So as some of you may know, I don't have a great relationship with my father.

Tw: alcoholism, drugs, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, anxiety, depression,

When I was younger he was addicted to drugs as well as an alcoholic, and into my lateter childhood contined to be an alcoholic. We had a massive falling out when I was in middle school, because he tried to just come back into my life like nothing happened. Like I hadn't spent a large point of my childhood wondering where he was when he would dissappear for days, like he hadn't stumbled home drunk that one night and broken things, getting violent and my mother hadn't moved herself and me to my aunts house for a few weeks because she just honestly didn't know if it was safe for us.
Like I hadn't seen him put his hands on my mother. Like he didn't regularly verbally abuse her in front of me well into my early teens. Like he didn't emotionally abuse me.

So naturally, being a hurt and already rebellious teenager, I retaliated when he tried to take authority over me.
Now that I'm older, our relationship is still rocky. I try harder than he does. I get my hopes up a lot, but he's selfish and almost always let's me down. I won't ever forgive him for how he tore my family apart, but I keep stupidly trying to have a normal father child relationship with him. I get my hopes up and he continues to let me down. Everything is on his terms, when he feels like it. When I try to make plans to just spend time with him he blows me off, or reschedules until I give up.

I won't say it's the only reason, but my relationship with my father is defiantly a major contributor to my depression and anxiety. I developed an anxiety disorder when I was about ten or younger, I didn't know exactly how to express it back then, but looking back I know I've had an anxiety disorder for years. Which I feel has a large part to do with that.

A few weeks ago I heard All Time Low's new-ish song Missing You and for some reason it really made think about how I am never going to put my child through anything like that. My child is not going to, into adulthood, wonder if care about them. My future children are never going to have to wonder "where's daddy?" Because I've been missing for three days. My kids aren't going to have to question if I care about them.

This art isn't my best work but it wasn't meant to be a full pice, I intended to rush it a bit.