There are so many nights I just lay awake and think and think about things that worries me. All from family, work, illness and so on. I am way to afraid to tell my mom about those thoughts, I am afraid to worry her for no reason.
So much have been going on in these last months and i force myself to get up in the morning, fake smile, pretend to be happy, and when people ask how its going to me I just I am fine just a little tired with a smile.
Ever since school I felt forced to be someone else just to blend in with others. I then spent a couple of years just to find myself again to again meet a teacher who told me to change for the sake of my class mates. Why? I was to honest when I gave the other crits on their work when they asked for a honest opinion. I had a breakdown and moved back home.

But just back home I just hear one of my aunts rant on why I cant be like her son who is also the same age as me and went to the same class as him.
I have given up telling her why because she wont listen. I am not a man, I am a woman, him and me have two diffrent personality and diffrent way of thinking and seeing the world. He already knew what he wanted to be when he grew up, I was never sure.
Even when I am not going for a goal I hear people talk bad about me and how stupid I was for study art and not study for a real job. I just wanted to learn more about art and learn how to draw, meet diffrent people. And when I now try and fix some of my mistakes and choose to study to work in office and stores, it seems things wont change.
Even how many times I asks for jobs and sends them paper it gets thrown away and they keep calling one of my cousins who is far to busy being a fulltime student of she want to work at the stores for a few days. She keep teling them I dont have any fulltime work and have worked stores before I know what to do. nothing. Only way to get money support is to work free in a thrift store.
I try my best to live in this town I both love and hate. Thinking about my future, will I continue to live in my town or will I have it better moving somewhere else and get work? Will there be more then epilepsy ruining my life or will another illness haunting both of my parents bloodlines come haunt me?

Sorry for this little rant/vent, you're free to ignore. I just needed to let out a bit.