Have you ever just hit a low point in your life that you felt you'd never have? Something that makes you so desperate, you'd seek advice from a complete stranger? Even go as far as to post an extremely personal problem on the internet of all things, in hopes that maybe you wouldn't get nothing but negative feedback or people trolling you...You hope that maybe in that huge population of internet users someone will be able to help you through what you're going through...or have been in the same boat to be able to give you some sort of advice....?

I'm too scared to say anything. Too afraid to let anyone know the full story. But I need some kind of help so bad now. I am at a point of no longer knowing what to do and it feels like something is literally tearing me in half from the inside out. I don't know what choices I have, and what choice would be better or at least make me feel better. I don't know if I'm the one at fault, or if I am right, or if I am at least partially to blame.

I don't know how to handle this situation anymore, because it feels like I'm the only one putting forth the effort to fix it. And yet, I am told otherwise that I'm the one not making a stand. I'm the one not sacrificing. But the way my heart feels...the way I feel...on an almost daily basis...it just begs to differ...

I finally have come to a point where I have no one to turn to, but I'm also afraid of the answers I will get. I already know the answers I could receive from my close friends, and from my folks...I just don't want to hear them anymore. I'm tired of it all being the same thing. I keep thinking there's gotta be a way. There's gotta be some light in this situation. I can't have been doing this all these years for nothing....I keep praying to god..."Please don't let everyone be right. Please don't let this get rubbed in my face"...and so I try...I try hard...and harder still..only to feel like I am digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself. But even if this issue was resolved in the way that I do not want it to be resolved in...I wouldn't know how to cope. I don't know how to continue life in the other direction...I feel like I'd just fall to my knees and give up...Because I'm already so far...that if I changed now...I feel like I'd never be able to get back to a start. I wouldn't know how or where to start again...

I'm not really on FA anymore.( posted to weasyl too, doesn't count I guess... ) It runs too slow, and I'm too unproductive. I still don't have a new tablet...and I'm just not emotionally or mentally stable lately to even be around and run business. If you read this whole thing...I'm sorry for you. Or rather, I'm sorry that I made you feel like you had to. All I wanted to do was type this out to help me cope...I don't expect feedback...I probably won't even check this journal again until the issue has come to pass...

I feel alone....in a crowded room. Please god let this pass....for better or for worse....