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Spectrum: Red Vs. Blue by LaurenRivers (critique requested)

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Short Stories « Older Spectrum Spectrum: Rhythm and Hues Newer »

Spectrum: Red Vs. Blue (critique requested)

LaurenRivers

Summary - Several months after the events of part 1, the resistance has gotten their hands on something that could forever alter the flow of history in this part of the country. Meanwhile Kelvrin and the others seek to restore Blue to her original self before it's too late...

Starring:
Lauren Rivers, aka Blue. laurenrivers
Susanna Carver, aka Red.

Fritz Jansen, resistance soldier paulshep
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3660899

Sabah Alev, resistance soldier. MrBitchin
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2217492/

Emmy, resistance member. emmyskunk
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2695602/

Kazerthan Zeal, Resistance Leader kazer
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2569661/

Kelvrin Firkin, Scientist, Blue’s programmer. kelvrin
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3052248

Nexii Vanadis, resistance member nexii_vanadis
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1745174/

Murdock, Lead Villain ladysin
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3756058

Pete, Operator for Indigo, Red, Green, Yellow, Orange, and Violet. skunkman001
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2040710/

Richard Haskell, Soldier Thronezwei
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2963655/

Guest Stars
Teric as Operator of Independence Radio teric

Lyndon Brennan, USM

General Richard Renard, Fort Rukario nerdytigerfox nerdytigerfox

Deceased Characters

Violet Star as Lead Enemy Soldier. violetneko
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3873376

Submission Information

Views:
630
Comments:
3
Favorites:
1
Rating:
General
Category:
Literary / Story

Tags

Comments

  • Link

    Velantian

    Simplify, for instance the first line:
    Alarm klaxons rang loudly all over the facility as chaos rolled through the halls \
    how about
    Klaxons rang out. Chaos rolled through the facility.

    And later on:

    *Lyndon nodded in agreement to the general. “Yes, sir.” The elephant walked off to get a cup of coffee, and the fox was left to examine the virtual model they had built of the country. *

    to:

    Lyndon nodded to the general, "Yes sir." The elephant left the fox alone to examine the model.

    • Link

      LaurenRivers

      Yeah, this is an older story of mine, before my big break, and if I get the chance I may or may not edit it, but I appreciate the feedback! I know that I tend to be wordy, and I was recently told I can be formal, so I'm trying to make my writing more edgy and less formal. Perhaps you'd like to take a look at my recent work, I just posted a new piece, brand new since I started writing again.