Me by SF

Me

SF

27 June 2013 at 14:13:38 MDT

This piece is by Keihound, who was incredibly sweet and understanding concerning its premise. She's a great person who does great art and you should go commission her.

I should explain: This is not my typical gender presentation. I was raised a male, and was never very good at looking the part. I had a girl voice through puberty, baby-faced features, and tiny a-cup breasts (which I didn't really notice until recently because I was fat through most of my childhood). I tended to have likes and mannerisms more stereotypically suited to a female tomboy than the heteronormative male I was expected to be. For years I suppressed my natural tendencies, wore baggy and nondescript clothing, and seethed every time I looked in the mirror.

I would fantasize about tearing my face off the bones and stomping on the pieces. I would immediately feel guilty looking at such a scene through my mind's eye, imagining that someone's face, something so integral to them, was being so ruined and disrespected. No part of that empathy was due to the fact it was my own face. I still don't know how to interpret that.

Having a fursona acted as a small respite from this. It was an appearance that was so unlike what I saw myself as that it was as if I could receive a body transplant that left my brain intact. Over time, my involvement in the furry community acted as a gateway to bisexuality, which in turn introduced me to the concept of boys who present themselves femininely by choice, which introduced me to crossdressing, which introduced me to the idea that gender expression is malleable, and that your genitals don't exclusively determine your identity.

As an aside; I know that we as a group try to shun the adult side of the fandom, but I honestly consider it to be one of our primary strengths. Having such a progressive and sex positive community has taught me so much about myself and the world, and my story is not uncommon. It seems like every couple months I meet someone else who only really found their sexual identity after realizing that the plastic pornography industry is not the only game in town.

I can be a girl with a penis here. People are fine with that. People like it. They like it in such a way that it's not shunted off into the dark realm of "fetish" and left to be forgotten when the sun rises.

Understanding this turned my world upside down. I'd suddenly taken the Red Pill and realized that the things I was told were factual laws of nature were simply constructs of a system no one questions, because it's all they know.

I may not look this good yet. I may not look this good ever. Getting such a late start on shaping my body is going to work against me every step of the way. I have a target now though, and I know that if I achieve it, I will be happy.

In this regard, I'm actually better off than most people.

Comments

  • Link

    I see your Matrix reference and raise you one 'Down the rabbit hole we go' which in retrospect is a double-entendre I perhaps did not want to make on such a serious piece as this. That said I forgot how aptly that scene fits your identity reorientation. (Or perhaps you smashed the gyroscope and abandoned the concept of orientation).

    "Congratulations" seems like an inappropriate, or at least cliche euphemism. I'm happy for you, that's certain. And your new 'sona is sexy ;D

    And how can you be called late for dinner when you're always the one making it? ;P

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      Thank you! I'll make sure that there's lots more art of her to come.

      Innuendo is appropriate. I'm still an horndog.

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    so is this a real life goal?

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      Yeah. I'm going to try living as a girl as soon as I can consistently maintain my voice in direct conversation. I'm already in girl mode most of the time at home/in bed.

      Better to start the clock ticking sooner than later anyway. They won't give you hormones unless you've been fully committed for a year.

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        Well...there's always black-market drugs from Mexico... :3

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          I'd like bigger tits, but not as much as I like no clots in my blood.

          (And in case you were joking, you'd be amazed how many trans people self-medicate with black/grey-market drugs. Money and depression and social conservatism drive people to them in truly depressing numbers)

      • Link

        oh, do you plan on keeping your bits and pieces or remove those too?

        I've heard of so many guys in the furry world wanting sex change, or operation or something to become more girlier.

        it's cool we have these possibilities.

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          Keeping them! They're so practical! May as well have my cake and eat it too.

          Notice the subtle rounding that the shading implies on the panties :3

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          By the way if you were still wanting to do that drawing with my character in it I'd prefer if you'd use this new version of her. No worries if you decided against it after all though, either!

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    No, I have a rough idea. Perhaps it was a bit dark of a joke to make.

  • Link

    Dear god I love the way your mind works. I feel you entirely on everything you said. Furry was not just my gateway to bisexuality, but to sex-positivity in general. And I never want to look back.

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      Now you're just trying to make me blush~

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        Well I do have a thing for blushing. >.> But I promise, I have no ulterior motives! This one time. <.<

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    Now you're just trying to make me blush~

    • Link

      We need deleting comments stat. I don't like the idea of FA almost kind of sort of having a feature this place doesn't.