Firr Commission Story

The TV advertisements were so cheesy and obnoxious, everyone in the state knew about them. “We’re giving you a pouchfull of savings! We’re hoping mad and slashing prices! We’ll put some junk in that trunk, and we’re just a hop, skip, and jump away! Come on down for the best deals!” Krazy Kangaroo Used Kars had been a local fixture for years. So when Kit and Firr heard they were looking for people to work as their new mascots, it seemed only appropriate they at least check it out. Even if they didn’t take the job it would be fun to see such a strange dealership.

“Why do you think they need new mascots?” Firr asked, his skunk tail swishing just above the sidewalk. “They already have those balloon animal mascots, the Krazy Kangaroos. Do you think something happened?”

Kit just shrugged and kept walking. “No idea. But maybe if the pay is good, we could give it a shot. Who says the Krazy Kangaroos can’t be a Krazy Skunk or a Krazy Fox?”

Firr didn’t have an answer for that, although the name of the dealership did seem to put that possibility out of the question. The pair only realized they were getting close to the lot based on the frequency of signs they passed. “Bouncy Business Ahead!” “Sale!” “Huge Savings!” “Hopping Mad Sale!” On a few of the signs was a picture of the Krazy Kangaroos, two marsupials with exaggerated cartoon proportions in purple and orange. They seemed to be giving a thumbs up or a wink in most pictures, generally being cute and cartoony. He had to admit, they were pretty cute.

Once they finally reached the lot, they were greeted with long rows of cars and a small building toward the very back. Kit looked over the cars as they passed by, wondering just where the Krazy Kangaroo mascot costumes might be. He saw off to the side two large, inflatable kangaroos and a large puncture wound in each of them. That would explain their need for new mascots; couldn’t keep the Krazy Kangaroos if their old inflatables were no good.

“Howdy!” an overly friendly voice said as Firr put his hand on the entrance to the dealership.

“Ack!” the skunk cried, jumping back. He turned to face the owner of the voice, heart still pounding from the surprise. It was a kangaroo, wearing a pinstriped orange and purple suit. His fur was grey and white, and right below his snout was a handlebar mustache far too large for it to be natural. Not to mention the way his hair was slicked back looked like he must’ve used an entire tub of hair gel to get it to stay that way. It was the gaudiest, sleaziest display he’d ever been forced to look at; his eyes felt sore just thinking about it.

“Sorry about that friend, didn’t mean to scare ya. How can I help y’all?” the kangaroo asked.

“Uhh. Hey there. Is this where we come for auditions? We heard you needed-”

“Oh, the mascots! Great great, come right in, make yourselves at home. I’ll be right back to interview you two for the spots!” the kangaroo said, steamrolling right over Firr’s words. He practically pushed the skunk and fox straight through the front door, before hopping off behind a doorway marked ‘Employees Only.’ Kit and Firr could only look at each other, confused by the turn of events. Seconds later the roo returned carrying a clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other.

Pulling up a chair and motioning to two others for them to sit, the marsupial asked, “So, why don’t you two tell me about yourselves?”

Kit squinted his eyes at the grey kangaroo. “Say, haven’t we met before? You seem awfully familiar.”

“Nope!” the kangaroo said, denying the claim a little too forcefully. He readjusted the mustache that seemed to be coming loose from his face. “Think I’d remember the two of you. Now don’t worry about that, let’s just get to know each other, and why you want to be our mascots here at Krazy Kangaroo Used Kars.”

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Less than half an hour later, Firr and Kit walked out the front doors of the building with New Employee Orientation forms in hand. They hadn’t really meant to be pushed into this quite so easily but the roo was so aggressive that they could hardly say no. Every time they tried to explain that they were only partially interested in the positions, just for fun or maybe as part-timers, the marsupial owner laughed them off and talk more about getting them started right away. And so now here they were, walking away from the car dealership with a job they hadn’t expected to get, or even really wanted that badly.

“So, that was… odd,” Kit said, flipping through the papers in hand.

“Yeah, what was that all about? The owner could barely wait to get us on board. You think they’re that desperate now that the old mascots’ balloons are broken?”

Kit just shrugged. “Who knows. But it’s not all that bad I suppose. We get to be the new mascots, right? Wonder when they’ll make up new balloons of a skunk and fox.”

Firr was just about to respond when his foot caught on something, sending the skunk tumbling forward face first. He landed against the pavement of the parking lot with a yelp, rolling over to rub his sore nose. That didn’t feel good at all… just what had he tripped over anyway? He looked around the street to find whatever caused him to fall and found nothing. Just a flat parking lot, with rows of cars. Not even a single pebble caught his eye.

That was of course, until he looked at his feet. His bloated, strangely shiny feet.

Kit noticed them too as he bent down to get a closer look. “Woah. What’s wrong with your feet?” The fox reached forward to poke at his paws, completely burst loose from the shoes Firr had worn in. The skunk’s toes squished inward under his touch, while the rest of his foot expanded slightly to contain the displaced air. Kit’s eyes widened when he saw them deform that way. It almost looked like a balloon. In fact, based on the way Firr’s toes squeaked when he stopped touching them it definitely looked like a balloon.

“That’s not normal,” Firr stated matter-of-factly. From his seated position he could see that the change was confined to just his feet. That was a blessing at least. Was it an allergic reaction of some kind? He should probably head to a hospital to get these feet checked out. Something about them didn’t quite remind him of skunk feet anymore. If he squinted they almost looked like kangaroo paws.

With a hissing sound Firr watched as his feet slowly expanded outward, longer and wider. In the span of just a few seconds his feet went from ‘a little weird looking’ to ‘surfboard sized and impossible to walk on.’ His toes merged together to form cartoonish stompers, and a painted on pattern of paw pads emerged on their bottoms. He was only able to tell that happened thanks to the see-through nature of the balloon material.

Firr looked up at Kit with fear in his eyes. “Could you go get a car please? I’m not gonna be able to walk with these.”

“But we walked here, how am I supposed to get a car?” Kit asked, looking around for anything that might work.

“We’re at a car outlet. Maybe the owner will let us borrow one. Just go already. This feels weird.”

“Alright, if you say so. Try not to float away while I’m gone,” Kit said with a snicker.

“Not the best time, dude.”

“Oh come on, we both knew you were full of hot air. Now it’s just more obvious.”

“KIT!”

The fox snickered and walked away. He knew not to push his luck with teasing. Squeak… squeak… wait, what was that squeaking sound. He turned around to see what Firr was doing to make that noise, but Firr didn’t seem to be doing anything out of the ordinary. With a shrug Kit began walking again, only to find the sound came back. A sinking feeling lodged itself in the fox’s stomach. He looked down, though he already knew what he’d find. At the end of his legs were orange, translucent kangaroo paws. They were steadily growing outward just like Firr’s.

“FIRR, it’s happening to me too! What do we do?” Kit cried. He didn’t dare take another step and trip over himself; it would be like trying to maneuver a small sofa at the end of his legs. But Firr seemed to be having troubles of his own. The swishing skunk tail on his rump was slowly coming to a stop as a spreading surface of shiny rubber covered it from tip to tail base. Skunk tails already had plenty of heft and fluff, but what happened to Firr’s tail put that to shame. It creaked with the effort of inflating as it thickened, lengthened outward twice as large. Then three times as large.

If getting to his feet again was hard before when his paws transformed, now it was downright impossible. The lack of a tail with any weight threw Firr’s center of balance off too much. Leaning backward into his own tail felt a bit like using an especially comfortable loveseat. Small benefits from a strange situation. The rubber from his balloonification spread over his back and hips where it met the spreading corruption of his legs. The shape of his haunches warped wherever the rubber touched. Rubber squeaked as it tightened up, looking more like a cartoon kangaroo’s legs with rounded haunches and long paws. Not an unpleasant feelings; more like the sensation of having a leg fall asleep, prickling pins and needles cascading up as the fur was converted. Cold comfort to Firr and Kit though. They were plenty worried about it.

Once the part that was ballooned reached halfway up Firr’s torso he could actually feel the increase in pressure, internally pushing his body larger. With a sudden boom of expansion the skunk was jettisoned upward on top of his rump. He’d expanded so suddenly he bounced on the ground. He felt the pavement squish into his rubberized hide. Around his stomach was a thin line traced into the translucent rubber like it was painted on. Firr realized it was meant to be a kangaroo’s pouch. Nevermind the fact he was a guy, it was cartoony and it bothered him to imagine it being there on his body.

“Kit, we gotta get rolling out of here! I can’t work my legs anymore,” he said, trying to use whatever was left of his weight to flop forward. It didn’t work. The inertia needed to push himself forward just wasn’t there anymore; he didn’t weigh enough.

“I know, I know. I’m trying to hop-,” Kit grumbled. His muzzle fwoomped out just as he left the ground, changing his center of balance. He tumbled forward and landed on his face. His nose squeaked like a pool toy when it deformed against the ground. It jutted out several feet in front of his face, wide and long enough for Kit to place a hand against the top of it and still not cover it all. He rubbed it, expecting his muzzle to be tender but it only squeaked lightly under the pads of his hand.

“ ‘dats a weerb feeling,” Kit tried to say, sounding a bit like he had a stuffy nose. The rest of his torso fwoomped to match Firr’s for size, if not for color. Kit kept the orange of his fur while Firr looked purple as he transformed. There was something familiar about the colors. They were turning into purple and orange kangaroo balloons… then it hit him. Kit realized suddenly why this was happening. The mascots of this used car dealership were purple and orange kangaroos!

“Mascots. We’re ‘durnin into mascots!” Kit cried, trying to get Firr’s attention. It might not stop their transformation but at least they knew what was happening.

Unfortunately the realization was lost over the sound of squeaking rubber and stretching balloons. That was all Firr could hear, although he wasn’t quite sure why. Furrowing his brows the skunk reached a hand up to his ears and felt rubber. He leaned forward as best he could to take a look in the reflection of a car’s hood. It looked a bit like using a fun house mirror, but did the trick to confirm Firr’s suspicion. His ears were enormous, comically oversized on his tiny head, and inflated to a kangaroo’s shape. If he could still move them, they’d be flattened out against his head. The skunk tried to roll himself forward, pushing his dwindling mass against the ground to no avail. He was completely stuck in his seated position for better or worse.

Firr’s fingers tingled suddenly, right at the spot he’d been touching his ears. Looking down at his hand Firr watched his digits puff up like they were long balloons attached to a hose. He yelped as they fattened, thickening until each finger was pressed into its neighbor. They combined into a single mitt just as the rest of his palm puffed into an unusable balloon hand. Whimpering, he recognized that the last options of movement were gone now. He’d hoped if he rolled forward he could use his hands to crawl or drag himself. But now his left hand was totally unusable, and he could hear a gentle hissing sound coming from the rest of his arm, and his right hand too. They were slowly being corrupted.

“Sorry Kit, but this doesn’t look so good for us,” Firr whimpered. He turned to look at his buddy just in time to watch the last of the changes taking place. Kit was floating a few inches off the ground now, and his whole head had been kangaroo-ified. The fox’s concerned expression was plastered over now with a painted on, smiling face. The whole of Kit’s torso was inflated, and now with only his arms left normal there wasn’t enough weight to keep him pinned to the ground. He pinwheeled his arms, still clearly cognizant of what was happening even though his head was air-filled. Firr wasn’t sure if he should be happy or worried that he would still be conscious when his transformation finished. With a cartoony fwoomp air filled Kit’s arms to the elbow, then up to his wrists. The kangaroo balloon rotated freely in the air now that it wasn’t on the ground, setting itself upright. A final puff was all it took to fill Kit’s hands and the changes were done. The blue, flame-patterned shirt he usually wore was stretched tight over the kangaroo’s shoulders. It only survived the transformation because it was unbuttoned, letting it stretch over the kangaroo’s balloonified body. The white shirt underneath that hadn’t fared so well; it was ripped straight up the middle, lying on the pavement below in tatters.

While Firr was distracted by his friend’s transformation he’d neglected the changes to his own body. A tingling sensation traveled up his neck and toward his chin. Firr’s eyes widened as he for one last time attempted to move. But there was nothing left to move; only his head had been spared. He could watch the ground gently fall away from under him, floating up inch by inch. Panic took control as he yelled for someone, anyone to go get help. But when the tingling sensation of inflation and losing his fur traveled up behind his head, Firr found it harder to care about that. It was kinda nice now that he stopped and let it happen. His head filled with air and that seemed to make all other problems feel less important. He could just relax and float, enjoy the feeling of air filling each inch of his hollowed out body. Being a kangaroo mascot might not be all that bad after all. He still had his green vest on, and he wasn’t going to be gone or anything. Just changed. That seemed like a pretty good deal. When his muzzle popped forward into the same painted, smiling expression Kit had, it wasn’t fake.

Further away, a kangaroo picked up the ‘Mascots Needed’ sign and carried it toward the building. He paused to look up at the balloons floating peacefully a few feet off the ground. He’d need to tie them down to something soon or risk them flying away entirely. After all the trouble he’d gone to making some new inflatable mascots that wouldn’t do at all.

He untied the ropes around his old, broken balloons and brought them to tie up the legs of Firr and Kit. The roo nodded, satisfied they wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon with one end attached to his mascots and the other to a car’s bumper. A light breeze set the balloons swaying back and forth, arms spread wide with huge cheesy smiles.

“I’ll need to get signs made up that they can hold, but that should do for now,” Alkali said, removing fake mustache from his face. He tussled his hair to get rid of the styling gel before giving up and just putting his hat back on. “That was much easier than I expected. And cheaper too. Should’ve thought of this years ago.”

“Best advertising strategy yet,” he chuckled to himself, walking back into the car dealership with the mascots wanted sign in hand.