To set things right...

Yes, I made it back home to Seattle.
And yes, I decided I wanted to try to get my second chance here...

I figured it was a much better environment for me, and for those I have cared about, especially Mixy.

So it breaks my heart to hear he is not doing well.
I just want him to be happy... That is all I EVER wanted.

But to read this:
I can't.. I can't stand me. My heart's hurt and it's difficult to fix without bleeding out.. It's a mess and it's been this way for so long.. Since it was shattered by another's neglect.

Simply breaks my heart.

Am I that other person, whom he claims neglected him??

I came back to Seattle, thinking that if I were to have a chance to make things right, I would need to prepare a place where he would be safe to "come home" to.

He broke up with me. It was he who ended something I was trying so hard to save.

If he were to ask me, right now, or tomorrow even, to drop the Swiftclaw name and become Drako Tags again - I would do it in a hearbeat.
I feel much more comfortable as a Tags, not a Swiftclaw.

I just wish he could feel well enough, loved enough, to come home. To find his happiness at least.
Because I NEVER stopped caring, and I NEVER stopped loving him.

But I do need to set the record straight, by starting off with a question:
Can one be neglectful of another if he does NOT know the other wants his attention?

Sure we did a lot of our own things, but I know I was always ready and willing to give him attention when he demanded it.
(Even with the times when I was working on things and couldn't, I wanted to.)

But towards the end, it was he who ended up either too busy chatting on his laptop or playing his games to even so much as give me a hug when I got home from work.

The last week before our move south, he was on his laptop the entire time we were at my moms, and I was being the social one.
I felt neglected myself, because I was trying to get his attention, but not getting it at all.

I started to feel like something was seriously wrong between us, with his lack of attentiveness to me... and I began trying so hard to make things right again...
That I eventually began starting fights over the lack of attention....
Which is what led to him breaking it off with me...

And all I EVER wanted to do, was to make things RIGHT again. Make things as they were more towards the beginning of our relationship.

I want to be there for him.
I want our friendship to grow.
I want him to be happy.

I wish there was more I could do now to do that, but other people got in the way, and led me to moving back home.

So my heart aches, because the one I love thinks I neglected him...When we really may have ended up neglecting each other - without even realizing it.
Becoming complacent with the idea that things between us would never change... and then things did change.

curls up in a corner and cries