I work hard. Sometimes I complain about it. But I keep working hard.

There's a part of me - a tiny voice inside me - that tells me that I CAN'T. It tells me that I'm a joke and a failure. It looks at what other people are doing and compares me to them and says, "All these people are so far ahead of you. What is the point to trying?"

Now of course, I don't REALLY have a voice in my head. It's not like a, "Timmy hears voices and they tell him to do things", type of deal. It's self doubt. I don't have a huge opinion of myself. I still think of myself as shy and awkward and wishing I could just talk to some of the people I know. Really, just sit down and have a heart to heart with them. I wish I could contact them over instant messenger and talk to them. But I don't. Sometimes that insecure part of me has it's way. Some people assume that it's because I'm too "high up" to associate with them, or that I think to highly of myself and don't think highly enough of them. But that's not true. Quite the opposite. If you are reading this, there is a very high chance that I hold you in very high regard. Higher than I hold myself. And so I don't reach out because I'm afraid of making an ass of myself and then you'll think even less of me.

Unfortunately when it comes to what I have just written, that tiny voice sometimes isn't so tiny. I put on a hat and I do work for this fandom. Sometimes that hat reads, "President of MNFurs". Sometimes that hat reads, "Hotel Liaison for Furry Migration". I hide behind those hats. I'm good at what I do for this fandom, and I do A LOT. I put in at least 20 hours of work per week bettering this fandom and the local community. I mean, I look at some of the events I help put together and the people having fun and making friends and laughing, and I tear up. Seeing people happy and knowing I helped in some way is just such a wonderful feeling. But for all that, as great as it feels to help plan and organize things that so many people love and enjoy, I just end up feeling more isolated.

I want to continue to be a better person. I want to get to know a lot of people better and to open up more often and not be stoic about things.

I need a hand.