I'm done being circumspect.

Right now the biggest concern in my life, by far, is acquiring enough money to get genital surgery.

I've given it a lot of thought over the last two years or so, and I kept coming back to the same conclusions: if I had a good chance of success, I would go for it.

All the factors are there. I've responded very well to hormone therapy and I pass reasonably well (when it came up in conversation a few times at FC I was told that it came as a surprise). I also have a very nasty condition called a varicocele (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varicocele) and it just doesn't make sense having to bear with searing pain in a part of my body I don't even want any more. I have more than enough to work with physically, and my insurance will pay most of the cost of the doctor I want.

I still need to cover the deposit ($5,000 over all because this doctor has a two-stage procedure), travel costs (about $1000 all together), as well as electrolysis in the surgery area (about $200). That's $6200.

Now I'm sure some of you are wondering why I was coy about exactly what kind of surgery or what kind of costs would be incurred. There are several reasons for this:

1. I want to be seen as a woman, not as a "transperson." I don't identify as any third-gender category (though there's nothing wrong with that). The problem is when you come out as trans, people tend to shuffle you off to the realm of "other" or refuse to acknowledge you as anything but the sex you were born as. Living full-time as a woman has shown me that even though I'm a bit of an ugly duckling, I'm much happier, healthier, and more confident this way.

2. There is a perception that bottom surgery is a luxury procedure for people with more money than sense who are never satisfied with anything. Many people (including a fair number of doctors throughout the world) do not see it as a medical necessity. The truth is, gender dysphoria is a nightmare. The anxiety I had to deal with from delays I had getting on hormones actually did a number on my mental and physical health causing suicidal thoughts, kidney stones, and elevated blood pressure, and I'm beginning to sense that I'm about to experience a similar level of disturbance in my life waiting for surgery.

3. There is a tendency of others to lecture about how anything transition-related is "a huge mistake." I lost several friends over my decision to go on hormone therapy because they thought they knew better about what was good for me and told me it would destroy my libido (it didn't; I'm still VERY much a vixen) and cause me to become mentally unstable (I actually stabilized more than I have any time in the last 12 years). The truth is yes, it does bother me when people think I can't make my own decisions or that I haven't thought the matter through. Yes, I do know that this surgery means I'll never top again. So what? I haven't topped in over 2 years and I don't miss it!

4. I hate asking for money, especially from people I barely know. I like to get by on my own means as much as possible and I'm always afraid that the only person to help me will be someone who wants to control me. This hasn't always been my experience but it has certainly happened in the past.

So there you have it. I'm trans, I plan to have surgery, and I need your help. This is why I've been asking for donations more, creating a Patreon, and promoting my books so heavily but it isn't helping. Today was a huge wake-up call when an episode triggered my gended dysphoria bad enough to interfere with my plans for the day.

Please help. Buy my books. Donate. Tip. Offer me money for things I have. I don't want to sound desperate but this is starting to get too much like 2011-2012 for my comfort.