The Silence has been Necessary

I was recently speaking to a friend who feels the things I have being doing to "punish" myself for my past mistakes are not fair, especially since he feels that I was not the only one at fault for those mistakes.

Yes, it is true that I felt "backed" into a corner by the situation that led up to what happened, and what I did was reactionary to that. But, I lashed out at the wrong person, and those actions were mine - even if reactionary. What I did was wrong, and is not who I like to be seen as, because I myself do not like what I did.

But a promise was made, and I have "waited" in solitude...
But at the same time, the solitude was needed.

You see, while I despise what I did, I still ended up making a major mistake.
I failed to respect another individual, even if for the short term.

I was wrong.

I needed to learn to appreciate what I had.
I needed to learn to appreciate what is around me, and what I do have.
I needed to re-learn how to respect.
I needed to learn that there are consequences for my decisions and actions.

I needed to realize what it was I had, so that I could feel the pain of not having it.
It was the only way to really teach me to appreciate it more.
The only way to teach me the error of my ways.
The only way to show me why my past mistakes should never be repeated again.

I feared something that wasn't even real.
I got backed into a corner by those trying to feed on that fear.
And it worked...

My fears became real...
Now I understand how stupid I was.
Now I understand my mistakes.
Now I understand why it should never have happened, and why it should never happen again.

Only with the silence and the solitude have I been truly able to reflect - and truly able to learn these lessons.

I am grateful for this "punishment" - for I have learned much.

Now I only hope that my efforts to change, my efforts to improve, are noticed.

I still feel eveyone, including myself, deserves a second chance - especially if they are willing to admit they were wrong, and are willing to put out the effort to better right themselves.

Only with this solitude was I able to make that effort - to try to better right myself for the future.