Those of you who have talked to me lately know that I've been extremely down and upset over things lately. It's taken me a while to decide to do it, but I'm going to explain the whole story. This is not going to be a pleasant read guys. Parts of it do go into TMI territory. It's going to be quite long, but if you truly want to know what's been bothering me, I'm hoping you will read this in its' entirety as it will probably explain a lot of things.

Anyway, here goes:

Almost ten years ago, I was living in northern California, in a town called Susanville, with my 'tribally adopted brother' Steve (who also used to be a mate of mine), in my birth mom's guesthouse. I'd been there for about half a year, but, after a massive argument with my stepfather (a man whom I never really gotten along with) I was forced to move. The two of us took a three day bus trip to a town in southern California called Cypress, where my cousin lived. This cousin is the same one who've I've mentioned last year is battling Lymphoma, though, obviously, way back then she wasn't having that problem.

Anyway, my cousin had invited me and Steve to come down to live there, because she didn't want us to end up in the streets. She didn't have the ability to allow us to stay with her, but she had a coworker of hers who knew of our situation, and had offered us a home to move to. Little did we know that this would turn out to be the biggest mistake our our lives.

We had been living there for several months, when something came up that, to this day makes no sense to me. I was approached by my cousin's coworker and told that she wanted Steve and I to move out. When I questioned why, she told me that Steve had molested one of her kids a few days prior.

Now, before I say any more, I want it completely understood that I know for a fact this is a complete and total lie. I know he did not do this, and as I explain more of this story, you'll find out why.

In being told this, I was pretty upset. Not because he might have done it, but because this accusation came out of nowhere. To the best of my knowlege, this person (whom from here on out I will just call "S") had zero issues with myself or Steve, and yet, I'm being told that it happened. I called up my cousin (whom I will call "R") and explained things to her, and she quickly rushed over. S said that her daughter had come to her telling her that Steve had done this. Needless to say, my cousin was, at that point, forced to allow me to come to her mobile home to live there. Steve was at work (at Disneyland) at the time, so, when his shift was over, R and I went to pick him up. When we had to tell him what happened, he became very upset and swore up and down that it never happened. Neither myself nor R ever believed the story in the first place, but nevertheless we were not welcome in S' house anymore.

Here's the thing that gets me. In all of this, we learned the specific date that S swears up and down this all happened. Why does it matter? Because that specific date is a date we weren't even there. The day she swears it happened, Steve and I had been away from the house, walking around Long Beach (which is where S lives) and we had been out all day that day. There was literally zero chance that Steve could have done it, and yet, despite the fact we knew that, and informed her of such, she was adamant in saying that it happened on that day. Do you see the big red flag here? It was at this point that myself and R had come to the conclusion she was doing this to get more money out of Steve and I. Steve was paying our 'rent' as I couldn't hold a job due to my disability. We believe that she knew if she tried to say it was me that did this, it would get thrown out of court because of it, so we think she pinned it on Steve because there's no way he could claim 'mental illness'. Now, we don't know for sure that's the reason, but we do suspect it.

Over the next month, Steve had taken this accusation very seriously. To the point that, in attempt to avoid any trouble, he even went to the police department and tried to explain what he was being accused of. Yes, he was trying to get to the police before S did and present his case before she could.

So anyway, we had moved into R's mobile home with her and her husband. We'd been there for a short time with (not even a month I think, but I've blocked it out so I can't exactly remember) when one day we get a knock on the door. It's the police, there to arrest Steve. He wasn't allowed to say or do anything, and me and R's husband (R was at work at the time) were forced to watch Steve get pulled from the house and put in the police car. R's husband was told by the police that they could "arrest HIM for aiding and harboring a criminal". This here should tell you that the Long Beach Police Department doesnt know what they're doing. The arresting officer apparently was never informed of the frequent visits Steve made to try and report what happened. So anyway, R was eventually told of all this and was, much like me, very angry.

Flash forward to a short time later, where Steve is having his court date. Now, this next part has been the source of the guilt I have felt over this for most of the last ten years. Knowing how easily I get emotional, I had been told it would be best for me NOT to attend the court case, as no one believed (rightfully so) that I'd be able to take seeing Steve in cuffs and chains. I really did want to be there, because I actually had the evidence that, if I was able to present it, would have cleared Steve completely. Nevertheless, I was asked not to come (by both R and Steve). It turned out that it would not have mattered. I doscovered that no evidence was even allowed to be presented in the case, and no one but the people directly involved were even allowed to speak.

One more thing I feel I need to mention. When the accusation began, it was that Steve had only molested one child. By the time of the court hearing, it was now being insisted that it was not one, not two, but all three of her kids who had been molested. And form what I understand, at least to R, it seemed that all of the kids had been coached in their responses. Yet another red flag. This next part though, should show you the mental state that S herself has. One other thing I was told was that, while in court, after Steve had been told what prison time he would be facing, S actually presented Steve with a five year restraining order. Even the JUDGE found this stupid, because it was made clear, in the courtroom, that Steve would be in prison for TEN years. The restraining order would obviously be moot because he would be behind bars the entire time. Can you say "crazy"?

So anyway... for the past eight and a half years, I've been beating myself up over Steve being in prison for something he didn't do. He's going to have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, even though he's never so much as touched a child in that way. And even though the court never allowed any evidence, and never allowed anyone to actually speak other than those involved, I feel like this is all my fault. He's lost eight and a half years of his life, and I didn't have the courage to do what I probably should have done. Everyone keeps telling me it isn't my fault, and that nothing I would have done would have helped or even mattered, but I still feel this immense sense of guilt over what's happened. A guilt that overwhelms me during holidays, because Steve was arrested within a week of one.

During all this time, I have not had one holiday meal I've been allowed to eat without ending up vomitting in the middle of it. Birthdays, Christmases... all of them end the same; with me hunched over a toilet puking. My mind goes into a mental state of 'how dare you try to enjoy a holiday while Steve is in prison' and it ruins every one.

All of this ties into what has had me even more on edge the last few months. My roommate Henry (who is, and has been, Steve's mate for seveal years now) has spent the last several months looking for a place for him and Steve to live, since, as a sex offender, Steve is going to have many restrictions one where he is allowed to live. He eventually found a place in a town called Lilliwaup (sp?) in Washington. A house that is in a pretty secluded area, away from schools and other kids. In talks I've had with Henry, I'd be spending about $150 less than what Im spending staying in this apartment, if I choose to move out with Henry and Steve when the time comes. I'm currently spending $390 for my third of the rent here. Henry showed me the figures that he collected, and with all the different things he has going fgor him with this place, my portion of rent/utilities, should I go with him, amounts to about $240. I admit, this has weighed heavily on my mind for the last month, and I only recently made the decision that I AM going to be moving out to Washington to live out there. My problem though becomes WHEN.

Here's the facts of what I'm looking at right now.

The first thing I need to say here is Steve's release. As we know it, Steve is being released in mid March from Valley State Prison. After that though, we've been told it will take roughly six months to get the state transfer for him to be allowed to move his parole to Washington, whenre Henry's new home is. That means approximately the end of August when he'll actually be out.

Henry is going to be moving himself at the start of March. If I chose to go with him then, because our lease in this apartment isn't going to be up until August, Henry has consented to letting me NOT pay rent for the house, until the end of the lease here, so that I can still send my money to Chris (our other roommate, who is very likely not moving with us, and would otherwiser have to pay the entire rent alone) for what would amount to my portion of the rent here. Henry's figures came out to enough that he could easily cover his mortgage payment on the house even without my help for those months. This also factors in his own contribnution to the apartment's rent, since, if we didn't do it this way, we'd be breaking the lease.

If I were, instead, to wait here at the apartment until the lease terminates though, that would give ample time for Henry to find out what restrictions Steve will have in regards to the household itself (restrictions on internet, restrictions one where he can go, etc). this is where my main issue lies. A lot of my life relies on internet access. My friends, my day to day activitiesm etc. If I move down there, and discover that his parole restrictions state he cannot have internet access, that would force me to lose a lot of my life. As selfish as it sounds, (and yes, I know it DOES sound selfish) I can't live without internet access and, despite what it could potentially mean, that is a large part of my hesitance to move in with Henry and Steve, because I don't know if I could handle that.

There is a third option that I have, and this is likely what I'll end up doing, worst case scenario, if I can pull it off. My third option, would be to still move with Henry in March, but to save up every free penny I get (which would include the last of my SSI backpay payments, a sum of about $2300 in june) and immediately start looking for a place of my own. This way, if I'm with Henry, and I do discover that Steve has a restriction on net in the house, I'll have a decent enough cash flow saved up that I could get my own apartment in Washington. I'm making $733 a month on SSI alone. If I'm spending roughly $240 on rent (which is what my apartment rent cost would be, minus the utilities which I wouldnt be paying since i'd be at Henry's house) that means roughly $500 a month I'd be saving every month up until August. thats $500 for March, April, May, June, July, and August. $3000 if I spend money on nothing but necessities, as well as the $2300 I'm expecting in June. More that five thousand dollars I'd have saved up to get my own place.

I love Henry very much, as a father figure and a very dear friend. And I love Steve as well, because of the relationship we used to have. If I didn't I wouldn't even consider moving, and I'd just distance myself from the whole thing. I can't, in good conscience, do that though. They mean too much to me, and being that far away from two people I really care about would tear me up inside. That's why I had decided I'd move to Washington to be with them. I just can't seem to make up my mind on when, and it's nee eating at me for months now.

So yeah... There you have it. The entire story of what I've been holding onto for almost nine years now. Only my closest friends knew about it up until now, but with the uncertainty of the future, and my hope that telling ytou all this will help ease some of my stress over this, I felt the need to tell you guys. I will likely not be publically bringing this up here again, but any comments or thoughts on all this are more than welcome.

Thank you for your time.

Hugs and love,

Bobby

EDIT: I feel dumb that I forgot to mention this, but despite the fact that he was initially charged with three counts, he DID accept a plea bargain that had it reduced back down to only two counts, which is why his sentence, big as it is, wasn't longer. Sorry for forgetting to mention that, but I was an emotional wreck writing the journal at all.