T KNOW!! I know that *HallowGazer is also using one of his mangas as a topic for his diploma, but he chose the illustration studies and now I'm not even so sure anymore if it'd be a good idae to be choosing the 3D studies if I want to use a comic for my diploma.

AND I'M NOT EVEN DONE YET!!! THE GREATEST THING HAPPENED JUST THIS WEEK!

When we were having our Film+TV-class this week, I was working on an After Effects-animation because that's what we're supposed to do for these semesters finals. So I was just sitting there, doing my stuff, until I had to ask my lecturer a question, so he came over, explained to me what I wanted to know, had a brief look at what I was doing there and then asked me what studies I wanted to choose later because it seemed to him that I was having fun with animating stuff and that maybe I wanted to choose the film-tv studies. :I

I mean, really, lecturer? REALLY?? AS IF I HAVEN'T BEEN THINKING ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT ENOUGH LATELY ASSDFGHJKLÖ!! :iconfliptableplz:

So, really, I don't know at all what I'm supposed to do... Within the next 2 months I have to come up with a solution to all this. I don't know what I want to do after university anymore, I don't know what would be the best studies for me to choose, dear god, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!

I don't even know what I wanted to achieve with this journal entry, it's just that this has been weighing on my chest for quite a while now and I can't really talk about it with my therapist because she won't even let me get past all this "I think my art sucks too much for what I want to do later"-part lol

I know that probably nobody is going to read this, but in case you did, bless you. You're amazing. <3