I feel like the way I'm going, I'm gonna build up a reputation as the artist that's notorious for going dark for months at a time before returning with a fluctuating style and skill-set to release like two drawings, requests or otherwise, and then going dark again to repeat the process

But like, I really really wish I could stop with this being so ironically consistently inconsistent. I wake up every single morning with the thought in my mind that "Today I'm going to have something new to upload" but rarely do I ever get as far as opening up my art program of choice and make good on that little self prophecy

And while sometimes it's what I tell myself, and what I tell to others as a means of humorously and lightheartedly brushing it off, it isn't because I'm lazy, and it isn't because I'm actively procrastinating out of laziness. Fact of the matter is that I'm constantly suffering from bouts of anxiety, and to a lesser extent depression.

The anxiety is what keeps me from even trying, it's what has me shaking my head when I spy the icon for ArtRage and decide that I just don't have it in me, why should I even try if I'm never going to deliver anything worth the time I'm likely to pour into it

But when I do finally break through that anxiety, it's the depression that has be staring and scribbling on a blank canvas for two hours straight until I have to concede that I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm not inspired, I'm not enthusiastic, and if I spend any more time trying to force it, it's just going to feel more like a chore than anything to me.

I don't want it to be a chore, because when the stars align, the double rainbow forms overhead, and the enthusiasm drills its way back into my shoddy brain, I'm loving every single second I'm spending working on art stuff, there's nothing I enjoy more in the world, and I just wish it could be like that every single time I think of trying, but as it stands I can barely manage to find that perfect moment once every couple of weeks, and I have to cram as much in as I can to milk it before the anxiety sets in again.

I hate how often I've snubbed requests after actively asking for them myself, and how many I've just plain forgotten about after the anxiety has returned and I've spent the better part of a month trying to ease it in video games and Netflix. I hate myself for it every single time, and frankly I wouldn't blame anyone for writing me off after making a request and then seemingly being ignored.

If I've ever done this to you, feel free to note me once a week for half a year if you need to, because I don't want you to feel like it's anything personal, that I'm choosing to ignore you or your character, but as much as I don't want it to be matter-of-fact, it is that sometimes I just need the time to find the will to do what I love.