Time to Think

I woke up this morning with my lover, Max Velik, at my side. He was a black wolf, a little bit younger than me. He had blue eyes, and he was very cuddly. Well, that's how I'd put it. He's always given me awesome cuddles when I was feeling down. Anyway, this morning started like any other.

"Morning Vexy!" He chirped with his charming smile.

"M-morning..." I groaned. I hate being woke up on Saturdays, I really, really do.

"C'mon, we got stuff to do today!" Max jumped up and went to his closet, picking out his usual slutty outfit. Pink shirt, short shorts with matching arm and leg warmers. Yeah...I didn't really have much of an opinion of it. He usually took his clothes off anyway. I feel like a hypocrite when I say that I'm not really into sexy things anymore. You know, like the unmentionable stuff. I never did tell him though, it might have hurt his infectious enthusiasm. That was what I liked most about him. It's not his horniness or his sexiness, it was his enthusiasm.

"Whyyyyyyy?" I moaned.

"We got visitors today."

"Who?"

"You'll see!"

I sighed and heaved the covers off my naked body. Being a bear-fox, clothes were out of the question when sleeping due to my thick fur. I pulled on a clean pair of boxers and sighed sadly. Max's ears perked up and he leapt on the bed, next to me, trapping me in a tight hug.

"What's wrong, babe?" I hadn't the heart to tell him, but I felt depressed, like I needed space. I know it's awful, and I should burn in eternal fire, et cetera, but I did need space. Like, a town or two. Why? I'm a horrible person. I need time alone a lot more than most people. I wasn't used to this level of affection, and it really unsettled me. I simply stood up and put on my jeans, a green shirt, and my DCs. The shoes meant a lot to me, as they've been nothing but good to me for all the time I've owned them. But enough about them, this is about me, and why I'm horrible. I turned around to the sweet wolf, and said coldly.

"I need space." The wolf's face dropped, and I could tell he was upset. I just walked out of the room and grabbed my car keys, clicking a small button on the fob and leaving our small farmhouse, in the middle of nowhere. That's another thing. He really wanted to live here, in the middle of nowhere, but I felt stifled. Trapped. I couldn't take it. I made frequent trips to the big cities like Frisco and places like that, just for the vibrancy of the cities. My God, how I loved city life. Max doesn't. I respected that, but I couldn't follow his reasoning. I opened the door to my old blue Suzuki Jimny. God, that was a respectable, reliable car. I got in, and turned the ignition, sparking the tiny engine to life. I reversed out of the driveway, and I caught Max's sad blue eyes looking at me from the second floor window. That cut me deep. This wasn't his fault. He deserves better than me. That was the only thought circling in my head as I drove down the road, the opposite way of San Fransisco. I had a different destination in mind.

I turned on the radio, and my favourite song came on. I sighed, knowing too well, what the lyrics said. "Got shackles on, my words are tied, fear can make you compromise, lights turned up, it's hard to hide, sometimes I want to disappear..." echoed through the cabin as I sung along to it. I have no idea why I randomly sang to it. I'm not a good singer, at all. I just felt the words hit a nerve, a really sensitive one.

Trees blurred by, cities melted into farmlands, and everything in between. I finally stopped at a small cliff overlooking a large lake. I thought I'd stop there, take a breather. I stopped the 4x4 and got out, moving to the cliff edge. Not to worry, I wasn't thinking about jumping. Anyway, I sat on a rock and reflected on why I felt this way.

Ever since I was a cub, I always wanted the best, and anything else was unquestionably unacceptable. I hated it, but it was a base element of how I functioned. The same applies to mates. I wanted the best. Charming, funny, attractive, and I briefly felt like I had that in Max, but then I saw other people’s mates. I felt jealous, and to see all my amazing, funny, sexy bros get paired off without a hitch to equally attractive furs, it cut me deep. I mean, even my biggest bro got an impressive mate, and I got this sex-crazed wolf, who doesn’t understand the concept of privacy. I found it charming at first, even adorable, but then it started to grate. I started taking trips to San Fran, maybe even a bit further south, for days at a time. To make up the money to stay in the hotels, I took up jobs washing other people’s cars, delivering papers, things furs my age should be above doing, but where was I going to get a proper job with my credentials? That doesn’t matter, what matters is that I needed space, so I stayed away for days at a time. Everytime I came home, I found Max, waiting for me, wearing a smile and nothing else.

I sighed and slipped my shoes off, scraping my socked paws along the gravel. It felt good, I guess. Feeling the air sweep across me so high up. I looked at my toes, curling and flexing them, as I wondered why I felt so unhappy with Max. He was more than everything I asked for, but what was missing? A very short time ago, I saw pictures of some really attractive furs. And I gasped. These guys were gods among furs, and I had Max. Sweet, kind, and not the most attractive. Hate me, despise me, whatever, but Max said it himself. I felt awful, thinking such awful things about someone who loved me so much, but I had to.

I’m a shallow bastard.

That was the root of my problem, and the reason for my self-loathing all this time. I’m shallow. I held back tears as I realised the reason I was tempted to walk away from a perfect relationship was that Max wasn’t comparable to a model. That cut me deep. I loved him, but I couldn’t feel physically attracted to him. He feels more like a bro at times, one who liked sex. A plane flew overhead as I realised the gravity of the situation. I was throwing my life away simply because Max wasn’t sexy enough. I’d become what I hated most. That, my friends, was when I was tempted to jump. No-one’d find me out here, at least for a few weeks. A small blue SUV was not hard to miss abandoned by the roadside in the Californian landscape. The only person that’d miss me was Max, and even then, he’ll move on to better people than me. That’s another thing I loved about him; his modesty. If there was anyone who was more humble and down-to-earth, I haven’t found them. He always hated how he was, well, bigger than other guys. I didn’t mind, I said to him. I said.

I daren’t hurt his feelings, he loved me so much, I had to sugarcoat all I had to say. I didn’t want to offend him, the only guy who was interested in going out with me, ever since we were introduced by a mutual friend of ours. He loved me from the start. I don’t see why, I’m hardly a catch. Sure, I can write good stories (apparently) and (apparently) I’m smart, but those were just things people said to me. Hollow compliments, as far as I can tell. I just wanna know what Max sees in me. If anything, it’s infuriating how he constantly says I’m perfect.

Bullshit.

I swear, I insult people, I hit some of my friends for fun. I’m chubby, anti-social, awkward, and clumsy. Christ alive, am I clumsy. That’s another thing, whenever I say this, Max just says I’m perfect for him. Yeah, for you perhaps, but like I said, I have standards, and I, as a person, do not reach them. I wouldn’t date me. I talk to myself, I daydream a lot, and I’m hopelessly wasting our money on crap we don’t even need. But he still loves me.

Hang on a minute…

That’s when the penny dropped. He loves me, like I should love him. Unconditionally, and damn it, I’m gonna love him like he loves me. I slipped my shoes on and wandered to the 4x4, getting in and driving back home, to our desolate farmhouse. I got out, and wandered upstairs, looking for my expectant boyfriend. I only found a note on our bed;

Vexy,

You said you needed space, you got it. I’ll be in town. At the club.

Max V.

I sighed and fell onto the bed, more than upset at how I’d felt about Max all this time, and now I’ve only gone and really upset him. ‘I need space’. What in the hell was I thinking? I lied there, pondering what to do when he gets back, when I realised, I needed to go and see him. I got in the jeep and drove to the club, some 4 miles away. It was closed.

“Of all the-“ I spluttered as I looked around. It was the only club in town, so why was it shut, when Max said he’d be here? I pulled at the door handle like a helpless puppy, when it swung open, to the darkened form of the main room of the club. I couldn’t see anything, but I wandered in, hoping I hadn’t missed him.

The lights flooded the room all too suddenly as I spied all my ‘family’, who I held so dearly, on the dancefloor. They all looked at me with blank faces. “Guys? W-what are you playing at?” I whined. Just then, Max wandered out, and every single one of them shouted out,

SURPRISE!

I couldn’t do anything except blink idly in confusion. “What the-?” I was interrupted by my amazing boyfriend Max Velik kissing me passionately, and I returned the kiss as cheers erupted around me.

We all partied into the night as I realised, I didn’t need to keep looking for the perfect boyfriend, because the perfect boyfriend had found me, two days after February.

By Vortex Slatefang.