I always beat up poor Darikey when I’m upset…

Duty section today was sort of okay. I never enjoy my Duty days to be honest, they put a damper on my mood because I feel so restricted. I

can’t leave base, I can’t wear Civilian clothes, I have musters during the day for some odd reason an we never know what we are going to do. People don’t want to show up on time for muster. It’s all very annoying and just gives me a bad start to a day so for anyone I was rude to or just snapped at for whatever reason I do apologize.

Here’s a fun fact: Sometimes I get upset, and I don’t know why I’m upset. I just am. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. It could happen when I’m alone, or when I’m with other people. I try not to get upset, I try to stay happy and cheerful and mindful of those around me who do not want to see me upset, but I can’t always do this. I can’t always “stay happy.” I sometimes feel like I’m melting into a puddle and I just want to let it happen because later on I feel better.

I don’t know what triggers this feeling, it just happens. Sometimes I believe it is because I am alone, physically, and my emotions cater to my physical state because my personality is a torn thing, split in two. I honestly do fit the state of a Gemini, two within one. I cannot help that sometimes I want to be alone, and sometime I do not. I cannot help that one minute I am happy, the next I am angry or sad. Talkitive and then silent. It happens and there’s nothing I can generally do about it. I haven’t ha to fake what I’m not feeling for a long time, so I can’t do it now. I can try but I doubt I would succeed.

Some people see through my facade as I try to make them happier or just try to keep them from worrying about me. Why I do this? I don’t know… I was raised that way. I raised myself to take care of others first, to not worry about myself until others are okay. This probably wasn’t the best thing to learn, but it could potentially be a good thing in the fact that I do care about others. I care about them a lot. Earlier today I saw a post that so clearly defined how I raised myself, and I had an epiphany that this was in fact exactly how I grew up. No one taught me what a relationship was like, no one explained to me how friends work, I relied so heavily on an imagination, a world of make believe and fantasy and that’s okay, but I wish someone had told me what it was like to have a best friend so that when I fought with mine, I would understand that it was okay, that I wasn’t going to lose her or feel angry later.

There are a few things though, that I’m glad I wasn’t explained. I am very glad no one told me what love felt like. Because I wanted to experience that myself, what true undying love is, a love so much that you couldn’t care if the world was falling to pieces as long as you had that person by you… I feel so much love for Reece, and I really hope my stupid dumb self doesn’t do something retarded… I am so wound up over my parent’s situation and how not only do I know, but my even my grandmother knows that there is no saving my parent’s relationship and it’s so strange to realize how hurt my father is over it and it just fucking hurts.

I have been dumb and retarded this past week. I have been snippy and unruly, uppity and snarky and I apologize if I have offended, angered, or treated anyone in a way I should not have. I apologize for being so off from my normal tracks. I know better than that, but sometimes we all need a break from life and the people we see that we just can’t handle at the time for whatever reason. Sometimes we get scared and we can’t handle what is going on, so we flip out and we freak out and we draw back inside ourselves and hiss and snap at those we love. However this shows us later when we calm down who is really there for us. We can’t always realize we did something, but when the dust settles and you see someone you cared about gone, you just sit there and accept the fact that you have to let go. If they come back, then they come back. That is why I’m not so torn up about my best friend leaving me, (or as she will tell you, I leaving her. However this was not my intention at all. I needed a break from seeing her around. I needed a quiet place without her for a while because I was much too snarky).

I know who is still here, and I am so very grateful for them. I wish I could explain all I do in my life to some of you, because I want to know you better and understand you and be friends, but I can’t because I don’t like to be open. I can’t because I’m afraid I’ll hurt you or myself. I do understand that I am probably being dumb about that. I opened up easily for someone already and in literally no time I had given in to what I could only grasp with four small letters. I let that person inside so quickly, let them see not only me, but this thing I call my head space. I trust him so much, love him so much, that I understand. I cannot express in my words or my even my art I believe how much I love him…

Today, my muscles felt like bones.

Weighing me down to the floor.

They ache and pain something terrible,

The slightest touch to my bone-muscles,

Would send me melting to the floor.