Ragnarok [Poem] by Mourne (critique requested)

Ragnarok

When the stars cease to turn,
And the roiling seas begin to burn;

When a stricken god bleeds,
And the world fills with evil deeds;

When the days turn red,
And the sick are left to die in bed;

When the nights freeze through,
And reluctant swords march forth to hew:

Beware the many, trust but a few,
Guard well the treasure I gave to you.

When the frightened souls raise an angry cry,
And charge ever forward in their need to die;

When the storm-clouds darkest begin to brew,
And the craven's falsest words ring true;

When the wise are led,
And the faintest glimpse of hope is dead:

Remember me. Remember you.
Remember what you swore you'd do.

Ragnarok [Poem] (critique requested)

Mourne

11 February 2019 at 13:06:15 MST

An updated version of Dark Times. I wasn't quite happy with the original; it seemed to climax too quickly. You've got to make room for that mounting sense of dread!

At any rate, subjectively I think this is an improvement.

Submission Information

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Category:
Literary / Poetry / Lyrics

Comments

  • Link

    And us wolves eat the sun; don't forget that part. ;3

    Since you've got the crit flag set, I'll mention I couldn't get the line about the sick dying to flow properly. Something about the hard upward sounds in 'sick' and 'die', I think.

    That aside, though, I like it, and agree it's probably stronger than the original. Nicely done. ^^

    • Link

      Well, see, that bit is a translation error. The original Norse legends held that the sun and moon would be eaten by a giant pomeranian. True facts!

      Thanks for the feedback on the rhythm. This poem is just a perennial struggle. I feel like there's something interesting at the core of it, if I can just excavate if from behind my own clumsiness with words and lack of familiarity with the theory behind proper poetry. Maybe what we need is Ragnarok 2: The Re-Armageddoning.

      • Link

        Drat, I knew there was a reason I should have been a Pomeranian... Guess I'll just have to settle for eating the Pomeranian instead!

        And yeah, I've never been very good at the theory side of poetry either.