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Asterismos : Numinous by Rowedahelicon

Asterismos : Numinous

Rowedahelicon

Numinous

(adj) describing an experience that makes you fearful yet fascinated, awed yet attracted -- the powerful, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired.

I am a very nervous, cautious person. I second guess everything, be it what I want to do today, to what to eat for lunch, who to talk to first, anything really. I think too much about what every little action has on the grand scheme of what is going on around me. Everything down to how much time I spend with a certain friend or two per day makes me stress , hoping I'm not leaving anyone out.

So it should only make sense that love is such a disaster in my life. I don't really have any long term goals or aspirations. No dreams, no wants, no real desires other than to be loved. To me, being loved is the greatest thing a person can be with another. The very idea that someone in your life desperately needs you to exist is overwhelmingly romantic and inspiring. I've suffered depression for a long long time, but nothing has ever made he happier than being with someone.

Of course, it doesn't really work out. I've had many relationships come and go, each time one fails I learn from it, take away something to improve on or maybe something new I like to look for in a person. I don't often feel regret or despair when one fails because I know if it was going to work out, it would have.

That being said, my last relationship had a much different impact on me. This one was different, was special. This person I was with, I had been friends with for a very very long time. He always had a thing for me, and I did for him, but I never went with it because I kept insisting to both him and myself that it would never work out. I think that was a big mistake on my end, I feel that part of why he wanted me was only because I told him no.

Eventually, we did get together, this was the second time we were together. The first time, a mutual friend had us split up because said friend wanted a chance with him, and was upset at me for getting to him first. It wound up having a big strain on all of our friendships. But yes, eventually, we did get back together. And let me tell you, I was never happier. I felt overjoyed, inspired, and most importantly, loved. I felt like this man was it. This man here waited so long to have me, he must have really cared. He must be really interested.

And I did genuinely feel it, we were together for a few months ; I loved every single minute of it. I did have my thoughts in my head, that he was only interested in me because he couldn't have me, or perhaps maybe I wasn't good enough for him. I tried my best to suppress those thoughts and it worked for the most part. But then ... he broke up with me. The reason wasn't clear at first, it wouldn't be for a long time after, even now it still really isn't that clear.

Suffice to say, I was a wreck. I had never felt so broken before, so rejected. Everything to me felt like a lie. I hated him, I said all these mean awful things about him. I hated myself. I tried to hurt myself and more. It was a very bad time for me, and it still doesn't quite feel over. It's been almost a year now, and I've counted every day, felt the pain still every day. I never want to go through anything like I did then again. Which is where I am now.

Right now, I can tell I've gotten a lot worse off. I don't do much to socialize anymore, I've strayed away from a lot of my friends. I don't really have much of a good outlook anymore. It's hard to be aware of this, I sometimes feel like I'm merely observing myself plunge worse off while sitting here and taking notes on it. If I tried to write this last night for example, you would get a very different perspective. Right now though, I feel fine.

As far as what all this has to do with the description. I am in a spot now where I know I should be moving on. I know that not everyone out in the world is out to hurt me, and I know I'm not totally unlovable, that maybe there is some redeeming feature about me that will eventually make someone cling to my heart and never let go. But right now it is very difficult to see that.

I do have someone right now, for the most part. They are very supportive of me and understanding, but it's very difficult for me to believe it. I don't trust them, I keep thinking it's only a ruse and that they're going to turn around and leave me behind. I am also aware of how self-destructive this is. But what am I to do? I don't want anyone anymore, love to me now doesn't mean anything. If someone who has been with me for a long time can up and turn tail, anyone could.

This experience, all of it, has made me fearful yet fascinated. Awed, yet attracted. I am overwhelmed with despair, but inspired to move on and get better. I don't want to give up, but I am not alive. I will come back from this, eventually.

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