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Jon Mahon Chronicles by NovaSquirrel


"Hey Mahon! None of that, please!"

"Of course they don't approve of Jon Mahon. Nobody does"

"I want to meet this Jon Mahon"

"Jon Mahon! You need to get your picture taken!"

"Why are your wearing Jon Mahon's clothes?"

"I *HATE* Jon Mahon!"

"I saw Jon Mahon texting in the hall"

Exactly who is Jon Mahon? He is an 8th grader at kHawk Middleschool. During lunch period, he often misbehaves, so the lunch supervisor person, Mrs. Heckstall, would loudly call his name. Soon after, I started imitating her, shouting "JONNN MAHOOON!!" during class, on the bus, and even at home. Somewhere in late 2009 he went to Michigan for awhile, but he was back after Christmas break.

In 2017 he was elected president of the USA. He made farting illegal. However, after many years of pro-farting organizations making complaints, he made farting legal again. He went into hiding with Osama bin Laden because everyone hated him.

Osama was killed in May 2011 and it was all Obama's fault, but he was remade as an awesome cyborg and went into hiding again with Jon.

By 2030 the two grew so close to eachother that they married and Jon decided to be a terrorist just like his friend. They lead attacks that were so terrible that the United States recruited together a special force called the "JON MAHON SPECIAL OPERATIONS", or "JMSO" for short, that would try to deal with the problem and put a stop to it. The JMSO never actually did anything because everyone that was picked for the team was mentally retarded.

Nuclear specialist Alex was like "screw this" and tried to kill Jon with a nuke, and to everyone's surprise it worked. Everything seemed peaceful again, but in three years Osama, missing his husband, had Jon made into a cyborg just like him, except 9,000,000,000 times stronger. Jon started wrecking towns again. He farted on the White House, killing millions.

JMSO was getting absolutely nowhere, and Alex doubted another nuke would help, so three awesome people named Bill decided to team up and form the Billy Alliance to try and stop him: Billy Mays, Bill Gates, and Bill Nye. It was an awesome team: Bill Nye had lots of science knowledge, Bill Gates had lots of money to spend to fund Bill Nye's research, and Billy Mays could sell just about anything to just about anyone.

Bill Nye invented lots of different products that would be just perfect for taking out a plain old HUMAN like Jon used to be, but Jon was a giant cyborg now. His favorite was a version of Mighty Putty that emitted toxic fumes when someone tried to use it, suffocating them. He called it Suicide Putty.

Eventually, Bill Nye figured that the only thing strong enough to destroy Jon was a black hole. He'd need the Large Hadron Collider, but how would he get a hold of that? He researched some more and discovered that he could build a mini, portable version that he could take with him to whereever Jon was going to attack next.

He called it the "Big City Collider Station" and it looked a lot like the Grater Plater. Some retard from JMSO put it in with all the Grater Platers and Billy Mays accidentally ended up selling it to Al-Qaeda, who then used it to destroy Africa and half of Canada. The Billy Alliance was thrown in jail for supplying terrorists with lethal weapons, which was actually pretty dumb since they were the only people trying to stop Jon who were actually competent.

Bill Nye had some Suicide Putty with him, so he had Billy Mays sell it to the guards and say it was just Mighty Putty. This worked very well; the guards were now dead and the Billy Alliance got out with no effort at all.

Bill Nye invented a new product called Hercules Urine next. If you sprayed it on someone they'd instantly get huge muscles and be super strong, but they still wouldn't be strong enough to take out Jon. In fact, some guy from JMSO gave the entire supply to the Al-Qaeda.

If Bill Nye couldn't destroy Jon he could at least hide from Jon. He went back to researching and found that Jon had a weakness to areas full of poop, so in 2064 he invented a super-advanced human-size hamster ball for surviving in the sewers and saving the human race from Jon's destruction. It was found to save only 99.999% of the people who tried it, so the 0.001% complained so much that Congress banned the product, saying the JMSO could take care of things.

In 2070, some dude got sick with the Billy Mays YTP Flu and it spread like wildfire. It was hoped that Jon Mahon would catch it, but they had not read about its symptoms first before infecting him. As a result, Jon was able to destroy cities with laser rockets shot out of his nipples at random. Almost dead hookers were also found in Jon's bathroom and he had really weird diahrea that changed from green to red. A few people also got sent to Jupiter for some reason.

  • to be continued -


Hobby: Being annoying

Wants to be a: Purple gangster

Can't stand: People saying his name all the time

Favorite color: Orange (Suggested by E.T., by the way)

Favorite food: Mold

Favorite school subject: Gym

Date of birth: 2368 A.D.

Disliked by: Billy Mays, Kool Aid Man, and pretty much everyone

Liked by: His mom, Mrs. Heckstall, Mr. Mathias

Occupation: Rolling around in the floor and eating the mold in people's showers

Jon Mahon Chronicles


Submission Information

Literary / Story