"Procrastinating. I feel like I do it more so than I should. I feel like something has been put on pause for too long. Time goes by quickly when you don't pay attention. Life just flies right by as you remain still. I feel like I'm standing still, letting the wind of life pass by me. I don't move at all - no change from me to try to attempt to grasp a bit of life before me. At the end of the day, you feel like you accomplished nothing and you wasted an entire day of your life.

I sit at my desk. Once was the focus of my attention and the center of creativity is now cluttered with trash and distracting objects. My college degree, framed nicely upon my wall, now collects dust and fades in the shadow of my desk light. My billboard, what was once organized with things I need to do and inspiring images, now cluttered with party adds and life distracting concepts and trash. In front of me is my drawing stand with a piece of drawing paper mounted to it. The paper is blank - no marks or writings or concepts from my imagination are present on it. I sit there, staring at it.

My mind wonders as I stare deep at that piece of paper: What should I draw on it? What should I write on it? What creative idea would flow onto that blank slate and transform into a work of art? A pencil rests in my hand as I explore for ideas like a speeding train. After a long time, when hours seem like seconds now, my pencil never touched the paper before me. It remains an undisturbed white void or emptiness.

I find myself going into dazes and my train of thoughts slowly comes to a halt. My fingers play with the pencil and my body faces away from my desk. My eyes catch my video game system that sits on the corner of my desk, but I fight the temptation to waste time playing it. My soda is empty, but I refuse to get up to get another. My phone rings, reminding me that a party that my friend wants me to go to. I ignore it and let it ring itself out. Today was a day dedicated for me to create something - to create an idea or story that will slowly transform into a large artistic project for me. For long time I've been an artist without a creative project. My portfolio in my desk collects dust, still filled with the old "failing" works from my past. No illustration in there is worth the time for anyone to look at. My art resume ends with a job I did a year ago.

I look at my degree on my wall. I read it over and over in my head. It congratulates me for graduating art college, leaving me with proof - signed and stamped by the college - that I studied in the fine arts and is qualified to get a good paying job in the artistic field. That was 7 year ago. Small events happened during those 7 years that made me feel proud of myself, but only small ones. I still remain with a part-time customer service job to pay my rent, and my small independent 'job' as a freelance illustrator to pay for food. All of my other graduates have full time jobs in the field of art and design. I'm the only one from that class that remains lost and without motivation, leaving me to feel like a failure to my major and my college.

I question myself if the path I'm on a 'normal' one; if anyone has gone through or is even on the same path in life as me. I ask myself if I'm really a loser for being where I am today while everyone else 'looks' like they are on easy street; making a lot of money and fame for what they fully enjoy doing. Will I be on the same I'm on path years from now? Will my degree find itself in my trash bin, forgotten and broken? Will I continue to go down an 'artist's path' at all?

I stare back at the blank paper in front of me. I feel it mocking me for procrastinating and having little to no motivation to do anything useful. My pencil still remains in my hand. A part of me refuses to drop it or put it away. So, I will continue to find an idea, a concept, an artistic thought, anything to fill that piece of paper in front of me, no matter how long it takes. A battle between me and that piece of paper: that's all that motivates me now..."