I took me not even 3 minutes to upload my first submission here. 3 minutes. Yesterday on FA I rewrote post after post and hit submit button after submit button, all day, just to post a few journals and that same image. The site has not stayed online long enough for me to accomplish a damn thing on it since I tried to start caring about it again a few days ago and that on top of the meddlesome nature of their users and staff forced my hand. I'm here now, and only here or on sites on similar or better quality. Because until people quit, neither will that site and its bullshit, and even then it's probably a lost cause. This account has been sitting idle and barren since I started it, because like many, I was clinging to FA for dear life. You know what it's come to resemble? Clinging to a dead friend or relative. Literally. Like they have died in your arms and you just don't accept they're dead yet.

That's whatever fond memories I had for that community. Ironically, they suspended my account because they thought I was suicidal. They thought that because "friends" caused drama and interfered in my life, again. This time is the last time. They went too far. They went too far when they tried to turn my other friends against me just because I was disgusted at the way they handled Red and Milo. What the hell kind of friend are you to me or them?

You don't get it. Those events didn't make me suicidal. They were a wakeup call. But one of those friends, she did make me suicidal, for a very brief episode. And when I snapped out of it is when I realized people like her, and the way I cling to people like her which itself is for the sake of that community, that's been the bane of my existence since I joined. She, like a few others, purposely tried to use Red Savage against me, purposely tried to drive a wedge between me and Red's other friends, and in her screwed up mind probably thinks Red is the one telling her to act like this.

Red told me to just accept my feelings, draw some fucking pictures of her, write some letters to/about her if it will help me keep her in spirit, and because it's what I've intended to do since day one, day zero, whatever you want to call it. She told me to try to make things right with my family because they're there, they're real, and most of these people aren't. She told me I barely owe her a damn thing and owe these other people not one iota of my time, patience or empathy if all they are going to do is throw it back in my face.

I can't get over the fact the person making my life most difficult right now, even more than my parents, thinks she loves me, thinks Red is her spirit guide now, thinks she cares so much about this community and keeping Red's spirit alive and all she has done is dishonor her, me, her friends, that community. But Red only ever did two things that inspired me that I look back on now with doubt. One was encouraging me to hold out hope on reconciling with a similarly false friend from the past, which it turns out she most likely lied to me about when she said he didn't seem to still have a grudge. The other was caring so much about FA. If she were here now, she would abide any of this bullshit? Are you kidding me?

There was a period where I felt like I had to prove something to someone. But I mainly wanted to prove things to myself when I rejoined FAF. What fate itself ended up proving to me was that, no matter what anyone says, does, or tries to do to weave this conspiratorial narrative about me being a menace to the fandom and Red Savage not being my friend, not a damn bit of it ever does anything but backfire on them. If you've ever seen a rap battle where someone gets booed off stage for calling out the wrong person's name to dis somebody, that's literally what happened to the guy who said Red knew I was a piece of shit. And this other "friend" has been losing respect from her friends since even before the events, but this, I think, was probably a killing blow for some of them.

I have friends now who, like me, get incredibly, righteously pissed when "friends" act like they. They believe in me. Red was one of the first of those new friends when we started talking. I missed friends like that, not just her. Christ, missing them so bad was what drew me and her together, we were both literal, walking broken hearts, over things like losing friends, family, self-confidence, self-reliance. We wanted, and fought for, our lives, literally in some very real ways. I still believe she was and is a victor, where it truly counts, and that I am one too.

Let me tell you, finally, the secret about me and Red Savage, why our friendship was different. Many people mourning her needed her, bad. She knew I didn't need her that bad. She came to me originally feeling like she was the one in need, when she was going by CoyoteCaliente. My true feelings about myself and why I was so angry were a complete shock to her, when I told her in that first serious conversation we had. I think she literally might have cried a bit, based on what she told me in her response. Sometimes you just know. A person words things a certain way, the timing of their response compared to how they normally respond. I felt that before she even finished typing her response. And she appreciated me, all the more I think, because I didn't try to monopolize her the way some of her friends did. She would feel a bit guilty if I obviously missed her company but she was busy or tired and couldn't really get to me and, for her, even when it did frustrate me a bit I held my tongue because of how good she had been to me for each and every day we were friends. I gave her space when she needed space. I won't lie, I cry sometimes when I think just how much space I gave her, especially when part of me began to worry she'd forget about me once she became happier and more popular.

She even somehow knew that and, long story short, dragged me into roleplaying with her even though I was hesitant to because of how that's played a role in ruining some of my friendships with people. It was a really special RP. It wasn't even all that sexual, though she had to leave part way through so I don't know where she would have taken things eventually, but at that point I knew once and for all just how tight we were. Nothing would have ruined our friendship because nothing was going to ruin us as individuals. Ever again. I don't think that's the message she intended for me, I think she just probably wanted to finally see if the dreaded buff wolf is as good at delivering as he is spitting game and flexing his muscles and just wanted to build up to it slowly because it's always more romantic that way and we're both romantics, to put it very mildly. But I wouldn't have gone through with it if I didn't know. I didn't even address those concerns to her because they were gone by then.

Why, why, did I give her space and cling so hard to people who purposely want to ruin my life? That's another thing. I don't psychoanalyze myself as much these days. I don't know the answer there and I really don't care much because the question answers itself, just don't do it anymore. Weasyl was part of Red's life too but, like with Red herself, it's not even really loyalty I need to stick around, it's the lack of inherent problems in just existing with the thing/person.

Thanks for suspending me, FA "friends", you did help, just not in the way you probably planned.