I’m lost.

Adrift in this ocean of unknown, I’ve cast off for shores uncertain. The coast I clung to for years is vanishing into the distance. My supplies are finite, save for the fish I will catch. My craft is solid, sturdy enough to withstand a storm. Equipped with the tools I need to navigate, they would be so much more useful if I had a destination in mind.

Of course, I feel free. Terrified, yet free. My fears crawl across my brain in the quiet moments, where it is just the waves and the winds to fill my ears. I long for a task, a purpose, something to quiet those thoughts. Perhaps I will adjust the sails once more or consult my location. These are the actions that have no purpose, for there is no end point in sight.

Where there is no fear, regret creeps in to fill the void of emotions. I could have taken a very different path. I might have scaled much more lofty mountains. Success would have been mine, had I chose to focus. Regret gets beaten back with memories of happiness, to my relief. Joyful times that I would not have experienced had I chosen another path. Regret washes away quickly.

Memories. I must be careful to recall my good memories and not create a sense of nostalgia. A wise person once said to me that nostalgia is but toothless memories. I crave real experiences, not a theme park of sentiment. If I did, I wouldn’t be floating out here, destination unknown. I make memories, not wallow in an imagined past.

I study my fur in the sun. I count my scars. I measure my grey patches. These are the marks of time. I am no young cub. No starry-eyed adolescent or newly-minted young adult any longer, I marvel at and curse my ultimate journey. I tell myself it doesn’t matter, but it does. Wisdom seems to be out of reach while ambition is tempered by my remaining days. It does not inform my destination any more than the sky-high hopes of my childhood.

My boat is my refuge, but it is the ocean that carries me. I face my fears and drown my regret by giving myself to the sea. Leaving my sanctuary from time to time, I dive underwater and thrill at being but a single creature in such a vast place. The ocean terrifies me as much as it calms me. I swim beneath its surface to take refuge and know my mortality at the same time.

But I am not solitary. It is here that I see you with me, swimming alongside. We take part in our silent ballet of wordless conversation. Alone in a sea of vast unknown, it is here that I know things will be better. By your side, I know you will be there when we make that distant landfall. You’ve given me the strength to make this journey and you feed me the strength to push on. Your patience and your love move me beyond whatever trade winds billow in my sails.

For this, I am beyond grateful.