I'm going to be blunt but it's because I need to let people know and because I'm tired of feeling powerless in my own skin.

In terms of art, I just need to go purchase colorless blenders and a few colors for certain commissions that need to be finished. There's no lack of progress or halts if anything that's the easiest part of the entire equation now for the more difficult section.

Since March of 2014, my father has been in a constant state of disdain with me. First it was because I wasn't going to a university, later that year it became a problem because I hadn't found work (though commissions were stable enough to help me pay rent, yes my dad makes me pay rent but that's my own fault for still living at home for the time being), lastly the more personal problem. . .I'm to blame for his problems with my mom (why? Because he doesn't admit to his own mistakes).

These are a majority of the reasons as to why certain commissions have taken months to complete or as to why I can't afford the materials I need. I am currently looking for work at every single location I can apply to, some where I'm over-qualified and many under. The fact of the matter is, all this negativity from him telling me I am worthless, how I don't work because I'm lazy, how I am a disappointment due to the fact I haven't graduated from any universities yet (Mind you I'm turning 21 in February). I've had jobs in the past, I finished my transfer credits in preparation to continue school elsewhere, I've even been paying for groceries, the phone bill and the "rent" (Living at home with 2 younger brothers and my parents just to clarify).

I planned to be gone a long time ago but instead I chose to go to school and help out my family, now it's time for me to leave and I simply can't. Aside from looking for work, which is what I am currently doing (even have an interview set up today), am I just complaining over nothing? Should I just be happy I'm not out on the street? I feel like I deserve to be there but I'm not, I'm trying to save up to move out to WA. Should I just try and go find work there or continue to look for work here, ignore the present situation and leave when I can sustain myself for a few months with my bf in WA and figure it out as we go?

I'm conflicted to stay open for commissions since I don't want anyone seeing me as unproductive or money-grubbing, I don't want to ask for donations either because money is earned not taken for free.

Apologies for "ranting" but I needed to be honest with anyone who's commissioned me, friends and fellow artists.

I'm stuck and need help. Any advice would be great.

-Cloud A.