Hey, just wanted to give a little update to this.

for starters, i hope everyone had a good Christmas. mine was really nice. got a lot of things i really wanted, and there is lots of fun to be had. so overall, on of the best Christmases so far.

as for how i am doing...the depression and negative emotions are still here. in fact they are a bit worse. the treatment is going good, and the people there say that sometimes things get a little worse before they start to improve. so i am hopeful for the future. tho right now it is kinda hard to do things. i have been feeling a lot of sadness, jealousy and worry the past few weeks. i have become very withdrawn. i get all upset when i see others doing better then me, especially friends. and the lack of any response from one of my other friends has caused me to worry that something might have happened between us. overall, its been really hard logging on each day to all my sites as it seems that each day i get all worked up over stuff that i shouldn't. i know all these feelings i have aren't really how i ACTUALLY feel. its just the issues i have been facing that make me feel this way. but still, i do feel like i have let a lot of my friends down, especially those who are closest to me. i feel like i am being unfair with these feeling clouding my vision of out friendships, and it eats me up. i just want everyone i am close too to know that i really do appreciate you guys, and that these feelings don't reflect how i actually think of you. so with that, take care.

i kinda want to take some time to address something that i have been going through for a while. recently, i have been in what i have coined as limbo. for those who don't talk to me much, i have been battling Depression, anxiety, and anger issues for most of my life. however, i do my best to keep these issues out of my online life, as i really can't stand conflict that comes with them. however, lately, my issues have been a mix of good and bad. i have become a lot more stable in my life right now. my issues used to be all over the place, and it would cause extreme reactions on my end that made my life a real mess. however, lately my issues have sorta equalized, so i am a lot more calm and mellow, and i don't have as many extreme reactions.

however, that being said, the "limbo" is right now i am in a place where i am unable to progress with my life. while my issues are less extreme, they are hindering me more then ever before. my depression and anxiety have gotten me to a point where i am simply unable to do anything regarding working towards my future. i simply just don't have any confidence in myself to do so. i am so fearful of what i might mess up, it has become impossible to move forward at all. my anger has also come back with vengeance. when its not making me get angry at the ones i live most (for no reason i might add), it is torturing me by turning small, meaningless things into HUGE weights on me. i have found recently i am getting REALLY jealous of people and friends, when i didn't used to before. i see people and friends succeeding and doing well, and i get angry that i haven't been able to do the same. this has caused some friction between me and those people, mainly on my end. it has caused a fight with a dear friend of mine, and it has made it hard to talk with them. it has nothing to do with them, as they are one of the nicest and coolest people i know, so they have done nothing wrong. its all on my end. and its been eating my alive ever since the fight, as i don't want to feel this way towards them, but i can't do anything not too. the friend who i mentioned probably knows who they are, so if you are reading this, just know that i do care for you a ton. you have done nothing wrong, and i don't want you to stress over this. this is just a phase i am going through, and i am working to get it resolved to make things right again. please, just know that no matter what you do, you will always be my friend, so don't think this torture i am going through means anything is wrong between us.

anyway, these issues have made my life atm very hard. each day i feel some sort of pain. me and my family are working towards getting this fixed. we are seeking a new treatment to help with it, and i am hopeful. however, i just wanted to make this journal to let everyone know how i am doing, and to possible explain how i have acted lately. even tho i show almost none of this online, it has been bugging me for a while. i just want to get this out there to let all of my friends and fans know that if i do something that seems out of character, then this is probably why.

please, don't worry for me. don't feel sorry for me. right now my life is the best it has been in a while. i am just facing new issues as old ones resolve, much like all my life before. this is just the next challenge i need to take. it will be over eventually, and things will return to their happy normal ways. i want you all to know over everything else is i am doing my best to fight these issues, and that i WILL overcome them.

so with that, take care.
~Tony