I think the last of who I was and what I thought is finally broken. This trip, this, thing I've done over the weekend. The money it cost me to get home, to buy the suit, to be around for my former best friends wedding; that was staggering. I mean it cost way more than I ever thought it was... but that wasn't the cost that was hard for me to pay.

When your a kid, you never notice things. You never notice, that you're the only black friend. You never notice that your friendship is unique and different. This is a man whose mother was at my highschool and college graduation when he couldn't make it. The only white kid and other sixth grader on my bus, who refused to stop wearing the same smelly wolf shirt over and over. I've taken many an ass whooping to defend my friend.

I was there when that girl fooled him into paying for prom, a limo, a tux, all kinds of shit and her outfit. He'd worked at pizza hut overtime for half a year to pay for it all; just for her to say she wanted to go with him, but not be there with him. She danced and partied and went home with someone else. But Chris was always that way, women got into him, he gave them everything and they controlled him completely. I was there every time he called me, every time he needed me. Money, time, helping him bail out of jail hanging with that idiot David. I was there when he needed me from all those dumb bitches he let run him.

His last girlfriend before his new wife was a complete bitch, she's somewhere on FA and let me tell you I hated this bitches guts. She systematically replaced all his friends and put herself into a position to run his life. She eventually cheated on him online and made it official when she cheated at a con. One of those causalities of friendship was myself. A man I'd known my entire life basically, who even going to college out stat we'd still made time for each other. I'd visit and he would visit me in Chicago. Then suddenly he stopped calling, stopped answering and when he did, short answers and I got to go. I didn't realize how much control she had over him til I got home and visited his mom, who had been around me more than my mother. She wasn't happy about it either and I found out she was the reason he didn't come to my college graduation. But that was Chris being Chris with women and I figure our friendship was stronger than that. So I would just talk to him. He never had time.

When he finally got out of that relationship, that's when I found out about how she was literally keeping him away from his friends. How she was a manipulative and controlling bitch who deserved to be drowned in vat of acid. She'd been into the furry fandom, she made fur suits and got him into the fandom. Me and my best friend were both apart of this fandom and never really dealt with each other. Doesn't that sound strange. Hell my first Anthrocon he was there with a group of her friends and hadn't time for me or mine; I didn't find it strange. I was and always have been a bit naive on the concepts of friendship. Either way he told me everything after he and that girl broke up. And he apologized... problem is... damage was done.

That bond, that friendship... that was broken. It existed only in my mind and not in any practical way. Of course I didn't know it at the time. That wedge that distance had become absolute, he had that new life, those new people and everything in that direction he was going. He had a new job, was going to MSOE for engineering and correcting his life path. He met a new girl who was lovely and treated him well, adored him. I was happy as shit, she's a nice girl. The problem was, our friendship didn't really survive the last one. That wedge became a gulf and I didn't notice. I didn't notice we went from friends to people we used to know. I didn't know that, not til yesterday, not til the wedding.

I'd been given all the information and invited to the wedding. I'd spoken to both his wife and him. His mother kept me in the loop the whole way. I broke bank and drove 14 hour from Virginia to be there to support my friend. So imagine my surprise when I return to Milwaukee, to this wedding to see my best and oldest friend married; and at his wife's insistence, I'm not even a groomsman. I'm not part of the precession, I'm not anything. Even his mother had a choice look for that little surprise, I'd come all this way to sit and watch and realize; I'm a guest. Not just at the wedding, but in his life. I'm a spectator in his life, I'm not one of his friends anymore. I look around and notice for the first time, I'm the only black guy. And everyone is looking at me and thinking the same thing. I never noticed all their eyes before, all the sideways looks. That, that's something I never noticed before, or felt around him or his family.

His best man is his friend from work, his family that knows me looking at me with a mix of confusion and pity. Everyone else looks were incredulous, they don't know me and don't know why I'm there. For the first time around him and his family... I felt foreign. Like I didn't belong. Then I realized... I didn't. It was the worst feeling of my life... hands down I don't think I've ever felt so displaced. I realized in one moment that nothing was what I thought and I felt truly alone. I felt my heart break, I'd only ever felt that once before and it was anguish... pure anguish.

I realized, this is the past. These people are the past. I didn't belong there, the people I had always felt the safest and most comfortable around, I felt alien too. And I couldn't remain there. I skipped the reception and sad my goodbyes, trying my best to maintain my composure. When I began to drive away, I cried, I don't remember ever crying like that since me and Hikaru broke up. I have never hurt so bad inside and I don't think I'm ever going to truly recover. I've dealt with a lot from friends and family. I've had a whole lot of life stress... but this... this was like shattering the foundations of everything my life was built on, I'm not really sure how I'm gonna recover. But I do know, this is the last time. I'm never going back there again.